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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:36

spatsky I have had many, many very good friends in my life. Many have let me down, I have doubtless let them down. Have you never had that friend? The one who you thought was incapable of hurting you? Whose whole family were like your own and whom you took it for granted that you would never let the other one down? Who you nursed through broken hearts, bereavements, eating disorders and pregnancy scares. Who you discussed your future children's names with? Who you travelled for a year with?

I cannot emphasise enough that I believed this friend to be that. Only her. I would think it utterly high maintenance to expect be anyone else's kids gp. I have been a better friend to her than her choice. I have seen her more regularly, kept in touch with her more. I even shared a bed with her on her hen do while she was puking all night.

OP posts:
msrantsalot · 09/07/2012 22:38

I have skipped a few pages, but how do you know GP was her choice and not his? Also you say you live 4 hours away, could that be a factor?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:40

But hex when she asked (in tears, standing in babiesRus worrying they couldn't afford a buggy - very nicely I may add) I thought "well of course df must have it - I barely need it any more, and anyway her baby will be practically family". And now I don't feel she is.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:40

I can understand though, Spatsky, how if the OP and her friend have been best friends for many years, that it is upsetting for her to have this new dynamic. It does sound to me as though it is a little one sided; OP driving across the country to deliver the bugaboo (which her own son could still make use of) at her friend's request. OP putting a lot of effort and emotion into the friendship and then the friend making a mockery of the friendship by not even telling the OP about the christening.

Spatsky · 09/07/2012 22:40

tricky, I don't want to hurt your feelings, I'm just being honest about how I see it. I am assuming that by posting in AIBU you want honesty from people so there you have it.

I still think best course of action is ask her why she lied and take it from there. Who knows what's going on without the answer to why she lied.

Good luck.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:42

Yeah but I don't see how that is high maintenance? I don't think anyone who knows me would call me hm. sundae?

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:42

But why does not being this child's godmother change your feelings towards her? That's the really odd part. I don't expect you to answer me, but perhaps you should think about that.

exoticfruits · 09/07/2012 22:43

Maybe it is the religious part. We couldn't have the people that we would really liked to have a Godparents because we knew they couldn't make the responses and didn't want to put them on the spot. Are you a regular church goer?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:44

Because it is a statement on her feelings for me. Ergo I am disappointed/ humiliated and don't feel the same about her anymore. The friendship is tainted.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:45

I am probably more religious than chosen gp.

OP posts:
Spatsky · 09/07/2012 22:46

You are assuming it is a statement of her feeling about you!

You haven't asked her about it so you have no idea why you were not chosen.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:46

I didn't mean your friend, I meant your feelings towards the child. You said when you thought you would be her gm she was practically family, now she isn't to you. I love the children I love regardless if their status on relation to me.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:46

Godparent issue aside though, I feel that fundamentally the problem is the OP's friend omitting to tell her about the christening, despite speaking to her on the phone on the weekend of the christening

That's pretty odd, childish behaviour. Surely she knew OP would find out some time?

wildfig · 09/07/2012 22:47

Who are the other godparents? Maybe she wanted to ask the friend without children (don't assume that just because someone is married that babies automatically follow, btw!) to have a official role in her child's life, if everyone else in your circle is already a parent? Maybe she feels your friendship is strong enough without this?

Spatsky · 09/07/2012 22:48

On that we can agree Hex. I would be asking about that if I were OP.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:49

She is an adorable child. But I love my niece more than a friend's daughter. This baby does not feel like family. She would have, but that privilege belongs to her godmother now.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:49

I would ask it too, but be prepared for the response to be "because I knew you'd be like this".

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:51

I would too, Spatsky.

I wouldn't want to feel in limbo about a friendship, I'd rather have it out with them and at least know where I stood, so that I could make my decision about the friendship.

mirry2 · 09/07/2012 22:51

OP yanbu. I understand your hurt.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:52

Because chub obviously by conferring the status of gp on someone you are inviting them to be part of your family of sorts. To mr that is the point. I don't love all the many children I meet - I clearly won't get to know this one in the same way as I would if I were gp for a start.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:52

But she would have felt like family if you'd spent ten minutes standing by a font? I have three nieces/nephews on the other side of the world I've never met. Honestly I love them as much as the ones a mile down the road. I don't understand how love can be measured out in that way.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:53

I would ask it too, but be prepared for the response to be "because I knew you'd be like this"

Like what though, Chubfuddler? Upset at being excluded? Upset at effectively being lied to? Upset at the realisation that the friend means more to the OP than she does to the friend?

I don't think the OP is being OTT in her reaction or feelings. It would be a cop-out and deflecting the blame for her friend to react as you have suggested.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 22:54

Thanks hex.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 22:54

Look, the op has said she wouldn't even have wanted to go to the christening if she wasn't a godparent. It's all a bit me me me. And I'm going to get told off by the op again for that.

Pastabee · 09/07/2012 22:55

DH's good friend had his DD christened without inviting us or any of our friends. He was the best man at our wedding and we flew half way across the world to be witnesses at his.

We wouldn't have expected to be GPs but we were hurt not to be invited to celebrate with them so I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt.

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