godparent snub

[trickychalice]

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

Thank you all. Now swinging towards saying something. Will update.

Was my post asking about impact of a whole family descending on someone and staying (on next to no notice) at/around the time she was giving birth a hostile one? Did she even want guests, and was she well?

It wasn't meant to be hostile. But this is AIBU, and the possibility that OP was unaware of her impact, has been too overbearing, and that weekend left other mother thinking "never again".

I think I read up thread that she stayed with the friend's parents. Not with the friend herself. I think... Was a long time ago.

Longdistance might have a point! I got drunk and asked a friend to read a reading at our wedding when DH and I had not yet agreed who would do this, meaning another close friend had to miss out- still an issue (probably in my head only) now several years later!

The religious part seems to be getting left out. I can't see why surprisepotbelly would contemplate being a godparent to anyone as an atheist. Way back OP says, in response to my question about churchgoing, 'I am probably more religious than the chosen gp'.
I can see that it is hurtful but we don't know her friend's reasons. We left out the obvious candidates because they were atheists - we didn't tell them why, we just assumed they would know that it was because they couldn't make the very specific promises. We also had very small Christenings with just immediate family and godparents.
I think that you can have very strong friendships without the reciprocal arrangements. I was bridesmaid to the person I would consider my best friend, I didn't ask her because I had just one little flower girl. We asked her to be godmother, she then asked me to be godmother - but it wouldn't have upset me, or altered the friendship, if she hadn't.
Very high expectations can be stressful in a friendship.

This may have been said already but unless she is only planning on having one child maybe she is saving you for her other DCs. It would be a shane if the pfb got the best of everything.

I stayed with her parents - they are/were also like family. Also, she asked me to stay - I took my young baby on a trip that was far from ideal because she wanted the stuff and asked me to.

I think the religion thing is a bit of a red herring (in this case). As many people have said, nowadays people choose godparents for many different reasons - in this case I know that religion would not be the primary one. I know that because we have discussed these things when she became gp to my ds1.

I think the friend will have thought the OP already had her hands full with 3 DSs and wouldn't have the time or energy to be a good GM. Much more sensible to find someone who is not so busy.

Well that is what I would think I wouldn't be thinking of the possible inheritance when childless GP dies , not that we had ours christened as we are not religious .

Depending on the venue after the christening, it might not have been ideal to have an extra three small boys racing about there either.

So I don't think it was about the friendship. I think the friend feels guilty but she had other reasons for not inviting you all. If you could have gone by yourself it might have been different but you would probably been offended by a single invitation.

Just wondering whether the friend's decision was about what she wanted from a godmother. Comments on this thread suggest choice could be affected by things like same religion and ability to instruct child in that religion; potential guardian in the event of both parents under a bus; excellent present giving; time to dedicate to a young child; sort of substitue child for a childless godparent...

I understand all of these, and some of them influenced our choice of godparents, and I know the reasoning behind asking me and DH to be godparents. Maybe OP has assumed it would be for one reason, the friend has used another reason?

Maybe she just thought that someone with 3DCs wouldn't be the best person. There are any number of reasons.

That is the best advice- make the phone call.

some people really seem to deliberately not get what a huge slap in the face this will feel like to the op.

When you are so close to someone for many years and your lives are intertwined, because you have so much in common, and because you have shared so many important things through the years, there is an element of assumption on certain aspects, its not about actions (such as the loaning of the Bugaboo in this case) depending on a return action its about showing someone how much you care for them and how much they matter to you, the friend in this case will know how much her actions have hurt the op

OP I do think you need to talk to your friend, you need to know why you cant just throw away 20 years of what has been a very close friendship

some so called Christians are behaving in a very unchristian way, tearing into the OP and generally being incredibly unpleasant, you must go to the same church as my ex in laws!!

Thanks guys. I think sometimes on aibu people forensically dissect the op and forget about the real human emotions involved.

Keep us updated trickychalice, let us know if you contact her, and what she says in reply.

Try to ignore those that have been on a witchhunt on this thread. I always lose respect for peoples' opinions once they turn into bullies towards an OP.

I'm shocked at how childish this all is.

Just talk to her. If the christening was just a GP and family situation, YABU to be upset that you weren't invited. But you've said you wouldn't have cared unless you were Godmum anyway?
YANBU to be upset about being lied to about the Christening. But TBH I can see why..You are coming across like quite a drama queen, and as much as you say her baby's day wasn't about you, it is definitely coming across to me like you believe it IS about you. You deserve to be Godparent, you're more religious than chosen Godparent, she only chose this person because she is so in need of validation etc etc. By the way it's kind of hypocritical to be accusing her of being a bad friend when you've said some very unfriendly things about her personality on here..Do you even like her?

Seriously, just talk to her.

