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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when I say I'm sick to death of tutored kids?

159 replies

TopBoxCorbelle · 12/07/2012 16:03

I came away from the end of year assembly having watched awards being given out for progress and achievement. Two of the winners for 'progress' and 'achievement' are frequenters of our local tutoring centre. Their parents are actually perfectly lovely people who I like and get on with, and I've actually had to drop one kid off at the tutor when I was looking after him. Now, I know I'm clearly in the minority of parents that don't tutor mine, and I'd like to point out my two got amazing grades this year so have nothing to prove BUT, I hate having to applaud the cheating parents who send their kids for extra work as I always then start wondering whether mine will start falling behind...and wether mine will need tutors in order to survive the competitive entry exams at 11. Even typing this makes me question why I'm worrying but frankly, I can't believe that the tutoring industry has a hold over me, even when I choose not to tutor. And even when I have naturally bright children who do enough work at school. Anyone else? Or am I an utter churlish witch? Should I give in now and just book one up?

OP posts:

tanukiton · 12/07/2012 17:51

Is it cheating no but.. I taught in the equivalent of cram school in Japan and would see elementary kids at 8 pm in the evening. I know of people putting there kids in kumon at 3/4 years old. Ohh well each to their own I suppose but , a small part Of me feels for these kids and another has to stand firm not to be caught up in the whirl wind of, will my daughter be left behind?
This race for education leads to a degree not being enough, a masters, internship... What next paying for placement ?

Anyway op " natural bright " really ? On mumsnet? Such foolishness ! Not everyone has the same upbringing, is that cheating ? For Some kids it is amazing they even get to school with a pen in their bag as they come from such dis function .

Imagine not being able to sleep due to the shouting and screaming. Does this mean your "natural bright " children are cheating? I don,t think so. I do think some children are cheated though.....

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/07/2012 17:53

Of course every parent wants the best for their child, but sometimes you wonder how skilled they are at shopping for it.

That's a very good point, genug.

wordfactory · 12/07/2012 17:58

Cheating? Really?

I don't tutor my DC but I wouldn't hestitate to do so if I felt or they felt they needed it or indeed wanted it...

The idea that natural ability is the only worthwhile benchmark just doesn't stand up in life, so why should it at school?

Original poster

TopBoxCorbelle · 12/07/2012 18:00

Outraged - I don't think he's better than everyone else. Far from it. I worry that i'm not doing everything I can to help him by not getting him a tutor but then I look at his grades and laugh at the thought. He doesn't need one - yet...but isn't he likely to start dropping if everyone else is getting the extra input and he's not? I am well aware of his shortcomings, if it comes across as superiority - it isn't meant to. I am very proud of my kids for who and what they are and frankly, I don't want them to fall behind because kids that are just as bright are being tutored in most subjects. Reading above, it doesn't look like long-term tutoring for grammar particularly helps anyway, so my worry is probably ill founded. The tutoring industry is massive. I don't particularly want to join in - but I'll probably have to if I want my children to succeed. That's what annoys me. I'd rather not, so if there is a chip on my shoulder then that is it. That is my point. I'm being forced into it if I want my kids to succeed.

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 12/07/2012 18:01

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ridiculous. YABU, in case you needed to ask.

Mrsjay · 12/07/2012 18:01

you know dd1 has dyspraxia and she has come on leaps and bounds since starting high school but next year is exam year for her and if i felt she was going to struggle I would find her a tutor in a heartbeat,

SunflowersSmile · 12/07/2012 18:03

Tanukitan- you are right- some children are 'cheated' in life.

DontmindifIdo · 12/07/2012 18:08

TopBox - I think you're missing the point of these prizes, DCs who start the year getting over 90% on tests and continue to get that through the year aren't going to win the prizes for 'progressing' - the DC who started the year getting 25% and by the end has got 60% has managed to progress and improve much more. That achievement is more down to effort, even if that effort has been with the help of a tutor/parent at home rather than the class teacher.

Children who are naturally bright and understand things quickly without having to be taught how to understand them tend to do well in life, it's the DCs who need to put huge effort in and still might not get that top grade who need the encouragement of prize days.

I also don't think it's any more cheating for the child to use a tutor to teach than it is to use a class teacher or to sit with your DCs and explain something in their homework they didn't understand. However, it is cheating in my mind when schools round here boast the high percentages passing the 11+ and going to grammer schools, without mentioning that a lot of those DCs had tutors, it's 'cheating' for the school to take the credit.

nothingoldcanstay · 12/07/2012 18:08

I think the op was referring to cheating in the context of the school giving out awards - not that tutoring was a cheat.

