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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when I say I'm sick to death of tutored kids?

159 replies

TopBoxCorbelle · 12/07/2012 16:03

I came away from the end of year assembly having watched awards being given out for progress and achievement. Two of the winners for 'progress' and 'achievement' are frequenters of our local tutoring centre. Their parents are actually perfectly lovely people who I like and get on with, and I've actually had to drop one kid off at the tutor when I was looking after him. Now, I know I'm clearly in the minority of parents that don't tutor mine, and I'd like to point out my two got amazing grades this year so have nothing to prove BUT, I hate having to applaud the cheating parents who send their kids for extra work as I always then start wondering whether mine will start falling behind...and wether mine will need tutors in order to survive the competitive entry exams at 11. Even typing this makes me question why I'm worrying but frankly, I can't believe that the tutoring industry has a hold over me, even when I choose not to tutor. And even when I have naturally bright children who do enough work at school. Anyone else? Or am I an utter churlish witch? Should I give in now and just book one up?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 16:33

What does it matter hackmum?

The fact of the matter is it's still not cheating.

Blu · 12/07/2012 16:34

What does 'natural level' mean? Natural level based on the set number of school hours? Natural level based on (for some) having missed a couple of term's work due to illness, or having been taken out of school for 2 weeks every year?, or 'natural level' having done some extra work and challenged themselves a bit more?

I too feel a bit exasperated with competitive tutoring and hot housing, tiger-mother levels of controlling a child's childhood and the escalating cycle of tutoring towards 11+, but really your OP is an argument in favour of tutoring if it enables kids to go further. (my DS is not tutored).

SunflowersSmile · 12/07/2012 16:34

Think you have made some people angry op!
'Cheating' a bit strong but I do see how you might feel pressured into tutoring because others are and their children may be advantaged because of it.

TroLoLoLo · 12/07/2012 16:36

I wouldn't worry about it. My DC's are proud that they have never been tutored, despite being in schools where a lot of DC's have had tutoring. I think it is better for them to become responsible for teaching themselves rather than relying on teachers or tutors. However, I would happily tutor if there was a particular problem, especially with English or Mathmatics.
I would not be bothered if other parents tutored though. It's completely up to them.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 12/07/2012 16:37

If I sat with my child and helped them through worksheets, would that be cheating too?

What if I paid for educational software?

You really do have an almighty chip on your shoulder, OP.

chickydoo · 12/07/2012 16:38

Life isn't always fair. Some kids are tutored, some are not. Some kids will do well either way, some need a boost. There are kids that go to private school and have many advantages, some go to grammer schools and do really well.
It's life it's not "cheating". People will do what they deem best for their children.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 12/07/2012 16:38

But...surely if they are being rewarded for making progress there's a good chance they were behind/ struggling? So they might well have needed the tutoring? And it's nice that the school are aknowledging their hard work, isn't it? I don't see the problem.

hackmum · 12/07/2012 16:39

WorraLiberty: "What does it matter hackmum?

The fact of the matter is it's still not cheating."

Well, one of the things you see in areas where the 11+ prevails is that wealthier parents can afford to have their kids tutored to get through the exam and poorer kids can't. The 11+ is supposed to be a test of natural ability, not a test of who's been crammed the most. So in that sense you could argue it was cheating - not illegal, but not ethical. (I'm not saying that parents shouldn't do it, btw - it's the sort of behaviour that is bound to occur if you invent a system like the 11+ that divides kids into sheep and goats.)

I can also see why it might take a bit of a shine off prize day.

TroLoLoLo · 12/07/2012 16:40

Oops forgot the important bit

....... Sorry OP but YABU. (just a little bit and I think you had worked that out for yourself Smile )

holyfishnets · 12/07/2012 16:43

it's not cheating is it. it's supporting your kids when they need it

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 12/07/2012 16:45

Very few children will pass an 11+ exam if they aren't capable. Children who aren't bright do not get into SS GSs. grammar schools are much more likely to have waiting lists of perfectly capable children who passed the 11+ but cant be given a place because there aren't enough of them than they are to be full of not very intelligent children who just fluked the exam because of tutoring.

Even if children do only get into GS because of tutoring, then so what? It shows that they are prepared to put in the effort to get the results they need. Better that than wasting a place on a child who is naturally intelligent but can't be bothered to put any effort in.

SunflowersSmile · 12/07/2012 16:46

I do see that some parents have the inclination to tutor coupled with the money and other parents don't. Some children will be at an advantage because of that. Other children may be naturally bright but not get that advantage.

