Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
littleweed10 · 09/07/2012 20:26

YANBU and you've been given a bloody hard time on here. significant occasions have happened in your bf's life over the past 20 years and you've been a part of every one of them it sounds like, and vice versa. So why oh why wouldn't anyone with this depth of friendship just to be a mite upset about not being invited to the baptism?
For those who are religious, I respect and appreciate it has massive significance on who you pick, however in my experience, many modern baptisms as much relate to the 'who is of good moral standing and would be good for my child, now and in the future'. That is not an insult to those who are religious, it is a simple reality.
Take the chance to speak to her not email, or to put it another way, if you text or email, expect that to be it, kaput, end of friendship.
Speak if you want to ask about not being invited to the baptism, but as loads of people have said, avoid the gp bit. It is very emotive, and like others have said, although hurtful there may be rational thinking behind the decision, eg choosing childless gp, one with less on her plate??
Lastly YANBU, there are clearly a lot of tougher, thick skinned people on here than I would be in your situation. Chin up op x

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 20:26

"if the roles were reversed and I had borrowed everything from her I would have thought twice if I were not going to make her gp"

I wouldn't because I would never in a MILLION years have connected the two
What makes you 100% she linked the pram to the GP issue just because you did?

IMO its a strange thing to link up! they're two completely separate things!

griphook · 09/07/2012 20:27

But who knows why she's done it? Either she's upset with you for some reason you're completely unaware of or she really is a social climber who cares more about status than friendship and that's why she's invited this woman to be godmother. If the latter, then you're better off without her. If the former, then I guess it's worth finding out what it is. It's sad, though.

This is the important issue. Your friendship what does it mean to her?

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:28

Look, she probably lied by omission about the christening because she knew you'd react like this about not being godmother. I have several good friends who could have been dd's god mothers, my oldest friend is ds's, but when it comes down to it other people - family - took priority. I don't think any of my friends would react like this when they find out about dds christening (yesterday) because I couldn't be friends with someone who did.

shergar · 09/07/2012 20:28

I don't agree that you can't give something with 'conditions', or rather give something of value based on YOUR BELIEFS about a situation. It depends on what you're giving, and who to. For example, my husband could give me a diamond necklace that had belonged to his mother, and that would be appropriate to the relationship we have. If he gave the same item to a casual acquaintance at work, that would be insane. Equally, if he gave me such an heirloom but then discovered I was shagging his friend and planned to separate, I think it would be reasonable for him to get his necklace (which has sentimental value as much as actual value) back. The OP would be within her rights to wish to have back items of value to her based on the very altered beliefs about the nature of her relationship to her 'friend'. I would feel taken for a ride in the situation the OP describes.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:29

Like I say, it was a family and GP christening - fair enough. I think she didn't ask me to be GP because she wants to cement her relationship with the other woman. She probably feels that I am an old faithful (obviously as she is my ds1 godmother that bond exists) and that it doesn't matter in the long run if I am hurt as I will be there anyway.

Or maybe she just prefers the other girl. But then I would argue that she shouldn't have taken my stuff/asked for a pram. See?

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:29

I think Shergar raises a very good point

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 09/07/2012 20:30

OP why did you ask on AIBU if you are so sure you are not?
You only want to hear that you are right, or that others would feel the same as you.
Those who agree with you are deemed to be "sensible"? How nice to the rest of the posters Hmm I wouldn't want you at a christeneing either if this is how you behave irl.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 09/07/2012 20:30

*christening

Bearcrumble · 09/07/2012 20:30

Yes, Shergar is absolutely right.

skipinmyskip · 09/07/2012 20:30

You have my sympathy OP. My oldest and previously best friend never told me her DS was being christened until after the event and proceeded to show me photos of her, and another two BFs who were there at the christening. Lovely.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:30

But WHY shouldn't she? For the love of God.

Even if she does feel closer to this other girl now it doesn't mean she isn't still your friend.

EdithWeston · 09/07/2012 20:31

Just wondering - why didn't she come and pick the stuff up?

And was she really up to having 5 visitors to stay at around the time she gave birth? I am wondering if that weekend is indeed key.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:31

Yes that is exactly it, trickychalice. You are always there for her, you've always done things for her, and she is taking you for granted.

Basically she thinks she can treat you like shit, and get away with it. You need to make it clear to her that you won't tolerate it.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 20:32

There are 4 things bothering the OP (am I right?)

