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AIBU?

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Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
paidgofyn · 09/07/2012 20:11

You were the one who started the buggy thing.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 20:11

she couldn't have deliberatley tried to avoid a confrontation by lying...
if she didn't think that there was potential of a confrontation

she was obviously scared of your reaction, as I said earlier! which is YOUR fault for assuming GP role

You do NOT have to invite and cater for friends if you want your child christened, and it is crass to challenge that
If someone got married and it was just family and witness would you say they were wrong to not invite friends or that they are entitled to get married WITHOUT having to have the big party?

darksecret · 09/07/2012 20:12

YABU for using a word like disingenuous!

If you want to accuse her of being deceitful or two faced then you should do so. Disingenous is what the Daily Mail calls Katie Price. It's not an adjective to use anywhere near a friend. She will look for the word behind the word, which is what you should have been honest enough to use in the first place.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:12

We are hung up on the bugaboo because you gave said quite clearly that you thought your motives were pure when you lent it to her but you now realise it was effectively a quid pro quo. And that's not very nice.

Maybe her husband didn't want you to be gm and she's embarrassed. In which case perhaps you should be a little more charitable about her motives rather than assuming she is "empire building" with more valued friends (whatever that means).

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:13

No hex, not yet. And I'm glad I didn't send it impulsively, because even the gentlest, most empathetic say I shouldn't.

Not sure I can do the phone thing though. Either a moderate email, or an excuse for the trip (the bitchy side of me would like to cancel it now, rather pointedly) seem to be the courses of action. Which should I do? Hopefully she will do the right thing re. the bugaboo in time. Not that bothered - don't want it to be a poisoned chalice.

OP posts:
Sloobreeus · 09/07/2012 20:13

Which is more important to you, the friendship or the hurt you feel? If you send the email, the friendship will in all likelihood be over. If you can somehow deal with it for now, the friendship may continue. Having said that, it may be that for some reason your friend has decided that it's over. After a while I would find an opportunity to speak to her face to face. That conversation might end with you getting an answer which will end the friendship anyway, but at least you would know and could judge make judgements based on her attitude/body language etc. I can understand why you feel hurt but we cannot dictate what other people choose.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:13

I repeat my question OP, as you keep ignoring it and mentioning the pram. Did you send the email? And have you heard back?

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:13

Ooops sorry OP we cross posted! :)

MarysBeard · 09/07/2012 20:14

The funny thing is, she is not this machavellian character that it may seem. She is pretty flaky, pretty unreliable, very passive and good fun. That's all. She is being secretive out of cowardliness, nothing else. She hates confrontation - that is one of the things I like about her.

I'd say she probably doesn't want to be friends any more, or not in the same, close way as you have both moved in different directions, but is too "passive" and "non confrontational" to say so.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:14

I would phone her.

But that's what I'm like, I prefer to have things out in the open

Then you will know where you stand with her rather than having to play a guessing game

outtolunchagain · 09/07/2012 20:15

If she didn't want to feel indebted then she shouldn't have asked in the first place.Some people are very hard hearted on this thread,sometimes feeling hurt isn't necessarily explainable ,sometimes it doesn't stand up to analysis but it still bloody hurts ,the OP has a tiny baby as well by the way

paidgofyn · 09/07/2012 20:15

I have never heard someone use the words poisoned chalice like you seem to OP.......you have an interesting vocabulary

griphook · 09/07/2012 20:15

Your making this about stuff, which i understand as I think what you are saying is you wouldn't have given her the stuff if you thought she didn't value your friendship as much as you thought she did. But she clearly doesn't, the only reason you can give for her choosing the other friend is she is in ore of her. The places your friend as either shallow, using you for your items and not having the relationship you thought you did. Fwiw I would feel the same and if a friend kept the christening from me I think that would properly be it for me.

I would feel hurt and humiliated

waterwatereverywhere · 09/07/2012 20:15

YANBU. I would be hurt and want to know why I wasn't invited (more so than why I wasn't Godmother)
Like Catinboots I had an issue (never discussed as I saw it would be seen as petty although it was hurtful) with my 3 closest friends all of whom were my bridesmaids. Not that I expected to be invited as bridesmaid 'in return' but that 1 wedding I wasn't invited to and the others only to the evening :/
I think in these situations a polite conversation can help maintain friendships or you start to question if it is one way.

