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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:56

tricky asked me why I felt sorry for her, I answered, its allowed Hmm

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 16:57

I honestly dont think she gives as much of a shit as you think she does. How do you think she knew I expected it? Because you obviously think I implied it. I didn't. You are extrapolating a lot of weird stuff from what I have written and choosing not to understand what I have tried to explain exhaustively on here.

OP posts:
BovrilonToast · 10/07/2012 16:59

I know! Just sayin' Grin

And Tricky I'd be upset too... what you feel can't really be governed by logic or much else...

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:02

because you have said that she knew you would be expecting it and that you would be miffed if you weren't, wasn't that your whole issue with the pram

"I know she will know that I expected to be godparent"

look, she was wrong to lie, but YOU created the awkward situation in the first place

hattifattner · 10/07/2012 17:02

OP, you are assuming that your relationship with her child can only be special if you are a GP.

You are a very old, close friend with a child of a similar age. Over the next few years, you will continue to meet up and the kids will play together and you will be like an aunty with the fun almost cousins.

Its not nice that she didnt invite you to be GP, or to the christening, but its her choice. Its your choice on how you will continue to be her friend.

In 15 years time, she may look back at you and your relationship with her child and think how wonderful a friend you are.

I have honorary godchildren. I tell them I am their honorary godmother. I spoil them the same way. And their mum tells me I pay more attention to them than their real godparents.

You can choose to be hurt, thats OK, but dont destroy your friendship over this.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:04

mine has lots of "honorary aunties" who weren't GPs but invest loads in my kid, nothing wierd or awkward about it

gingerpig · 10/07/2012 17:04

I think how your friend responds to your email will be the deciding factor over the future of your friendship now. You have put it to her in a calm, non-confrontation way, and now she has to respond. This response will tell you all you need to know about your friendship.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 17:06

But I am not in control of the fact she knew I expected it. I haven't behaved any differently. The expectation is cultural and historic - born out of shared experiences. She is not stupid and I think you need to credit her with a basic level of intuition. It is not down to me applying heavy emotional blackmail.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:06

"I know she will know that I expected to be godparent"

"I honestly dont think she gives as much of a shit as you think she does. How do you think she knew I expected it? Because you obviously think I implied it. I didn't. You are extrapolating a lot of weird stuff from what I have written and choosing not to understand what I have tried to explain exhaustively on here"

your story seems to change depending on which aspect of the situation you are talking about! She knew how you felt about being a godparent when its about the pram, you didn't make her aware of how your felt when talking about not being GP Hmm

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:10

you also said that she'ld know you you'ld react to NOT being GP because you are friends and know each other, so its not just a "cultural" thing, she obviously felt unable to approach you about it, because she knows you, and how you would be

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 10/07/2012 17:10

This thread has me speechless. I must be very green. People end friendships over who is made Godparent? Confused In my family/friends t's all extremely religious, not just 'a thing we do,' maybe that's what makes it different?

NotAnAxeMurderer · 10/07/2012 17:23

Cherie are you the friend? Grin

OP, I don't think YABU. I also don't think you're materialistic (as some have said) by listing the items you've given your friend. I think you're just trying to illustrate how much you've helped her and it's come across in a bit of a ham fisted way.

In your position I would also be extremely hurt and would be re-evaluating my friendship.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 17:24

I'm getting v bogged down in semantics. Hardly surprising as you seem determined to paint me as the villain and her the victim. I was asking you a kind of rhetorical question. How do you think she knows I had expected it. I am stating that it is because of 20 years of interwoven lives. You seem to think it is because I threw a hissy fit/sulked/emotionally blackmailed her.

OP posts:
DublinMammy · 10/07/2012 17:24

Cherie you're like a dog with a bone. A rancid bone.

gingerpig · 10/07/2012 17:25

She's not said she's going to end the friendship. She said she's going to re-evaluate it. Which I think is very sensible.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 17:29

Haha. dublin my thread is getting rancid. Isn't it? Still lots of v good points and sparring with cherie is keeping me busy waiting for a response.

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 10/07/2012 17:30

Maybe cherie is chudfudder in disguise

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:31

I'm not the friend thank goodness Grin
my best friends are still my DS's "aunty X" and "aunty Y" etc, and still my best friends, they didn't downgrade our friendship or their relationship to my baby when none of them were GPs

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 17:32

And btw I think I would look like a bit of an emotionally unintelligent twat/stalker if I didn't reevaluate. Her decision is clearly hinting that she is distancing herself from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 17:33

And I haven't done that to any of my other dear friends to whose children I am not gp. This one is different.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:34

"Her decision is clearly hinting that she is distancing herself from me." you do not know this yet. it is one isolated choice, doesn't mean anything in terms of who are her close friends on its own, not a thing! Not unless you KNOW the motives, at the mo you are still speculating

glastocat · 10/07/2012 17:41

Wow. I'm so glad my kid doesn't have godparents, had no idea it was such a minefield!

rooted · 10/07/2012 17:47

Hexagonalqueenofeverything, I appreciate your view and can see why my friend was upset but I stand by my view that it was a perceived snub, I certainly meant nothing by it. I choose godparents for religious reasons. My friend doesn't go to church nor would suggest that she has any active faith. If I didn't have any faith I may have chosen differently (although I would not have had them baptised if I had no belief). Anyway I just wanted to give the op a view from the other side.

TheLightPassenger · 10/07/2012 17:50

I do agree with cherie's v last point, to try not to write off the friendship completely for what has happened at this snapshot in time. having children can massively change the dynamics between existing friends, and the first year postnatal you can end up getting close to people on the fragile basis of having given birth round about the same month. try and stay in this for the long haul. obv you feel hurt and want to distance yourself as you feel rejected, but it would be a shame to write off the friendship completely.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 17:51

"And I haven't done that to any of my other dear friends to whose children I am not gp. This one is different."

well yeah my best friend is different to my other close friends too, and we've known each other for nearly 30 years.. she was my maid of honour, but not my DCs GP - you think I felt differently about her between those two events? well, no! I didn't! She just wasn't my childs GP, THAT IS ALL. Still best friends, she still spoils him rotton and travels more than 4 hours to see him!

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