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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
IawnCont · 10/07/2012 12:51

She deserves sympathy because, other than not telling you about a christening, she's done nothing wrong! Would you have preferred she made you godparent even though she actually though someone else was more suitable for the role, just to save your feelings?
It's not about you.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:59

This thread is about me though. I wouldn't dream of giving her a pasting - I have gently asked why she didn't tell me about the christening. If she wants to see the subtext then she will.

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 10/07/2012 13:03

Op what approach did you take in the email?

Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 13:14

Hawise i wasn't at my bf's child's family only christening, she was at my choice bigger christening but not a GP, neither of us readanything into it re the status of our friendship

OP at first i was with you on the lying point, but now that you've said that had she not lied, and invitedyou there as a friend, you'd not go and still be pissed so you didn't leave her with great choices did you?

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 13:15

I said I'd seen the fb pics, looked like she had had a lovely christening but that I was sad she hadn't mentioned it on the phone. I think she will know what is implicit in that.

OP posts:
ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 10/07/2012 13:15

Phew have finally read the whole thread.

OP, yanbu to feel upset and hurt.

IawnCont the op's friend has done more than just not tell her about the christening, she blatantly lied to her about it. That in itself is pretty hurtful behaviour from someone that you just assume you can trust after a long and close friendship.

I think it's been made pretty clear that the things that the op lent are just metaphoric. Their monetary value isn't important to the op, it's about what they represented as a symbol of the friendship and the op feels that she's been taken for granted and a bit used and that the friendship is not as equal as she thought. That's bound to hurt.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 13:17

My point is that I would've appreciated her using that opportunity to have spoken about everything. So it would've been far healthier for her not to have lied.

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 10/07/2012 13:20

Well done OP, it confronts the isue without being 'confrontational'.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 13:21

Also please understand I have many, many healthy friendships. So this one is not representative of me being a high maintenance nightmare. It is exceptional. She has had a very nasty falling out with a good friend/business partner v recently. This does not give me the moral high ground but is illustrative that she is not very good at communicating about uncomfortable situations. This would be obvious if I told you the whole situation with other friend but that would reveal too much on here about her. I wouldn't want to compromise anonymity.

OP posts:
IawnCont · 10/07/2012 13:22

ICut I agree that friend should not have lied. But I can understand it too. I would hate to feel pressured into choosing someone as a godparent.
I think that if I was OP I'd be more hurt that the friend felt the need to lie. That would bother me more than not being godparent. For whatever reason, she felt she couldn't say "look, we're christening DD this weekend, I didn't invite you because it's only family and godparents."

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 13:22

Thanks icut for bothering to read the whole thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 13:23

I did not pressure her. I have not mentioned not being gp and have never sulked/been passive aggressive about it. I don't know where you are getting this from.

OP posts:
SomethingSuitablyWitty · 10/07/2012 13:29

I really get where you are coming from OP. I think probably the (lengthy!) discussion you have had on here has been helpful, in that the email you have sent now is not a pained attack, but a gentle statement, reaching out for an explanation. That is definitely your best chance at getting to the bottom of this.

If your reading of your friend's behaviour is proven correct - and it might be; people can really let you down sometimes - you have to see how you will digest it. She may not have any better explanation to offer you of the type that people have been speculating about.

Still: I would advise you to not sacrifice the friendship. It is a big part of your life and a vital link to lots of shared past. Accept that your friend doesn't reciprocate as generously as you and maybe allow a period where you don't feel as obliged to go the extra mile for her. But keep the friendship and let it evolve. I lost the friendship two of my oldest and best friends in a poisonous falling out and I still suffer the pain of it. And as for the things you generously passed on: they're only things. I don't think you'll really feel the better for having them back in your attic or whatever. They were handed over with great kindness - let her hold on to them in that spirit.

hippermiddleton · 10/07/2012 13:40

something that's v good advice. OP, I hope you can work things out.

IawnCont · 10/07/2012 13:45

Sorry if I've misunderstood OP. I just thought she may feel pressured by you, and that's why she didn't invite you. (Totally concede if I've got it wrong though.) Why do you think she didn't invite you?

Losingitall · 10/07/2012 13:54

Because"saving face" implies that it's about how it looks rather than how it is!

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:10

In the context of "forewarned is forearmed" I would have liked the opportunity to save face given that she would know exactly how I felt.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:11

She didn't invite me because it wouldn't have been appropriate in light of the type of christening it was. A few locals, gp and family.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 14:13

Is that what she said in her reply? Did she say why she never mentioned it?

SundaeGirl · 10/07/2012 14:16

When did you send it? Let us know.

Longing to know who the other GP is.

IawnCont · 10/07/2012 14:17

And why do you think she was unable to tell you that her daughter was being christened this weekend when you spoke on the phone?

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 14:21

Why were locals so much more important to her than her life-long best friend?

It all sounds a bit bizarre

Spatsky · 10/07/2012 14:25

Or it could just be that the christening doesn't mean that much to her, that maybe she is doing it because that's what people do and hasn't considered that op attaches more significance to it than her...

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 14:26

Sent an hour ago. I think locals were easier as they were around and the logistics would've been "throw on a suit and meet us at the church", rather than asking me as the only non-godparent from miles away who would probably have to make arrangements for kids. And who would stick out a bit like a sore thumb. Plus she has always rather buried her head in the sand than deal with a potentially awkward situation.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 14:28

She sounds odd, trickychalice. I would just let the friendship drift. I'm sorry to say this but it really doesn't sound as though you mean that much to her. I don't want to upset you at all though.