godparent snub

[trickychalice]

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

Is the other lady more religious? Live closer, have more time to dedicate to the baby? Being a godmother is more than just being a good friend, it's about who is/ would be the best guardian/ support for the baby.

Your post interests me as my dd is being christened next month and I'm not choosing my bf as godmother and I'm
dreading telling her. The person I've chosen has just been better support with my baby since she has been born and is a very unselfish person - would drop anything for her or any friend in need. Not saying this is the case in your situation.

Am very surprised she didn't even tell u about the christening.
Looks like you weren't even a close choice for godparent. I'd be more upset about that.

I would meet her face to face. E mail/ text too much of a cop out

I can hardly believe how awful some posters have been. Cherie, you are absolutely vile!

The OP has been a really good friend to her friend. Her friend asked for a buggy - she gave her an expensive buggy that she hadn't finished with. She gave her all her best loved baby clothes. She took them to her - who the hell was it that read something sinister into that? I saw it as an act of kindness because the friend's baby was due - and as the OP said, her friend was working in a factory until her due date. The OP would have to be a pretty crap friend to insist on the buggy being collected, wouldn't she?

She did all of that because she loves her friend. She asked her friend to be GP because she loved her. She wasn't being Lady Bountiful and she wasn't expecting quid pro quo. She loved her best friend and wanted to help her and to keep her in her life and in her children's lives.

Whoever thinks christenings are always about religion are very, very naive. Nowadays they're mainly about trusting someone to care for your child if you die. The OP trusted her friend.

She doesn't deserve the slating she got here. It's so obvious to anyone who has true friends that she didn't give the buggy expecting she'd be GP - ffs! She gave the buggy etc because she loved her friend. Because she assumed her friend loved her as much, she assumed she'd be godparent. We've all made assumptions, haven't we? What about women who live with men assuming they'll be faithful? We trust and make assumptions without thinking because we think we know the other person so well.

OP, I wouldn't send an email. I'd wait until I saw her - she'll know then that you know about it and are upset. You need to talk to her face to face.

omg Cherie you are coming across as being on a bit of a witch hunt here to me. Please correct me if I'm wrong but your comment "Fair enough, but she shouldn't have been put in a postition where felt she HAD to, understandable that the OP is miffed about it but IMO its worth reflecting on why she made her friend feel she couldn't tell the truth" reads as if you are actually condoning BF's lying!?

oh i can see how you would be hurt at not being invited, but really yabu to expect to be gp, and to be cross that she accepted something you gave away, dont give things away next time if your expecting things in return.

perhaps the other person lives closer and she sees her more, or she sees her other friend as more fun.

i guess its upto you if this a dealbreaker or not

To cut a long story short i would ask for the buggy back and then let the friendship just slide. Obviousy you would maintain cards etc for your goddaughter but other than that the friendship doesnt particularly sound like its worth the effort.

I would feel majorly fucked off if a so called friend had lied to me like that, and i would back off majorly.

I don't think anyone else would have been feeling your pain if you had been there as a regular guest. The world doesn't actually revolve around you.

The fact you were happy not to attend if you were not princess for the day gm says it all, really.

Flaky and unreliable ill say. She sounds like a coward and not much of a friend to lie to you, and not invite you to the christening

OP, you are allowed to feel sad about the situation, not least because it shows that a friendship you thought of in one way clearly isn't viewed that way by your friend. I've been there (not being asked to be bridesmaid by best friend; christenings with small group of friends where I've not been invited etc), and it's really hard, and you feel crap. But you need to decide what you want: do you want to stay friends, albeit not the best friends you once were? Or do you want a row and risk losing the friendship altogether? Because there's now ay really that you will come out of this on top, as at the end of the day it's entirely the mother / bride's prerogative who she asks to be GM / bridesmaid.

I feel abit sad for you, as I think this has changed the relationship and things will feel very different from now on. But I do think you should call her and not let it fester

OP, don't confront her on it, it'll (to her) just demonstrate why she 'had' to not tell you about the christening. It'll become self-perpetuating cycle of you wanting something from her and her wanting to give less. You'll feel shit. What can she say anyway? Actions speak loudest and she made someone else godparent.

I totally get the empire buiilding thing. In. Y extended circle there's a woman who passed over great mates to be godparents and instead invited an Austrian Countess and the owner of a Scottish estate with impressive grouse moor. Caused some brilliant people watching fall out, I can tell you.

OP, don't confront her on it, it'll (to her) just demonstrate why she 'had' to not tell you about the christening. It'll become self-perpetuating cycle of you wanting something from her and her wanting to give less. You'll feel shit. What can she say anyway? Actions speak loudest and she made someone else godparent.

