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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely incandescent about this?

131 replies

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 06:30

Not so 'D'H is off on a stag do this morning, back tomorrow PM. Normally we each have a lie in on a weekend morning, but obviously as he won't be here tomorrow morning I have no option but to get up with the DCs (2.6 and 12mo), which will likely be before 6am.

Now, as he is off on a jolly and I will be doing all the childcare this weekend I has rather foolishly assumed I would get the lone lie-in this morning, but when we discussed it last night I was informed I am incredibly selfish, as obviously overall he would get less sleep this weekend, as he is on a stag do.

Bit of background: I am on mat leave at the moment, DH works long hours and was away with work this week. He is also additionally tired as he was away with work for a couple of days this week, and was out out on the lash til gone midnight both nights (I know this as he phoned me 'to tell me that he loved me' Hmm while merry). Our DD (12mo) has never slept through and still wakes 3+ times per night, and as I am bf and he is working I deal with every single night waking, so the one little bit of uninterrupted sleep I get on a weekend morning is very precious to me, and I am loath to relinquish it.

Am I being unreasonable to think that, actually, that is his choice, and no one is forcing him to go and get ridiculously shitfaced and stay out til all hours, whereas I have no choice but to look after our children?

Disclaimer: my judgement may be clouded as I haven't had a night out since March and that was for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
CHOOGIRL · 14/07/2012 08:09

Amber get the credit card out call emergency Childcare and sort yourself a night nanny. Total waste of precious energy stewing about DP he'll be gone in a few hours and you'll still be tired.

LindyHemming · 14/07/2012 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzyapples · 14/07/2012 08:19

Internet shopping till you're dropping is in order here, I reckon!

MrsCampbellBlack · 14/07/2012 08:21

Having also had the child who didn't sleep through for ages I totally get the obsession with getting your one bit of good sleep in a week.

Your DH is being really unfair and you need to talk to him about it (not today though) and sort things out especially before you go back to work because its going to be horrific if you're working and still doing 100% of the childcare stuff when you're both at home.

I'd also try and work on the evenings thing - I had to really really persevere with bottles (around the 18 months mark) - so either get a night nanny in to help or could your mum do one evening? I always found it helped if someone else did the bottle as when on me the babies always wanted the boob.

Good luck!

WhoWillDoMyHoovering · 14/07/2012 08:37

Jamie & Eric, yes my post was more of a hijack stealth whinge tbh. Sorry Amber!! :-0 (I didn't realise quite how much I am putting up with!)

abody · 14/07/2012 08:38

I think you should have next weekend 'off'. Lie in as long as you like, both days, read, watch movies in bed, take several very extremely long baths, tell him everything you normally do is his responsibility for 2 days. Your boobs will be in the vicinity but other than that you're off duty!

BrightJumpers · 14/07/2012 08:45

YANBU. if he can make time for drinking he can make time for childcare. My DH had both lie ins last weekend because he had a cold. he apologised all week and makes a point of giving me a rest now he is better.

It sounds like your DP places no value at all on what you do for him. He is being selfish and unappreciative. Not very loving behavior. how will the return to work go?

Can a trusted friend/family member help you this weekend?

Can you start pushing for bottle now? Sorry, i am formula feeding so cant give advice here. maybe start a separate thread on breast-bottle feeding section? If your DP is otherwise a loving reasonable person it sounds like he needs a chance to take charge of the kids more - would help him understand your tiredness and maybe help him remember why he had children in the first place.

You have every right to be angry and exhausted, he has behaved really badly. in practical terms, if you want to bring about change, he needs to start being able to feed the baby. even if you have no success with this, he could become more involved in your efforts to encourage baby to take a bottle. does he want this? does he have any ideas how to help baby accept a bottle? Does he ever get involved in other feeding? eg my DH loves preparing meals for ds at the weekend which i can defrost during the week.

Hope you are ok - you must be so tired. cbeebies for them and coffee for you? Wink

AmberLeaf · 14/07/2012 08:54

He also doesn't really have any respect for my current SAHM status, the odd 'you do nothing all day' comment slips out, before he immediately retracts it. He'll also do things like see a pile of washing waiting to be put away and rather than put it away, kind of 'test' me by seeing how long it stays there and then get cross if it doesn't get moved within an acctable timescale

This is the real issue really isn't it?

He probably doesn't think you deserve a lie in at all as he's the one doing the real work.

Aboutlastnight · 14/07/2012 09:01

Frankly it's his fault he's tired and he who is off on another jolly this weekend do he should have let you lie in this morning.

We had a rule that even if you had a hangover you got up with the kids of it was your turn-unless agreed in advance.

He's being a dick but I fon't really know what you can do about it.

