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Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 11:50

Oh lurking you have totally misjudged me. There is no point trying to dissuade you from your entrenched views. I think most other people on here get me.

I may be many things - but a rl friend on here has confirmed that I am not high maintenance or a drama queen. And she knows me a lot better than you do. I am Sad that you think this about me but ultimately we all react differently to different situations. Also FFS stop trying to trip me up about the buggy. Any inconsistencies are minor and incidental and I have given a detailed response about it to catholicdad up thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 11:53

I would not expect to be asked to the christening as a non godparent. Lots of people there would've expected me to have been asked and I may not have conducted myself in the most dignified way as I would be hurt and embarrassed. So no, I probably wouldn't have loved going as the only non-family or gp person there. I'd have felt a bit of a loser tbh.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 10/07/2012 11:57

Jez people aremy posts invisible? ? THE GODPARENT DOESN'T = APPOINTED GUARDIAN IF BOTH PARENTS DIE

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 11:57

Tricky really that is not a nice attitude and a way of seeing things. You do need to grow up a bit and get some perspective, I can see now why she might have not asked you to be gp, yes her dh has a say and might not have wanted you as gp. Mabey she knew that you would not come to the christening unless you were gp, saved herself the hurt and did not tell you about it or ask you to come

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 11:58

That last paragraph of yours really says it all

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 11:59

I'm afraid I have taken the cowards route and emailed. I'll let you know how it goes. I took this route as I know she is the kind of person who would hate a phone call and who would rather assimilate what I have to say and compose a response.

OP posts:
hippermiddleton · 10/07/2012 12:01

Just wondering whether the friend's decision was about what she wanted from a godmother. Comments on this thread suggest choice could be affected by things like same religion and ability to instruct child in that religion; potential guardian in the event of both parents under a bus; excellent present giving; time to dedicate to a young child; sort of substitue child for a childless godparent...

I agree with this. OP, I think you're allowing yourself to be hurt over something that was badly handled rather than malicious. It sounds as if most of your social circle are godparents to each other's kids already - maybe your friends wanted to introduce a different influence into their child's life, in addition to the friends who were already there? What is so terrible about this poor woman who's been asked, other than she's not you? I'd be really upset - and a bit shocked - if I thought a friend would limit her interest in my child, purely because I didn't ask her to be a godparent.

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:01

piglet because I would've been embarrassed and awkward. Because I am human and not always entirely logically in control of my responses. I wouldn't have done a Malificent style strop obviously.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/07/2012 12:06

Yes i agree and can be the same myself Smile

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 12:14

Why the hell don't people read what the OP says?

Hipper, the OP has already said that her friend is LESS religious than she herself is.

The GP has just got married and is planning her own family.

And the GP lied - the OP spoke to her on the weekend of the christening and she said they weren't doing much.

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 12:23

Yes I would be hurt that she lied and did not talk to me about it before if she is such a close friend, and only reading it from facebook

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:23

And hipper lots of close friends haven't asked me to be godparent to their kids. I do not treat those children like pariahs because they are not my gc. I will treat this baby exactly the same as these other kids. But I won't behave like a gp to this baby. Because I am not.

Seriously people, why bother make people gp if you just expect them to fulfill exactly the same role as all your other non-gp friends. The role is then meaningless.

OP posts:
hippermiddleton · 10/07/2012 12:24

It's reasonable to be annoyed at the lying - I said it was badly handled - but where did I suggest that religion came into it? I was agreeing with a previous poster who came out with a perfectly credible string of reasons that might have affected the parents' choice of godparents, and didn't edit it.

I'm suggesting that maybe this other woman has qualities that the friend admires or enjoys that maybe the OP doesn't. She's 'flaky' apparently, but (without knowing what this woman does), one person's 'flaky' is someone else's 'creative' or 'artistic' or 'fun' - interesting influences to bring to a child's life, and a nice way of drawing someone without existing children into a group of parents.

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 12:25

If I were your friend I would have sat you down over a brew and let you know that you were not gp, I would then invite you to the baptism, it's up to you of coures wether you go or not

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:26

The other person is a good choice. She is cool and fun. But she is not as long standing or intimate a friend as me. Thus I am hurt as I feel that in some way I have fallen short and am not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:27

And thus you would have disarmed me. I would've been hurt, but I wouldn't have got a shock. I'd have been able to save face.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 12:30

Let us know when you hear back from her, tricky...

hippermiddleton · 10/07/2012 12:33

Then - I really mean this kindly, look, my expression is honestly sympathetic - this is about your self esteem. You sound like a generous, caring, involved friend. You don't need badges of love on a friendship. It was stupid of your friend not to talk to you about it first, but she doesn't love you less because she didn't ask you; there are all sorts of reasons why she might have asked this other woman, above and beyond her being cool and fun. It doesn't make you not cool and fun.

Ask her how the christening went and ask about the baby, and maybe she'll explain why she made the choice she did - but try not to take this so personally, or else it just turns into the same situation as kids who can only take three people to the cinema for a birthday treat and have to leave someone out. Everyone ends up being sad.

Hawise · 10/07/2012 12:34

OP I would have been very upset too if it was me. Tbh alot of people on here say they wouldn't, but when it happens to them, I think it would upset them. It's very easy to brush off someone else's feelings.
Your friend should have had the decency to mention to you that she had chosen someone else to be the godparent, whatever her reason.
Personally I would not send an email, just back off from this person. Still be friends, you know where you stand now(if she valued you she would have told you about the christening too), but just give back (and I don't mean things) to her what she gives you in terms of friendship.

Losingitall · 10/07/2012 12:36

I was with you OP until your "save face" comment!

What's that about!?

IawnCont · 10/07/2012 12:38

I have to say that I really feel for the parent of this little baby now. She has chosen the person she thinks is most suitable to be godparent to her child. She probably didn't say anything to the OP as she knew that OP had an expectation to be godparent, and would be upset. She was silly to put it on facebook, yes, but I can understand, after reading the OP's posts, why she didn't say anything.
And now she will be getting an email from the OP detailing that OP had an expectation to be godparent, and was now hurt. The woman is only doing what she feels best, and now OP is making it about her. I think it's pretty mean of OP.

makinglemonade · 10/07/2012 12:39

Just read through this thread and I can see why you are hurt OP - I would be too. I think she owed you the courtesy of telling you that she was having the baby christened and who she chose as GP. To me this would be a normal exchange between good friends. The fact that she lied about it means she knows that you would be hurt and although she has every right to select her GP if choice she should have been upfront with you.

I'm glad you emailed her as it would eat away at you otherwise - I hope you didn't mention the pram etc as that puts a different slant on the situation and although you didn't intend it you come across as being a bit disingenuous with this.

I hope you manage to work it out with your friend and recover from thus situation

Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:43

Why is it weird to want to save face rather than not knowing and having friends speculate about it (they have asked me if I am going to be gp.)? I could've said no and have left it at that rather than saying I don't know.

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Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:45

Oh don't feel too sorry for her - she is happy and fulfilled and maybe won't even give a shit. I don't know why she deserves the sympathy here tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 10/07/2012 12:46

She is not sitting in blissful ignorance. She made a choice that she knew would hurt me. It is her perogative but it was her choice. I have not laid into her at all.

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