The pram thing is just confusing. Your story has changed that many times..Either way you chose to give her the pram. I would personally never ask for something so lavish, but in the end that was your choice. You can't be angry she took it now you're not a Godparent..That makes no sense. And again, is very childish.

I'm a godparent to three children. I was certainly not chosen because I was the best friend. I think YABVVVU and unfair to your friend.

She was however wrong to lie to you. I would calmly talk on the phone about why she didn't tell you. Leave out the childish stuff like status friends and expensive presents.

Something else to consider is her DH had a choice too. His choice may well have not been you.

In the circumstances I don't think you were unreasonable to expect/assume you'd be asked.

And YANBU to feel hurt ( you can't help how you feel regardless!)

I agree that you should speak to her. No, she didn't HAVE to have you there but it is odd and I'd want to know why. As others have said: if she's that good a friend a frank conversation won't do any harm.

I feel for you OP. I think you've been unfairly flamed here for feeling something that you can't help feeling! Good luck :)

Your friend must have her reasons for not asking you. Perhaps she didn't tell you about it so she didn't hurt your feelings?

I didn't ask a friend of mine (who would have expected to be asked) beacuse my DH can't stand her and refused to consider her for the role. She has no idea that he doesn't like her as he hides it well and tolerates her for my sake. I spent 2 years trying to persuade my DH to let me ask her but he wouldn't budge. In the end I decided that if she didn't know we had even had the baptism then she couldn't be hurt at not being asked and I wouldn't have to explain that my DH doesn't like her and the reasons why he felt she was not a good role model. It was a very small do with just grandparents (who know my friend and supported the decision) and godparents there.

Perhaps this was wrong of me and I know she would be devastated if she ever found out but it was done so as not to hurt her feelings at that time.

I had a similar situation recently when I didn't ask a close friend to be a godparent to either of my twin girls, instead I asked 2 couples who are good friends but also share our faith. I didn't even consider that my friend would be upset or would have expected to be asked. I obviously invited her to the girls baptism. I heard on the grape vine that my friend was upset (after the baptism) and had noticed a gradual withdrawal of contact from her.. This was awful and I was gutted. I honestly didn't think she would need a special title to be a part of my daughters life's. I was wrong, and this made me very sad. So recently I took the bull by the horns and asked her about it. I explained why I had asked who I did and that I was sorry if I had been insensitive. I also explained that my main reasoning had been religious and the social side of things had never (maybe naively) entered my head. I am saddened that our friendship has massively changed and I have made a big effort to see more of her and involve her in our life's again but ultimately it will be down to her and if she can get over the perceived snub. I hope so and I hope the op can too, it sounds like your friendship was/is really important to you. Talk to her tricky chalice, and see if you can sort it out.

I agree with others who've said that you do need to talk to her. I find that taking the 'I saw this had happened and felt a bit hurt' approach is better than the 'I saw this had happened - what the hell?' approach in general!

If there's any trace of anger in your tone then she'll get defensive, whereas if you don't seem angry then she might feel less threatened and more willing to talk. If she's the ostrich type then you'll need to tread lightly to get a real answer out of her anyway....

Good luck. I'd feel hurt too BTW, but am a wuss would probably just retreat into a corner to brood over it rather than being brave and asking the question, however much more healthy that might be for our relatinoship.

Thinking in depth about this, so you would only go to the christening if you were godparent. You are not fussed about not being invited to the christening just hurt that you were not gp. Tbh thinking of it, is all a bit superficial, if you were such good friends I would be happy just to be at her dd special day than be gp. Just because you sAid it in the past does not mean its set in stone. The fact that I was not told of this special day and not invited would hurt me more, from a very close friend

Wow this is a very long post and I have not read all the replies so apologies if I say something that has already been said but OP are you christened yourself? The reason I ask is I wanted a very dear friend of mine to be DD godmother but she was not christened herself and our vicar was not prepared to allow her to be involved unless she got christened. It was very awkward and I still feel bad to this day that she was the only one of my close friends to not be a godparent to one of my children but it is a relgious service and although not all vicars are this strict some are even more so and insist that all GP' are confirmed. So maybe your friend could not have you because you were not christened or confirmed?

Personally I would let the land lie before talking to her.

I think sometimes when one party has been deliberalty evasive, and has done something hurtful, the other is wound up and very hurt and upset, i am not sure what good a phone call will do?

is she the kind of girl to say - gosh im so sorry ....etc?

she has not invited you inspite of your help....so it seems to me not - otherwise surely you wouldnt have not at least been invited if not GP.

She could have always given you a reading...

I personally at this moment really cant see any good coming of a call right now.

I would imagine fire works - phone slamming and then not talking at all till one backs down.

rooted, I have to say I don't blame your friend for being upset and withdrawing from you that way, although it's good that you are self-aware enough to realise the reason why. I would disagree it was a perceived snub though, it was a real snub! It does sound as though you're trying to shift the blame onto her a little.