IslaValargeone · 09/07/2012 20:16

I'd be very hurt at not being invited to the christening. If a close friend of mine told me 'she wasn't doing much' at the weekend when she was actually having her baby christened, I would be really upset. I think that's the thing you have to focus on.
You appear to have been extremely kind with clothes and the pram etc, especially taking it so far to her, however, I don't think kindness should come with a price. It does sound a wee bit 'you owe me' kind of thing?
I think you need to be aware that your friend might be taking advantage of you or just doesn't feel the same way any more, which is an awful feeling I know.

OhTheConfusion · 09/07/2012 20:16

Were the pictures on fb? You could post a 'oh isn't the little one so cute' style comment and await her response!

TheCraicDealer · 09/07/2012 20:16

....so she was so worried about the "confrontation" over the GP thing she lied about the christening she, but she's not so behind the door about asking for the lend of a +£600 pram? Nah, I'm not buying the poor, woe-is-me story, sorry.

griphook · 09/07/2012 20:18

Stop worrying about the pram, you gave it away, if it was that important you shouldnt have given it away.

Maybe she doesn't want the friendship anymore but wanted your stuff so took what she coulc

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:18

Not yet hex.

All this conjecture is in my head. Can I make that clear to everyone? So all accusations of calling her disingenuous in an email, demanding buggies back is spurious.

She didn't mention it cherie, because fundamentally she is a nice person and knew that she would be hurting my feelings. Because with old friendships you can project what someone else might feel. But she did it clumsily and it has compounded the hurt. What do you not understand about that? I have not levelled any accusations at her (yet) or confronted her about it or been the high maintenance, needy nightmare friend that you are implying.

Her husband and I get on great and he regularly sends me MMS pictures of their dd with funny captions.

OP posts:
ZebraLeg · 09/07/2012 20:21

I'd be upset too OP

hackmum · 09/07/2012 20:22

People are giving the OP an unnecessarily hard time.

She's your best friend. She is godparent to your eldest. You were matron-of-honour at her wedding. You were immensely kind to her, driving to her house to give her baby stuff that she couldn't afford, and in addition you gave her a Bugaboo when she asked for it, moving your own son into a Maclaren.

And then she repays you by not inviting you to her DD's christening and asking someone else to be godparent. Of course you are right to be hurt. Why wouldn't you be?

But who knows why she's done it? Either she's upset with you for some reason you're completely unaware of or she really is a social climber who cares more about status than friendship and that's why she's invited this woman to be godmother. If the latter, then you're better off without her. If the former, then I guess it's worth finding out what it is. It's sad, though.

ReindeerBollocks · 09/07/2012 20:23

I'd be really hurt and questioning several aspects of the friendship, from the lying to the non reciprocal GP too. It could be that she would want you to be GP to any future children, or know that you will always be close. But in that situation surely she would have been upfront about it?

The pram (bugaboo get you! Wink ) is a none issue, just merely reads as how close a friendship you should have, which would emphasis the hurt IMO.

My BF is GP to my children, in fact were so close we go to the christenings of each others nieces and nephews!

Talk to her, over the phone if necessary, and tell her that you were hurt that she never mentioned the christening. Take it from there. Don't ignore her or cancel the visit as then this situation will be left to fester and would be more of an argument down the line. Hope you're alright OP, and I'm sure you can get your friendship back on track.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:23

I'm using the term poisoned chalice in the sense that I didn't mean to give it with heavy conditions attached. I admit maybe, subconsciously I did have expectations. But I don't need the stuff, and I don't want it now. So try to take it out of the equation.

The fact that I gave her the stuff (lent is probably a better word, although we never discussed this) is relevant only in that if the roles were reversed and I had borrowed everything from her I would have thought twice if I were not going to make her gp (when I would have known that there was an implicit understanding that she would be).

I drove down because I am kind. I think.

OP posts:
griphook · 09/07/2012 20:24

For what reason do you think she didn't invite you or ask you to be gp then?

IslaValargeone · 09/07/2012 20:25

The lying about the christening would really stick in my throat, I do feel for you op.