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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely incandescent about this?

131 replies

AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 06:30

Not so 'D'H is off on a stag do this morning, back tomorrow PM. Normally we each have a lie in on a weekend morning, but obviously as he won't be here tomorrow morning I have no option but to get up with the DCs (2.6 and 12mo), which will likely be before 6am.

Now, as he is off on a jolly and I will be doing all the childcare this weekend I has rather foolishly assumed I would get the lone lie-in this morning, but when we discussed it last night I was informed I am incredibly selfish, as obviously overall he would get less sleep this weekend, as he is on a stag do.

Bit of background: I am on mat leave at the moment, DH works long hours and was away with work this week. He is also additionally tired as he was away with work for a couple of days this week, and was out out on the lash til gone midnight both nights (I know this as he phoned me 'to tell me that he loved me' Hmm while merry). Our DD (12mo) has never slept through and still wakes 3+ times per night, and as I am bf and he is working I deal with every single night waking, so the one little bit of uninterrupted sleep I get on a weekend morning is very precious to me, and I am loath to relinquish it.

Am I being unreasonable to think that, actually, that is his choice, and no one is forcing him to go and get ridiculously shitfaced and stay out til all hours, whereas I have no choice but to look after our children?

Disclaimer: my judgement may be clouded as I haven't had a night out since March and that was for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 07:06

But Alpinepony, by the same token it doesn't all revolve around him. And surely he's the one that's competing - saying he'll get less sleep...

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2012 07:06

If he was my husband, I would not be letting him go on the stag weekend after being such a monumental prick - I would be telling him that I had changed my mind about happily doing all the childcare this weekend and want to split it 50/50, since they are his kids too.

If he went anyway, he would come home to changed locks.

He is tired because he went out on the piss twice this week, not because he has been working his fingers to the bone. His own fault - wtf should you be sympathetic.

Honestly, you have dc now - the time has long gone for him to still be behaving like a single man. No way would i tolerate this shit.

CurrySpice · 14/07/2012 07:07

YANBU I would be furious too. And massively annoyed by the shouting down too.

You need to get the cup / bottle thing sorted do you can get out and about a bit more I know that's stating the obvious but I feel angry on your behalf

I hope your weekend isn't too bad and you get done sleep and I hope he he gets a hangover that lasts a fortnight

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/07/2012 07:07

Alpine, this wasn't about the OP not having a night out, it was about her DH taking the only lie in, and her only bit of guaranteed sleep.

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:08

alpine genuine question: what do I do with my baby while on this night out, because she wakes several times in the evening before I even go to bed, and will not settle for anyone except me? Should I just leave her with DH to scream? Also, I'm not actually asking for a night out, just a bit of sleep.

OP posts:
AlpinePony · 14/07/2012 07:11

Jeezy - it sounds to me that OP is as annoyed that he's got a "free pass" and will have fun as much as she's annoyed she'll be tired.

We all get tired (I have a 2 year + 2 weeks and a 5 month old). It's a bit silly to be moaning about "tired", that's "parenting" and we know what we're getting in to.

We may as well try and get some enjoyment elsewhere because we'll be bloody knackered whether we're dancing on a table at 2am clutching a mojito in one hand and a 22 year old Brazilian in the other - or whether we go to bed at 10 aiming for an early night.

Invest in the best possible coffee you can, excellent foundation and a touch of blushed. Repeat "this too will pass" and keep thinking about those brazilians.

AlpinePony · 14/07/2012 07:13

OP, then you need to work on your routine. It's not fair on your husband actually to say "she won't settle for anyone but me". It undermines him and his abilities as a father. No wonder he doesn't want to join in at home - you've already told him he "can't do it".

Put on your make-up and your dancing shoes and let him get on with it. He's your husband, he will look after her just fine! If you can't trust your husband to look after your children, life is not going to be easy. :(

ohforfoxsake · 14/07/2012 07:13

What time is he due back? Upon arrival go and have a long bath/go out for a coffee/walk the streets whatever, leaving him hungover, knackered in charge of small children who will hopefully jump on him, shout in his ear, whinge, insist on being entertained - and leave the noisy toys out for good measure.

He is being selfish. And a bully. Next time you'll have to negotiate the terms of his release before he accepts an invitation. Put this one down to experience and know that your turn will come. Wink

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:13

alpine can you sort me out with directions to the bar full of 22-yr old Brazilians?

OP posts:
Gumby · 14/07/2012 07:14

At that age won't they both nap after lunch and you can close your eyes?

Or load them in the car & take them to your parents or his for some help
Stay over & let your mum, or mil, entertain your eldest

conorsrockers · 14/07/2012 07:15

You need to get together with Hawkmoon269 .....

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:16

Oh alpine, it's not me saying that, it's him of course! I left him with her a couple of times, she cried, I got 'the phone call' and now when I suggest it he just raises the settling issue ('of course I'm happy to do it, but you'll probably have to come home'). I trust him totally with them, what an assumption to make!

OP posts:
Gumby · 14/07/2012 07:16

Alpine - I don't think op's dh can breast feed.... That's not undermining his abilities as a father, it's just fact

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 07:17

YANBU

Selfish behaviour

fireice · 14/07/2012 07:18

YANBU. He is having the first morning off from the kids, so you should have the second.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 14/07/2012 07:18

I would be upset too.

Especially if he's been away this week too. That's not a lot of help you've had from him recently and a lie in would have been a nice gesture from him.

And I second the cows milk thing. DS wouldn't touch any other milk until he was old enough for that. It's worth a shot :)

TandB · 14/07/2012 07:19

It's not about a competition. If the OP is up every single night while her husband is sleeping peacefully then it is pretty indisputable that she is more tired than him.

And yet he wants to take her agreed, regular bit of sleep from her, not by asking nicely and promising to make it up to her, but by shouting at her and calling her selfish.

attheendoftheday · 14/07/2012 07:19

He is BU. He is free to miss the stag do and have a lie in tomorrow, he has the morning "off duty". He does not get both mornings "off duty". Especially if you so the night waking.

Shouting and calling you selfish is very disrespectful. I might have some sympathy if he was tired after working late, but he has prioritised his social life over sleep, so he can suck it up, quite frankly.

Original poster
AmberNectarine · 14/07/2012 07:19

Gumby alas, after cunningly avoiding coordinating naps since DD was born, DS has now dropped his altogether. Will be seeing my DPs later, but it will be at my nephew's birthday party so not the ideal environment for shut eye! Will be early to bed tonight though.c:\ z txxs x

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 14/07/2012 07:22

YANBU. He's a twunt.

attheendoftheday · 14/07/2012 07:22

Oh, and saying you'll probably have to come home when you go out is VU too. Of course the dc won't settle for him if they aren't used to it. He needs to put a bit more effort in.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2012 07:23

Alpine, reading your posts makes me think i have woken up in the 1950s.

Seriously, you cannot see any problem with him having been out on the piss twice this week already and will be out all weekend - that's 4 days out of 7. In the interests of balance, when is the 'd'h going to pull his weight with the kids (he can't bf, but he can let the OP sleep for a bit, and do some things round the house so she doesn't have to later etc).

They are as much his dc as the OP's, yet he is still living like a single bloke and she is being left with all the shit work. There is no fairness or balance here.

OP doesn't want to go out on the piss - she just wants her husband to be a bit considerate and helpful.

DoesBuggerAll · 14/07/2012 07:24

YABU.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 14/07/2012 07:25

Alpine is creating competition where none is there. Op doesn't want tit for tat, merely consideration and respect.

MrsPnut · 14/07/2012 07:30

YADNBU He needs a swift kick up the backside for daring to shout at you and another for calling you selfish.
It grinds you down when you have sole care for a child that won't sleep, my OH worked away during the week from when dd2 was about 4 months and I had both lie ins at the weekends in return for doing all the care whilst he was away.