GladbagsAndYourHandrags · 14/07/2012 09:11

YANBU and you should get 2 lie ins next weekend.
I had a baby who wouldn't take milk from bottle/cup - turned out she wanted it stupidly hot. Could be worth a try. Good luck x

WhoWillDoMyHoovering · 14/07/2012 09:14

NurseBernard - nope, had not realised quite how bad it was. I'm going to compose my thoughts for a while and post a thread of my own, I think I need some mumsnet assistance!

tiddleypompom · 14/07/2012 09:23

YANBU, putting on make up and going dancing won't help (WTF was that all about?) and your DH has no idea how hard you work every day. That needs to change if you are to sort this out at root.

Hope you get some respite over the weekend. You're being a great mum - take some solace in that if you can?!

TheSkiingGardener · 14/07/2012 09:26

YANBU.

But you really need to challenge your DH's whole attitude. As soon as your DC will drink from a cup you need a weekend off, 6a.m. Saturday until 8p.m. Sunday.

Then come home and have a go at him about any mess, any laundry not done and everything you can think of.

Then talk to him about his bloody unreasonable behaviour.

abody · 14/07/2012 09:28

I agree, he seems to think your job is easy, the only way to make him understand is to ask him to do it for a couple of days. (And point out that you're still doing the breast feeding so he's getting an easy ride. In fact he should get up with you whenever you have to feed & make you a cup of tea)

Also agree about cows milk, though mine only likes it cold straight out of the fridge, took me a while to work that out

(Whowilldo - I never get a lie in either, drives me BONKERS! No advice or anything, just wanted to say you're not alone!)

paradisechick · 14/07/2012 09:29

He sounds like a lazy cunt and you sound like a total martyr.

Not a nice mix really.

This weekend is happening, don't keep whinging and make it miserable for everyone. Sort out the bottle and sleep issue and tell your husband that there's no excuses.

paradisechick · 14/07/2012 09:31

And do people really split up their weekends and mark lie in's on the calendar?

issimma · 14/07/2012 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeSelby · 14/07/2012 09:35

YANBU. It's horrible when you're both tired and bickery and awful but your DH should not be shouting at you. He is being selfish here.

I have a 2 year old and 9 month old (who wakes twice nightly and gets up at 5.30am) and am also a SAHM and I would be livid if my DH took away my lie in on a weekend because he had chosen to spend time away! I think you need to explain to him that while he is at work you have sole care of the children but at other times childcare should be split 50/50, so you're already doing him a favour by looking after the children while he's away.

My children were bottle resisters too, we got them on the bottle by feeding them in their car seat and initially my DH had to do the night feeds, neither would take a bottle from me at night, but good luck with suggesting that one!

Lucyellensmum99 · 14/07/2012 09:35

Good lord, have some of you been reading too much 50 shades? This guy is a selfish cunt there is no need for further discussion.

CelticRepublican · 14/07/2012 09:48

YANBU. He's a selfish arse. He clearly doesn't value what you do. If this is typical behaviour I wouldn't stay with him.

Aboutlastnight · 14/07/2012 11:05

Paradise

When you have three children under 5, yes you do Wink

ClaireBunting · 14/07/2012 11:22

I have five kids and we never marked lie ins on a calendar. It never occurred to us.

fiftyshadesoftwattyex · 14/07/2012 11:39

YANBU he is being a selfish arse

But YABU for putting up with it. You've said that he shouted at you and that it's not worth challenging him because it wont work and he'll kick off? Well that's why he does it! By shouting and causing drama he's hoping you'll back down and let him have his own way and it's working because you do

A good relationship can't work like that, I know this is 'only' about a lie in (though I think it's a bigger deal because it shows he has no respect for you) but seriously you need to stop this now because otherwise you'll end up walking on eggshells because you don't want to upset him. So what if he shouts and calls you names? Do it back to him, he's not the boss you should be in an equal relationship and if you're not then there are bigger problems ahead

TheOneWithTheHair · 14/07/2012 11:40

YANBU. I hope you can talk to him when he gets back and make him see sense.

LadyWidmerpool · 14/07/2012 11:48

Amber YANBU! I think you should do a nice pie chart or something to show the sleep you get, the sleep your husband gets, the time to yourself that you get and the time to himself your husband gets. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Your baby sounds like mine except I am back at work which TBH is less tiring than looking after one baby all day let alone two.

I've started getting out for a little while in the evening now and then and it's lovely. I get baby to sleep and then bolt until 10/11. It's not long enough for a proper 'night out' but long enough for a meal or a couple of drinks. If baby wakes then the babysitter is allowed to do whatever it takes to stop her crying - TV, snacks, whatever works! I don't expect them to get her back to sleep although my MIL managed it once.

I hope you have a nice weekend with your babies and that you get some sleep soon. Your husband is not being reasonable!