I totally get the empire buiilding thing. In. Y extended circle there's a woman who passed over great mates to be godparents and instead invited an Austrian Countess and the owner of an estate with impressive grouse moor. Caused some brilliant people watching fall out, I can tell you.

OP, this is more than a godparent snub. Sounds like your friendship has changed. Having kids can change people, especially when distance is involved.
New, local friends kind of take preference.. And old best friend get further down 'the list'.
As hurtful as it feels, the gp thing, and especially not been given the 'heads up' about the very intimate christening... And then someone putting it on fucking 'rub your face in it book'.... All of the above confirms that you are no longer the best friends you used to be. You're further down the list.
Time to ask about your baby items. And, as wise Worral said... Please don't email her. Rise above, and ask her when you see her.

Oh fgs chub I was being facetious. Of course the day is about her and the baby. However people would have been a bit embarrassed - mostly me.

You seem determined to needle at me, so I'll just rise above it. You really aren't being very nice, if you read back your posts. I feel vulnerable and I am exposing myself on here, and you are just being nasty. I think you have really misjudged me. I am not perfect, but I am certainly not the prima donna you have painted me. In fact I usually internalise any hurt and mostly blame myself. This is truly exceptional in how it has made me feel. I can't emphasise enough how many times I have felt slighted or snubbed and rationalised it as fair enough - me being a twat. I don't feel like that now. I feel pretty humiliated - like I am not good enough to be this baby's gp, and you seem determined to compound that.

Of course you're not unreasonable to be hurt - lordy some posters just don't seem to have any empathy or feelings at all and I wonder if that's how they behave in real life.

I personally would postpone any visits for the time being as you're going to be feeling a bit raw.

And I'd love to know how the OP was playing lady bountiful when the friend asked for the bugaboo. And you are far far nicer than me - I wouldn't have given my bugaboo to anyone

I think you see this as sport chub as your posts are loaded with malice - not very constructive.

Whenever anyone flags up any of your own words that paint you in a less than flattering light in this thread, you become very angry and defensive. Perhaps you should think about how you come across to people if you don't like their reactions. It may assist you in dealing with your friend.

omg sundae, I totally know who that is!

If it was me I would be feeling hurt. You sound like a fabulous friend. You give a lot because in theory this is what good friends are supposed to do, however, what makes you different is you follow the theory by putting it 100% into practice. Few friends do!

You need to take a step back and have a look at the friendship. Has your friend let you down before or not done something quite as you expected? Have you turned a blind eye or never really questioned it because after all you're meant to be such good friends?

Ask your friend why you weren't invited to the christening. Tell her how you feel. Afterwards have a think about her response and how your friendship really stands. You can't make your friend feel something she doesn't, but what you can do is learn to accept how the friendship has changed over time.

Friendships can move on. It can be hurtful at times but learning to accept the limitation of the revised friendship can help. It means you can still be friends and enjoy the good times BUT you know when to pull in the reins because it won't be appreciated in the way you thought it would be.

Just to clarify I don't think any conversation with her should be a 'confrontation'. Just two adults having an open conversation about their feelings/decisions. The outcome of this may help you to decide how to proceed. Rather than simmering about it for years...

um... whatever chub. "princess for a day", "world revolve around me" - and that is only your last post. I don't think those were my own words? I can't be bothered to look further back, but trust me, I have plenty of lovely loyal friends who wouldn't behave like this. I have said I am flawed, but I still like to think I am pretty kind.

OP, I know it's hard but try not to take any notice of those that are just throwing personal insults around and are being spiteful.

Holy cow.

This is wrong on so many levels. Your OP smacks of money money money, material objects, and things.

She could not come and pick up second hand stuff from you, after she had a newborn, and you promptly descended on her with 3 children for a weekend trip to drop of a used pram and some clothes that "meant a lot to you"?

Did you TELL her how much this shit meant to you? Did you tell her you expected to be made godparent in a tit for tat kind of move, despite not being religious?

You assumed the stuff would be for a much loved god child? So, now you cant love her child as much, and you regret dumping your used items on her?

Well, if I was your friend, i would not want the friendship to continue.

Are you sure you did not drop off your marbles along with the bugaboo??

Ok, I'll try captain. I totally accept that this is the best way. I will maybe leave it til the visit, and as suggested have some quiet time where I can tell her how I feel. Venting here has made me a lot more positive about things - if I'm honest I have been dwelling on it a bit for months - half hoping that she just hadn't chosen yet. Then hoping it may be family. Its easier now I know.

I know it is not a big deal in the scheme of things and I am not entitled to anything, but if people look at this reasonably, could they try and at least see why I am hurt?

I'm not being spiteful. I can't actually copy and paste directly from your posts on the mn app but you're not coming across well here, I'm afraid.

I don't need to come across well because this thread isn't about me. Although it can be, if you like.