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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 23:15

"Yes she does" so would you not by default be seeing lots of her DC while she's seeing her GC? or will seeing the child just not be special to you now?

FiftyShadesofViper · 09/07/2012 23:15

I had a situation where I felt let down by a friend and can really sympathise with how you feel OP

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all but I suspect that, no matter what your friend says, this friendship is severely damaged as you will find it difficult to trust her again. You have to decide if you want to work at putting the friendship right or distance her.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:16

I haven't been needling you. You feel needled because you don't like being disagreed with. I fail to see a difference between you are a twat and you are being a twat, tbh.

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 23:19

E.g. You can be a gardener or do some gardening

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:21

She will probably come less (now she has own dd) or without her dd (much later on of course), as all 3 kids gp do (their choice). However when she does come she takes her gs out on his own and spends far more time with him than other dc. Which is how most of my mates behave with their gc.

I have not been asked to assume that role for her dd and I think everyone would think it a bit weird if I did. Like I hadn't got the memo I wasn't made gp.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:22

So if your friend makes effort to travel 4 hours regularly to see your child as she is a GP and you love her like family, why wouldn't you continue to return making the effort because she hasn't made you GP? Why would you love her child any less if you consider it's mother family?

msrantsalot · 09/07/2012 23:22

She probably has a reason that isn't anything to do with snubbing you, so if you are good friends as you say, just call her, ask her how she's doing, how baby is, and once you've got a conversation ask her upfront why you didn't get Christening invite, see what she says before bringing up GP issue. I mean what does a godparent do anyway that a good friend wouldn't?

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:23

I would never dream of spending more time with my nephew who is my gs than with his sister who is not. That is mad.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:24

Exactly sundae. Commenting on behaviour not person. Unlike me being high maintenance etc etc. plenty have disagreed with me but jeeze, you're like a dog with a bone. You have picked me up on every point and obviously fail to see any redeeming features in me. Fine. Just please don't contradict people who actually know me in rl.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:25

Because they are blood relatives. Gp "family" is a social construct.

OP posts:
cornishsue · 09/07/2012 23:25

I am sorry you are so upset, OP. I hope your friendship can survive (if of course you both want it to).

Maybe I see things a bit differently - I have never been a bridesmaid or a godparent - but it has not altered my feelings towards my closest friends who have been the bride or parent when they asked others to fufill that role. It has certainly not altered my feelings towards any of the children. I love the children of my closest friends and enjoy spending time with them and spoiling them on occasion, and not being asked to be a godparent has nothing to do with it. That is probably the one thing I do not understand about your posts as I cannot see how your feelings towards the LO will now change. If you have been fond of/loved/been dismissive of the LO until how, I am unable to see why your feelings would change towards them, even if your friendship with their mother has altered.

I did not chose any of my closest friends to be godparents to my children. I did this deliberately. I have no extended family and it has always been a sadness for me that my children will not know aunts and uncles and cousins. However I also felt secure in the knowledge that my closest and oldest friends would continue to have a good relationship with my children and them not being asked to be a godparent would not alter that (I am now wondering if I am wrong, as you state it HAS altered your feelings towards the child). Because of my lack of family and trust in my oldest friends, I picked godparents for my children based on who was in a position to care for them should anything have had happened to my husband and I. I obviously asked them beforehand as, to me, this is an essential part of being a godparent. By asking other friends I have also created other special relationships between them and my children - no child can have too much love - which has hopefully benefited both sides. So my closest friends who have their hands full with their own children would have found it more difficult to care for my children on a practical/everyday basis should anything have happened to us. Whereas the people we did ask, were (at least at the time) in more of a position to be there practically. Several of my children's godparents were childless, a huge sadness for them, and I know have loved the opportunity to have a special relationship with a child that they otherwise may not have had. So I guess I am trying to say, although we do not know the reasoning of your friend and her husband when they asked someone else to be their child's godmother, maybe like me they had their own particular reasons. I guess we all have our reasons. You may not have agreed with me and I am not sure if I have explained correctly, and your friend may have her own reasons too (and her husband too of course).

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. But I believe good friends, lifelong friends are precious simply for who they are, not for what they do. Good luck and I hope in the coming days you are able to go forward from the hurt you now feel.

GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:26

Ahh okay.

I find it odd that people you know single one child out of a family out just because it's their "Gc".

I only spend alone time with my "GC" now she is 15... when she was a young child I wouldn't have taken her out and not her brothers

Deadsouls · 09/07/2012 23:26

trickychalice please ignore chub , whoever they are they are getting a kick out of you and others reacting. Its not worth getting upset over, just ignore them.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:27

I don't consider the mother family any more. If you make decisions like this, which is entirely your perogative, you can't expect things to stay the same. She knows this, hence sheepishness/ lying by omission etc. I will not ask about invitation as I understand why I wasn't invited as not gp.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 23:29

It sounds as though you have made your mind up about the future of the friendship, trickychalice?

50shadesofslapntickle · 09/07/2012 23:30

What a shitty, shitty 'friend' not to at least invite you to the christening! I would ask for the bugaboo back say you need to sell it as you need the cash. She is a cheeky cow and you sound lovely. I'm sorry you have been treated so badly x

GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:31

Well, in that case Trickychalice you have made your friendship conditional and it would seem she wasn't like your family at all. When you love a friend to that degree you don't write them off just because they don't honour your fantasy.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:32

Thanks deadsouls and cornishsue. I get your point cornish but I think your post highlights the "cultural" differences of gp duties/expectations. She comes from the same place as me with this. Having said which I chose kids gp for many different reasons - just not her. She was always the one iykwim. I thought it was the same for her...

OP posts:
Spatsky · 09/07/2012 23:33

If your friend is as close as you describe wouldn't it make sense to find out her reasons before taking such a decision?

What if this is a Casey type situation? Or would that still count as a snub in your eyes?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:34

I think that is being too simplistic glass. Even blood families can let us down and our feelings can change. Other than my dc I don't have unconditional love for anyone - not dh, not even db. If they let me down or disillusion me my feelings for them will change. This human nature.

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 09/07/2012 23:35

Well then if you've already decided your friendship is pretty much busted, you may as well ask for all the stuff back you loaned her and sell it / keep it in case you have any more DC. She'll probably know exactly why you suddenly want it back but you've not got anything to lose really.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:35

You felt the need to hide behind a name change for this thread, which is odd when you seem so sure you are in the right.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:36

I havent said I'll never speak to her again! But our friendship is damaged now.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 23:38

Oh for goodness sake Chub, you are like a dog with a bone, goading the OP and looking for more and more to pick on her about.

Why not just leave it now? You've made your point several hundred times

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:38

And nobody has ever done that before?! Yet again feeling a bit persecuted chub. I regularly post about my dc health and would rather not muddy the waters with my friendship angst. Is that ok with you?

OP posts: