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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 09/07/2012 19:54

Giving really should not expectations on them, you should give freely because you want to and if you are asked to be godparent that's a bonus

more · 09/07/2012 19:54

Blimey you are so much nicer than me. If a good friend/confidante of 20 years blatantly lied to me like that saying she is doing nothing much this weekend and then it turned out this nothing much was her child's christening, I would properly never speak to her again. I would also regret having been so nice to her, giving up my precious baby stuff to try and help her out. Stuff she asked you for. Stuff that you sat stuffed in a car for 4 hours with, with 3 kids, to deliver to her, to help her out. Most babystuff carries sentimental value. I still have a suitcase full and the mosesbasket. I cried when we had to leave my kids first bed when we moved.
I really don't get how you are being told that you should get over yourself here. Who likes being lied to. Let alone by someone you consider(ed) your best friend. Come on, you would all be hurt and wanting to ask your so called best friend what's going through her head.

CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 19:55

Blimey I can't beleive the roasting you've had OP!

For what it's worth, I would have been hurt and upset too.

Give it a bit of time and maybe have a heart to heart with your friend when you see her. Don't send the email

I hope you can move on from this and remain good friends

CurrySpice · 09/07/2012 19:55

Believe

pigletmania · 09/07/2012 19:56

Like others ave said, don't e mail, if she is a good friend you should be able to talk to her face to face about your hurt about not being invited to the christening

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 19:56

Why on earth did you lend her the bugaboo if your child was still using it? There's something rather Martha-esque about how you show friendship op. it would grate on me.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 19:56

I think many on here have been very harsh on the OP.

OP, YANBU. I would be upset too. Your friend seems to think your friendship is useful when it suits her (ie getting you to quickly stop using the bugaboo), but then expects to just treat you like rubbish when the mood takes her.

Like others have said, it is the secrecy with which she went about things that would be the main hurtful thing for me, and I would be pulling her up on that and asking her why she felt the need to keep it secret and telling her that I would have had more respect for her if she'd said she was having a christening and not inviting me, rather than conduct this childish secret christening.

Have you heard back from her yet?

I don't think you sound needy at all btw. You sound a lovely friend. Want to be my friend? Grin

pigletmania · 09/07/2012 19:57

More you hit the nail on the head.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 19:58

I, too, agree with More!

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 19:59

YANBU. I can completely see your side. I'm also in a group of people where being godparents draws lines and circles around friendship and counts for a lot.

I have a friend a bit like yours OP. Very much BFF when it suits and not other times, which I find odd and and I find myself rising to it much more than I actually value the friendship IYSWIM. Worse, it's embarrassing to be thought of as the kind of person who things need to be kept from. I totally feel your humiliation about the christening.

My advice: withdraw from the friendship in an unshowy way. Do not send an email, do not make a call. Just cool off. If she calls you be friendly but make no arrangements and try to get off the phone with subtlety. Don't say anything directly, and don't be snippy either. Rise above it.

You need to get your stuff back, though, because you'll feel sour about it. When she calls you (which she will) ask how she's getting on with baby, ask if mainly in a pushchair yet? Oh great, because you need the bugaboo back for X who's having a baby.

griphook · 09/07/2012 19:59

Taking the pram out of the situation, I think it very strange that she didn't even tell you about the christening even if she was going to have a big do. I honestly think that this is a one sided relationship, I mean surely if you were bf she would have talked about the planning of it.

You really need to call her asap

OhTheConfusion · 09/07/2012 20:03

OP, you need to seperate the issues you have mentioned.

Firstly, you gave the pram, were it not convenient or you did not want to you could have easily said your youngest dc was still using it. Second hand prams are readily available. Lending (or giving) a pram does not entitle you to be the childs godmother.

Secondly, what you should be focusing on is the lack of invite to your best friends baby's christening. I understand what you mean about a bond with best frends and I would be truly wounded to be excluded by my bf.

If I was in your position I would call her (to discuss the upcoming visit) and say that you seen the pictures online and you feel hurt that there has been no mention of the planning, godparents, invite etc as even if it was a small family and gp only event that as your bf she did not have to hide this from you.

You need to speak to her and make sure you both think the same regarding your friendship.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:03

chubfudder I am in an infinitely more fortunate position than her. I wanted to help a much loved friend out who had been taking shifts in a factory right up until her due date, who was hopelessly in debt and who wanted some nice stuff for her first born. I don't think that is martryish. I have lots of lovely things for my kids. My ds3 is very needy and nearly always in an ergo, so I thought she could use the bugaboo more than me. I have been through the PFB thing of wanting to turn my baby out in his finery and I understand that she wants to do that now.

I didn't resent her taking it. Now I do because our friendship feels different. So shoot me.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 09/07/2012 20:04

The CraicDealer Its caused no end of awkwardness between us all Sad, my ever helpful Dad suggested having another child just to smooth it all over Grin

AKMD · 09/07/2012 20:05

YANBU although obviously others disagree. I would be very hurt if a close friend deliberately excluded me from their child's Christening and yes, I'd probably be secretly hurt about the Godparent thing too, although I don't believe in infant baptism so wouldn't stand as a Godparent anyway

Forget the pram etc. That's material stuff and not worth the heartache. I'd focus more on a frank conversation NOT over email/text/Facebook about how you were sorry you hadn't known about the Christening, you would have loved to be there, what on earth have you done for her to feel the need to lie to you about it, silly thing?

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:05

Believe me OP, after how she has behaved I would be on that phone giving an excuse for having that bugaboo back in a flash! Then I'd sell it if you have no use for it. And treat yourself with the money.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:05

She probably feels a bit poor relation and the focus of your lady bountiful largesse.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:07

Chubfuddler, the OP said the friend asked for the Bugaboo....

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:07

Ah... the sensible evening crowd have come on. Nice.

I am pissed off and hurt and humiliated, but I'll get over it. The funny thing is, she is not this machavellian character that it may seem. She is pretty flaky, pretty unreliable, very passive and good fun. That's all. She is being secretive out of cowardliness, nothing else. She hates confrontation - that is one of the things I like about her. She doesn't want a show down and would like it all to go away and for us to go back to being bezzies. You may think I am making a lot of assumptions about her, but I know her. You know?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 20:08

Fair enough. The op could have said no if she was still using it.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:08

Oh god. Can't do wrong for right, chub. I was asked. I gave. Why is that lady bountiful?

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 20:09

So did you send the email then? And more importantly has she replied?

catinboots · 09/07/2012 20:09

OP I totally sympathise. I had a similar issue with my now ex BF about weddings/bridesmaids.

I was heartbroken - and got a pasting on here for being petty. Reading it written down it did look petty - but it was only me who knew the nuances of our friendship and could see that the situation was an indicator of deeper problems.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 20:10

I didn't really need it, could've given it to someone else, could've sold it, liked posing with it occasionally. We are getting v hung up on the bugaboo - it is symptomatic.

OP posts:
MarysBeard · 09/07/2012 20:11

Those were my thoughts Chubfuddler, I can only think she feels embarrassed at being the perpetual "poor relation" - I'd hate to feel so indebted/obliged to someone, personally. It sounds like they once used to have an equal relationship - travelling buddies etc, but now there is a massive mismatch in their llives.

I felt slightly uncomfortable about the OP driving over with all the stuff for the baby as well, as "for some reason" the recipient could not collect it. Maybe she didn't really want it but was too embarrassed to say?

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