Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:39

I don't think it's simplistic. I think it's possible that you're making a rash decision whilst your upset.

You have no idea what her reason for choosing her other friend is and you seem very certain that this friend hasn't been as good to her as you have. Maybe you have massively underestimated their friendship and have no clue how close they are seeing as she does live 4hours away?

If not making you a god parent means death to your relationship it doesn't say very much for it.

Deadsouls · 09/07/2012 23:40

chub is getting off on all the attention and reaction, aren't you..

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:41

I'm not goading her. I disagree with her and find her reasoning strange, and gave said why. I fail to see how that is goading, or needling. I've been called a twat, which is nice.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:42

Yeah. I'll leave her. After 6 years on mn this is actually my first aibu post, so have fun trying to unearth me in all my deviant, trolling glory chub. Not really my style.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:42

Really not. I'm not some weirdo bridge dweller.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:44

I said being a twat. Important distinction as I have illustrated. But do play wounded.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:44

Why on earth would I want to "unearth" you? I don't care what your usual posting name is. I don't know you. You're the one about to chuck away a 20 year old friendship on the basis of your interpretation of this situation. It doesn't matter a jot to me.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:45

Night all. And thanks v much for advice. I really do appreciate it.

OP posts:
CatholicDad · 09/07/2012 23:51

Who gave you the Bugaboo, Tricky? If you don't mind me asking? And did it affect your closeness?

Fecklessdizzy · 09/07/2012 23:54

This is precisely why none of my kids have Godparents ... Wink

IcantSleep · 10/07/2012 00:02

OP if that was my best friend, I would be upset too Sad and what would make it worse, is I just know that other friends would say things like "Wow, I thought YOU would have been gm Icantsleep"

Also, if I found out about the christening through seeing tagged pictures on Facebook, I would have to text/ring her and say "oh my god? You got DD/DS christened? You never mentioned it, I only spoke to you a few days before?!" like I would with any other event. Surely that's a natural reaction, and she MUST be expecting to hear from you?

inabeautifulplace · 10/07/2012 00:07

Agreed, had no idea it was that big a deal! I feel sorry for the OP because it obviously means a great deal to her.
However, she needs to take a step back and wait before reacting IMO. I agree it might be a good idea to get it all down on paper, then have an open and honest chat with your friend. Had you ever spoken about being a gm with her. Perhaps she doesn't place the same importance on the role as you seem to?

cerealqueen · 10/07/2012 00:17

I'd be really hurt too, and peeved that stuff had been received not in the same spirit as it was given, between two very good friends with a long history.
Do you think maybe she thought that she'd like a GP who lives closer, that maybe in her experience as your child's GP, she'd rather she lived closer to her GC?

I'm not sure what will be achieved by raising it. I would take a step back from the friendship, but not before I told her my buggy was broken and I needed my bugaboo back. Grin.

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 00:17

This is why I don't like to start threads on AIBU!

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 00:18

I would have to comment on one of the pictures.

parno · 10/07/2012 00:28

Sweet baby Jesus is this still going? Is there nowt on tele tonight?

PuggyMum · 10/07/2012 00:40

Have just read the while thread.

YANBU OP and I can't believe people would think otherwise.

I had loads of things to add that I now can't remember as I'm sleepy tired but you must call the friend and discuss this.

One posted rightly said she'll be expecting your call.... Personally whatever the reason, the fact she lied to you would make this very difficult for me to move on from. Don't be fobbed off by her saying sorry lots!!

I think you've had a hard time on here.

I would be gutted too x x

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:43

I like Imperialblether's idea of commenting on the photos.

Something like 'Oh wow you had little X christened? Hope you all had a simply marvellous day' Grin

surprisepotbelly · 10/07/2012 01:14

I was also very hurt when one of my two closest friends did not choose me to be a god-parent. This beside the fact that she had SIX godparents for her child. She did invite me to the christening. At the christening, her father, her sister andone of her friend all asked me if I was one of the God-parents (as in: 'Of course, you must be one of the God Parents?'). People just assumed it. It was embarrassing.

Some of the god-parents she chose were new friends she had made when she met her (not very nice and soon to be divorced from) husband. They were all old-money and Tatler-posh. I am neither. I felt humiliated, as if she did not think I was good enough for her daughter. The ceremony involved my friend, her daughter and husband and the six god parents all going away for half an hour and taking part in a private ceremony from which the rest of us were excluded.

Bizarrely, when I was pregnant with my first son a few years later, she asked if she was going to be a god-parent! I honestly did not know what to say. How could she ask if I could be a god-parent when she did not ask me to be a god-parent. I said nothing. I think in some really sad way this has all deeply affected our friendship and I have never felt quite the same way about it again. And I have never had the courage to talk about it. We are still friends, but this has hung over us and is corrosive. I wish we had talked about it. It is possible there is an explanation that I don't even know about. Incidentally, she has since fallen out with all of the god-parents.

I have also asked someone to be a god-parent who said yes, and then didn't ever get in contact with my son or even evince the slightest interest... she does not know his name, his date of birth, nothing. Five years ago I substituted her for another god-mother and did not even tell her as I didn't think she'd notice - and she hasn't! We are still friends, even though I was a bit hurt. I think I over-estimated her interest in our friendship, and I can't blame her for that. I just have to adjust my expectations.

I have also had to turn down a god-parenthood - as the person asking was a Christian, with a Pentecostal pastor, and I am an atheist.

surprisepotbelly · 10/07/2012 01:17

Typos:

"How could she ask if she could be..." NOT 'I could be..."

msrantsalot · 10/07/2012 01:33

@surprise, why would you want to be a god parent if you are an atheist?

BleepingSooty · 10/07/2012 05:22

I only got to page 12 but I can see the OP's point. The friend should have had the balls to tell her what was happening and must have known the OP would be upset so it is interesting that the friend made sure to get her hands on all the nice baby stuff BEFORE the christening and the potential shit hitting the fan. That's pretty cold of her!

If I were you OP, I would cancel the weekend citing some bug going around and then contact her later saying that you were upset and disappointed she didn't tell you about the christening. Be the better person and don't ask for the stuff back.

MamaMumra · 10/07/2012 05:41

I do see why you would be hurt by this OP. You have come across as very reasonable and maybe you should reevaluate this friendship, whether you decide to confront her or not.

Also, after some of the meaner posts I'm really glad that many people have seen your point of view and your RL friend has spoken up, I'd have hated for you to have been convinced that you were being unreasonable to have felt hurt by this friends behaviour.

I'd probably acknowledge the fb pictures in some way and if you feel uncomfortable - defer their trip until you work out how you want to deal with things.

sashh · 10/07/2012 05:55

And how religeous are you? How would you instruct the child in her faith? How would you be part of her daily life being hours away?

These are all good reasons for not choosing you, she should IMHO pick a godparent who is going to be part of the spiritual life of the child, not on the basis of her friendship.

Longdistance · 10/07/2012 06:23

I'm gonna think outside the box on this one.

Maybe ur bf got a little drunk one nite, and asked this other friend to be godmother, and couldn't get out of it. And made a complete hash of it all, and that's why she didn't invite you/ ask you to be gp as she was a bit embaressed.
YANBU, as I'd be hurt too. Not the giving of baby stuff, but to not even be asked to attend the baptism, seems a bit cruel to find out later on fb.

Can't believe the grilling you've got from some posters about this. Bit mush really!