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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 22:55

"I clearly won't get to know this one in the same way as I would if I were gp for a start"

Hmm well obviously you won't since you've DECIDED you're not going to now, that doesn't mean you wouldn't have if you didn't see the child differently because of not being it's GP

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:56

Maybe she wouldn't have wanted to go but it doesn't change the fact that the friend kept the christening a secret.

I would want to know what that was all about, if nothing else.

msrantsalot · 09/07/2012 22:57

did the dad have a say in GP

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 22:57

The OP is not high maintainence, she is Laid back.

TC, is there any chance the godmother can't have children? It's not a potential godparent trump card but it could be a reason and one your friend can't discuss with you because it's not her biz.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:58

I'd keep it from someone who wouldn't want to be there unless they had a starring role.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:58

She doesn't sound it sundae. Not by a long shot.

Spatsky · 09/07/2012 22:58

Again, massive assumption that not being chosen means the other friend means more to her than the OP. Other reasons (off top of head) could be:

other friend lives much nearer and will be in life on a more regular basis, friends partner is more inclined towards other friend (for whatever reason) and got casting vote, other friend is childless and this would mean EVEN more to other friend than OP (or the friend believes it will), other friend has for whatever reason guilt-tripped her into making that choice.....

There are undoubtedly loads of other possibilities. In my expernence most people don't just pick their best friend as godparent without thinking of any other factors. Perhaps my experience is odd though...

GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 22:59

trickychalice

I have a friend like yours, one I consider to be family...

If you consider your friend so close - like family, why would you think of her child as any less than family too just because you are not the GP?

It is understandable that you are hurt, not inviting you was either quite cowardly or just not as good a friend to you as you are to her.

My friend who I consider family, well I love her dearly and over the years I've bent over backwards loaning her and giving her money and holding her hair whilst she pukes, getting up at 3am because she has had a row with her boyfriend etc... but to me she hasn't always given back as much as she has taken. This isn't because she dislikes me any less, it's because she's a selfish tight wad who is totally unaware that she is. Sometimes we just have to learn to accept that our friends aren't as good to us as we are to them

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 23:00

Chubfuddler you really have got it in for the OP haven't you?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:02

Don't woory chub - you are totally in the minority here with your pretty scathing comments. Most people seem to get me - I dont expect everyone to.

cherie be realistic. They live 4 hours away. If it were my godchild I would make every effort to go and see her a lot as that would be the duty of trust I had taken on as gp. Even if our friendship recovers I will not be leaving my 3 dc and going down much.

The dad probably did have a say but I'm hurt on that front too as I thought we got on well. One small example - we have hosted them up here loads of times. They have never been down to see gp.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:03

No I really haven't.

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 23:03

Chub, we've worked out I know the OP. She is laid back. This incident is an exception because of the unusually close friendship.

CaseyShraeger · 09/07/2012 23:03

Did you mean it or was it a mistype earlier when you said that one of the things you like about her is that she doesn't do confrontation? Because it sounds as if potentially this whole thing is about her not liking confrontation - she didn't tell you about the christening and the other friend being gm because she doesn't like confrontation, and it's always possible that that's why the other friend wound up as gm in the first place, if she asked directly to be gm and your friend didn't think she could say no.

FWIW when we chose godparents for DC1 we knew that (barring unforeseen circumstances) there would be a DC2 in due course, and specifically held over some good candidates to be eventual godparents to DC2 in due course rather than having "top three friends for DC1, next best friends for DC2, DC3 can have what's left". If any of them had got in a huff about not being asked for DC1 I'd have (a) thought they needed to get over themselves and (b) been bloody glad I hadn't asked them.

Asking for the pram was very cheeky, though. If you're going to get upset with your friend I'd focus your upset on her being a bit grabby and entitled before her baby arrived, rather than on the largely illusory issues around the christening.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:03

chub you're being a twat. Nuff said. sundae knows me well in rl.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 23:04

If the friend gives the distance as an excuse then I think it's a very poor one. The friend didn't view a 4 hour drive as any distance at all as she expected the OP to do the drive with her young children in order to deliver the bugaboo...

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 23:06

"cherie be realistic. They live 4 hours away. If it were my godchild I would make every effort to go and see her a lot as that would be the duty of trust I had taken on as gp. Even if our friendship recovers I will not be leaving my 3 dc and going down much"

that's petty, I wouldn't choose to see any friend's child less than I would if I was named GP, either you love em or you don't! If the distance is prohibitive it would be no less prohibitive if you were a GP

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:08

But casey she has obviously made her decision. I can't change that. But I can reevaluate our friendship on the basis of that decision and subsequent behaviour. I'm just looking for the best way to handle it.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:09

that's petty, I wouldn't choose to see any friend's child less than I would if I was named GP, either you love em or you don't! If the distance is prohibitive it would be no less prohibitive if you were a GP

Agree 100% with this. As much as I understand how disappointed you must feel that your friend hasn't mirrored how you feel about her... it does very much sound like you are making your love for her and her child conditional.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 23:10

I could report that but won't bother. You're not as nice as you think you are.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:11

Well cherie my kids gp make much more effort to see them than other friends. They also spend more time with the gc than my other dc as that is their role - to give guidance and mentor ship - religious or however you have defined the terms of that role - to that particular dc.

OP posts:
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 23:12

Tricky -

I thought she was your child's GP so does she make more effort to see them or not?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:13

You have needled me for about 2 hours - it feels like a personal attack and Im afraid I am losing my tolerance. I said you are being a twat, not that you are one. Unlike you who has been consistently casting aspersions on my character. So much do that many other people have commented.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 23:13

Yes she does.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 23:14

if I heard that a friend felt that way about my DCs, and wouldn't bother with them as much if they weren't GP, I'ld scratch them off the potential GP list!

CaseyShraeger · 09/07/2012 23:15

But we chose Friend A and not Friend B to be a godparent to our DC1. Not because we liked Friend A more than Friend B, but because overall on a balance-of-personalities thing we thought A would work out better for DC1 and so we held over B for DC2 (to whom he did, indeed, become godfather a couple of years later). If B had flounced around "reevaluating our friendship" on the basis that we had "obviously made our decision" then he'd have plummeted in my estimation.

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