GrapesAnatomy · 12/07/2012 16:47

We will have our (bright) dd tutored for the year before the 11+. I don't like it but I want to give her a level playing field with the other children who take the test (lots of whom will have been tutored or been coached at private school).
She deserves (academically) to get a place at grammar but she is going to have to fight for that place against less able but highly tutored children.
She is my child so my principles are out of the window in order to get her the education she needs.
Tutors tutor, they don't do the work for children so I think it is fair enough that children get acknowledgement for the extra work they put in. Otherwise you should start another thread about those awful parents who hear their children read or help them with their homework, evil geniuses the lot of them, soooo unfair that their children should have the advantage over others...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 16:47

Its not cheating and you dont need a tutor to get your kid through the 11+ if you cant afford one. Someone I know who wants her son to go the the local grammar school has sent off for some test papers and is going through them with him herself...is this cheating then as there is no difference between what she is doing and what a tutor would do.

Sounds like sour grapes to me!

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/07/2012 16:48

my child is tutored in one specific subject because she is falling behind - i want her to get a C grade in maths, which she wont get without tutoring -as she is dyslexic and wants to go to college - the SENCO advised it! does that make me a cheat?

yabu. very. sad that you worry so much about what other people are doing.

Morebiscuitsplease · 12/07/2012 16:49

My dd1 had a tutor for a short time as she lacked confidence with Maths. It helped enormously. We will have her back over the summer for a couple if months just to keep ticking over. I wouldn't constantly tutor but will use it from time to time. That is our choice as parents. In classes of 30 at most state schools you cannot expect school to deliver at all times.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 12/07/2012 16:50

Oh, this is a grammar school thing, is it? We don't have grammar schools here, so the only children I know of who had tutors were the children struggling with something. Which seems like a good idea to me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 16:50

My DS's school got a maths tutor in for him - he got 10 sessions over the course of 10 weeks in school term. It was a government scheme and it was brilliant...he needed a bit of help, they recognised that and chose him as one of the handful of children that they were given funding for...I never thought we were cheating at all.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 16:52

Hackmum if the schools were bringing the best out of the children as they should do, there would be no need for tutoring.

The people who come out bad in this are not the kids or the parents but the teachers imo.

If I was an accountant and my child excelled in maths, would that make us cheats because I did a lot of maths at home with him?

I mean just because he was doing better than other children whose parents were not experts in the subject?

hackmum · 12/07/2012 16:54

Vicar: " very. sad that you worry so much about what other people are doing."

Of course she might not worry at all in the ordinary course of events. Child needs a bit of help out of school, parent gets tutor, fine. But in a competitive situation, of course you worry about what other parents are doing. You might resent the fact that to get your child through the 11+ you have to pay for your child to be tutored just because, as Grapes put it, "she is going to have to fight for that place against less able but highly tutored children."

SusanneLinder · 12/07/2012 16:54

I got my oldest daughter a Maths tutor in Secondary school. Her school did not have time to explain stuff to her properly in a way she understood and she was falling behind. I don't see how that was cheating.

Saved money by time it came to Highers as her then bf (now DH) was a Maths geek and is now an accountant :o

wolvesdidit · 12/07/2012 16:57

I am a tutor. The kids I tutor are not cheats - they tend to be lovely boys who get overlooked at school as they are not struggling 'enough' to merit extra help but do tend to want/need it. Mostly I tutor boys who are 10-15 and I am going back over key stage 1 work with them including handwriting/capital letters etc. It is rare to get asked to tutor kids who are already achieving well. And please bear in mind that the children do lots of extra homework to assist their progress so they certainly deserve credit for bringing themselves on. (No one can work magic. I have tutored a couple of children who did not make any progress because quite frankly they just couldn't be arsed).

hackmum · 12/07/2012 16:57

Worra - I think you're missing the specific point which is that this is to do with the 11+, or seems to be. (I'm fed up of defending the OP and wish she would come back to do it herself!) Of course there's nothing wrong with doing the things that all good parents do - helping your kids with their homework, reading them stories, giving them extra maths puzzles to do etc etc. The tutoring thing is a particular flashpoint because it seems, if I've understood correctly, to be less about encouraging one's child's native interesting in learning and more about targeting them in a very directed way to make sure they pass a particular exam.

Socknickingpixie · 12/07/2012 16:57

it a sorry state of affairs when doing extra work or putting in more effort is concidered to be cheating

WerthersUnOriginal · 12/07/2012 16:58

The people I know that use tutors for their dc are because their dc are struggling at school and because they're worried for themSad. It's not cheating for heavens sakeHmm. What an odd thing to say. It's supporting your child with some needed extra help.