  1. not being GP
  2. not being invited to the baptism
  3. being lied to about the baptism
  4. that she gave the pram on the expectation that it would belong to her GC
  1. We don't know why, maybe because the GM is childless, maybe because she lives far away, maybe because she likes her more, maybe because you are already in their pockets enough? Doesn't necessarily make the friend a social climber, we don't know why, we just know the OP expected it to be her
  2. NOONE was invited to the baptism but family and GPs, if there had been other people there as friends then yes I would see the snub, but I don't since they didn't have that sort of party
  3. Fair enough, but she shouldn't have been put in a postition where felt she HAD to, understandable that the OP is miffed about it but IMO its worth reflecting on why she made her friend feel she couldn't tell the truth
  4. I can't see how anyone but the OP was UR about this
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 20:33

"Even if she does feel closer to this other girl now it doesn't mean she isn't still your friend"

YY, its not the playground where someone has to be out for another to be in, you can have limitless numbers of close friends

Vev · 09/07/2012 20:33

Don't blame you for being upset OP. It would be the lack of an invite and not
being told of the christening that would upset me. Sometimes the longest of friendships come to an end, even when you thought they never would.

Take care and remember leastest said, soonest mended.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:34

Good one shergar. Much more articulate than me.

Well cherie I guess we will never agree on this issue then. If I had given the pram to someone else, it would have been lent - they would have come and picked it up and there would have been no sentiment attached to it. As I have tried to explain many, many times, this friendship is different. I have lent lots of friends things without any expectation of anything back. This is different. See the point I am trying to make? You may not think it is rational, but like I said, friends have a shorthand and she knows exactly how I am feeling now. I guarantee it.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 20:35

"Or maybe she just prefers the other girl. But then I would argue that she shouldn't have taken my stuff/asked for a pram. See?"

no, not in the slightest, I don't see at all
how does getting closer to someone else mean you can't expect other friendships to stay the same?

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:36

It's different for you but maybe it isn't for her. And maybe, as I said, she knew you would get all single white female be upset and ducked the confrontation.

griphook · 09/07/2012 20:37

Like I say, it was a family and GP christening - fair enough. I think she didn't ask me to be GP because she wants to cement her relationship with the other woman. She probably feels that I am an old faithful (obviously as she is my ds1 godmother that bond exists) and that it doesn't matter in the long run if I am hurt as I will be there anyway.

This answer seems to confirm that she is shallow or maybe it's too hurtful to think but that she does value the friendship as much

CaptainVonTrapp · 09/07/2012 20:39

I would say

"I was surprised to see the christening photos on facebook. Why didn't you tell me it was the christening I would have liked to send a card. Have I said something to cause us to fall out, I feel really hurt that you didn't mention it?"

Or similar. Find the right question to ask to clear the air.

All the stuff you gave her, I think you're just trying to set the scene of what your friendship is like but I don't think its relevant or something you could ever bring up. And there are lots of factors in choosing a Godparent like who's the most religious or who both parents choose.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:39

I have gleaned some invaluable advice from posting in AIBU. Firstly that I will not send the email, so for that alone I think it has been worth it, don't you formerly? Some posters are making me feel that some of the things that I have said are unreasonable, others are reinforcing that other things aren't. Useful.

Fwiw I am not disappointed that I wasn't invited, in light of the fact that I had no role. I would've felt awkward, and everyone else would've too as they will be feeling my pain - I think it was implicit for a long time that we would be each other's fb godparents and I think we even discussed it.

Obviously I suggested we didn't go down and I even tried to find a friend who could take it to her while passing. I guess she really wanted the stuff because she made sure we did go down and we stayed with her folks. She couldn't come up because of work.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:40

Also, I went down with a pretty young baby, so I don't feel too sorry for her. I think on balance, I was probably more inconvenienced than her...

OP posts:
007alert · 09/07/2012 20:40

I can understand your perspective op, having been in a similar one myself. However, although I had been passed over for gp (and similarly my bf was gp to my eldest) I was still invited to the christening. I went and had about 4 people say how lovely it was that I was being gp. I had to explain to everyone that I was there are a regular guest, not gp. It was rather embarrassing for everyone. I think we had a similar friendship that you have (had?): best friends since 11, spent all summer holidays together, reciprocal bridesmaids, gap year travelling, same religion (and both practising). When I found that the godmother she had chosen was someone she had known for only a couple of years and wasn't even the same religion as us, I was really hurt.

Our friendship has survived, but on a different level. It was, and is, such an inexplicable thing to have happened in the knowledge of our 25 years of shared friendship.

I totally understand why you feel as you do.

Fwiw I have never raised it with her, but I wish I had. Too much water under the bridge now.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.