The awards were for progress and achievement in the school. As many parents can't afford extra schooling that should be taken into account. Of course they might not do as well but at least it would reflect what the school had been able to teach

Someone mentioned Bolt and made the that point he has put lots of work in. Has he made more progress than Jimmy in class 1 who was too scared to join in at the beginning of the year and then won sorts day. I think maybe not.

wordfactory · 12/07/2012 18:10

Topbox I think I see what you're saying.

That there is a tutoring arms race where able DC just get even better due to the help they receive, so that other perfectly able DC also need it just to be on par.

I get that.

But the thing is, it's not just tutoring that helps is it? Many parents do a plethora of things that give their DC an advantage. We can't all do it all. Some child somehwere will have an advantage that we can't match for our own.

bitofcheese · 12/07/2012 18:10

i don't think it is cheating and certainly, children that are being tutored because they genuinely need help on certain subjects is completely different however in my dd's class the two cleverest children in her class are both being tutored, and have been for the last two years, purely with a view to getting scholarships into one of the local private schools/grammar school - this i would say gives them an unfair advantage but everyone is doing it where i live, seriously competative area and thus much to my shame i have bitten the bullet and now send dd too for the same reason as she doesn't really need a tutor. i hate to do something that for someone like her i don't agree with it, but i am doing it for her and feel i want to give her an equal chance. i think entrance exams to schools, especially our local grammar should be based on natural ability, the school itself tells me this although pretty much most of the girls there have been heavily tutored, i know this for a fact for varying reasons, one of which is because i am friendly with a women who teaches there

tanukiton · 12/07/2012 18:11

Ahh the unfairness of it all.

Molehillmountain · 12/07/2012 18:17

Why should people get credit or prizes for achievement due to natural ability? It's not within their control. If they make progress due to tutoring, at least we know they've had some input into their progress.

tanukiton · 12/07/2012 18:19

Word factory - education arms race. Nice analogy

tanukiton · 12/07/2012 18:24

I am not sure if this will show Japanese しょうがない / shouganai :)

Mrbojangles1 · 12/07/2012 18:24

my child has just finshed his tutoring hackmum my child is not in a grammer school and i have never had a designs on him going to one and he is tutored

He has improved tenfold with the extra help if they could provide smaller class sizes HE WOULD NOT NEED TUTUORING

Mrbojangles1 · 12/07/2012 18:26

Molehillmountain to ture mYbe team gb should stop training and leave it to natural abilty [rollseyes]

Chubfuddler · 12/07/2012 18:31

I think the situation can best be summarised as "life's not fair". Deal with it however best you can.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 18:32

I don't particularly want to join in - but I'll probably have to if I want my children to succeed. That's what annoys me. I'd rather not, so if there is a chip on my shoulder then that is it. That is my point. I'm being forced into it if I want my kids to succeed

You're talking about your child as though he's some sort of possession or a pet or something

You are not being forced into anything but it sounds as though you're fully prepared to force your child into being tutored, to stroke your own ego.

Ask him what he wants as after all, he'll be the one doing all the work...not you.

JuliaScurr · 12/07/2012 18:36

yanbu

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/07/2012 18:49

OP, the only way in which you child might be put at a "disadvantage" by other children being tutored would be where the allocation of prizes (11+ is the only one I can think of that would be relevant at primary age) is finite in number.

Thankfully (for now) there is no limit to the number of A*s that can be awarded at GCSE or A-level, and I wouldn't be worried about university admissions for now.

How do other children's achievements lessen those of your own children?

Molehillmountain · 12/07/2012 18:50

So...if tutoring is not to be taken into account then we need a formula for school prizes that also factors out genetic advantage, socio economic status, parental help, help/hindrance provided by siblings, amount of fish oil consumed etc etc. Even the effort prizes are a bit dubious-lots of factors come into the amount of effort students can put into their work, which again are largely speaking out of their control. I am going between two points of view on all this 1) accept prizes as a flawed but on balance worthwhile motivational tool 2) dismiss them as too flawed to be useful. Not sure where I stand.

rainydaysarebad · 12/07/2012 19:33

Sorry but I don't understand what "naturally bright" means. You HAVE to teach children to help them learn. Teaching isn't confined to the school and classroom.

I think it's quite sad that even though your sprog is clever and getting 99% and all that, you're still pissed off he didn't win the award. If those children hadn't been tutored, you would have written off their win to something else, like them being the governor's child or the teacher's pet.

EclecticShock · 12/07/2012 19:39

I don't think tutoring is cheating? Yabu.

EclecticShock · 12/07/2012 19:41

Working life is competitive... Put in extra work and you get rewarded, why should that not apply at school?

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