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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 10/07/2012 14:29

Hex, presumably a service open to regular church goers as well as those invited to the christening?

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:30

But hex I do know that other than this gp I am her only v close gf. I actually think there is a bit too much security with me. She knows the relationship exists with us because of being gp to ds1. Whereas she is reinforcing the tie with other gp by making her gp.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 14:33

Yes I see what you're saying, tricky, and it's totally your decision and your choice. But in my opinion she doesn't respect you enough. If she respected you, it wouldn't have been an option to exclude you. But it's almost as if she knows you'll always be there and that you'll always put up with anything and everything from her.

Out of interest, what has she done for you in the friendship in recent years? Has she contributed anything at all to the friendship? It sounds one sided

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:36

Yes hex she has. She is a good gp to ds1. She keeps in regular touch (like I say, calling me on way back from hospital) and has given us great hospitality.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 14:38

Hmmm, I don't know what I'd do then. It sounds like you do want to keep her in your life, so it sounds as though you either just need to accept what she has said and put this behind you, have it out with her properly, or relegate her to just a 'friend' rather than a close friend and put less into the friendship.

Depends where you see the future of the friendship really

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:38

Contrary to what some of the other posters on here think I don't have much drama in my life so haven't really needed her.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:40

I think, honestly, that as she lives so far away and doesn't impact on my day to day life I will just see how it plays out. I am prepared for any scenario but in all honesty cannot ever see our friendship being restored to what it was. Sad

OP posts:
fridgeraiders · 10/07/2012 14:41

I have read (most) of the thread and something which stuck out for me was her tearfully asking in the shop for your v expensive pram, which she must have known you were still using. V hard to say no, I imagine. You say she is crap at confrontation, but people like that don't usually have such a brass neck as they would be too worried about offending/being turned down. She sounds a bit of a user (the fact you had to do the mammoth journey with it all as well!) She seemed very keen to get your stuff before she started backing away from the friendship. I'm sure you were very close etc at some point but no doubt over the last few years you may have drifted with your different lifestyles (you say you have 3 dcs and she has just had her first). She may now be putting more emphasis on this other friendship as she has been spending more time with her.

Also people who 'hate confrontation' are often scarily good at getting their own way. Men tend to just not engage and discuss so you can't really do anything but rant then walk away, whereas women (like your friend) often do the self flagellation 'oh Im so crap! etc etc' til you feel so uncomfortable you just let it go and they don't actually discuss the problem. Result for them really.

hollie25 · 10/07/2012 14:43

What Hex said!

I had a very similar situation (although didn?t expect to be God Parent) and found out form a friend that the christening took place and was not invited. Likewise it was a friend I have done a lot for and considered my BF.

However never discussed it with her and to this day she doesn't know I know because when I took a good look at our friendship it was all very one-sided and about what I could do for her. I stopped agreeing to everything and being so generous with money and time and she naturally drifted away ???..Hmm

haven't heard from her in 5 years now

DublinMammy · 10/07/2012 15:18

YANBU to be upset about being lied to. I would be really gutted about that. And frankly if you had previously talked about being GP to each others' FB, then it's odd that she asked someone else without talking to you about it first. I know the pram and other stuff is not the issue, it's a knee-jerk reaction to feeling so hurt.

It just sounds like the friendship has changed and hard as that may be to accept, it may be the truth. I see that you have emailed but my advice would have been if you can, have a chat with her about it all (leave it a while as with a new baby she may still be too wrapped up to discuss rationally). If you can't talk to her about it then perhaps you aren't the amazingly close friends you thought you were? It's a horrible feeling when a friendship like this changes, I have had it happen me and wept over it. From what you've said it sounds like the friendship will drift but I do think you were right to let her know how you feel.

stuffitunderthebed · 10/07/2012 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 16:04

Not yet. It felt cathartic sending it and I'm at peace with any outcome, so it's all good. Promise to update though.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:16

"I did not pressure her. I have not mentioned not being gp and have never sulked/been passive aggressive about it. I don't know where you are getting this from"

You have said that she knew you expected to be GP, so of course she felt prssure from you

she really didn't have a lot of options here:
Tell the truth and have you "downgrade" your friendship
or lie and then you only downgrade the friendship IF you find out
If she didn't care about being downgraded and loosing your closenes she might not have bothered lying, have you considered that?

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 16:30

But it is not because of any pressure from me that she knew I expected it. I haven't said a word or behaved any differently in the 4 months since she had dd. she knows because that is how the conventions of gp ship work with us. It's unspoken and I think her secretiveness after the event bears this out.

I'm sure she doesn't want our relationship to change. But she knows this will be the outcome.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:31

by EXPECTING it, you did put pressure on her to have you, can't you see that?
she wanted someone else and YOU put her in an awkward postition by expecing it!

Spatsky · 10/07/2012 16:31

Cherie, I have been in the OP is being unreasonable camp but I very much disagree about the lying.

The friend DID have an option of being honest. She could have said she was getting her child christened and explained that OP wasn't a godparent and that it was either no reflection of their friendship but decision was based on XYZ or that she feels closer to the other friend of late.

While I think the friend is entirely reasonable to want to be able to have a different friend as godparent without losing OPs friendship she has gone about it badly.

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:34

I wouldn't have lied
But the OP did say that she had been told and invited she wouldn't have wanted to go and her nose would still be out of joint, and that the friend would have known this, she while she could have told the truth, she knew that the truth meant definitely loosing something of the friendship - the OP has said as much, and by lying there was a chance it might stay the same

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:35

so really she was left with nothing but shitty options by the OP, whether she told or not

gingerpig · 10/07/2012 16:39

Cheriefroufrou you are far too invested in this thread. Is it hitting a raw nerve or something?

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:43

it keeps getting bumped up to the top of my "threads I'm on".. so what?

I just feel very sorry for this poor friend is all.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 16:46

Why on earth do you feel sorry for her? What have I actually done to her that is so terrible? I haven't even put her in an invidious position because until I sent that fairly inoffensive email I hadn't treated her differently in 20 odd years. At all.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 16:48

And spatsky I didn't say she would lose my friendship. It will be different. But that's mainly because she obviously sees it differently to how I did. I will probably be less available to her, but that availability was based upon what I now see was an illusionary relationship that I had invested far more into than her.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:52

you have said that you will see her child differently/less favourably/bother less with it because you were not crowned Godmother

"I said I'd seen the fb pics, looked like she had had a lovely christening but that I was sad she hadn't mentioned it on the phone. I think she will know what is implicit in that" If by "what is implicit in that" you want her to feel bad about not making you GM JUST because you expected to be, then that is UR

You have said that if the lying issue was removed, you'ld still feel this way about her! I feel sorry for her

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 16:53

oh and to start with you put her in an awkward postition by "expecting" to be GM and her knowing you would react badly to not being GM

Plus you connected the pram into all this

BovrilonToast · 10/07/2012 16:55

FGS Cherie I want to know if Tricky has had a response but it's just you wittering on...

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