godparent snub

[trickychalice]

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

Haven't read whole thread, just to page 5 so sorry if repeating. Here's my story. We were best couple friends with another couple, friendship primarily between DH and other man. When our DD1 was born they were fantastic, lots of interest, lovely presents and practical support. We made them GPs along with family members. They then had a child 3 years later and we weren't asked, didn't know about the christening, similar awkwardness that you describe. They asked family members and a mutual male friend, who was better friends with my DH than new father to be GPs. Again there were overtones of whose better friends and other empire building activities. It was awful. We didn't phone them, they didn't phone us.

They were invited to DD1s birthday parties and we met for a stilted Christmas drink to exchange presents ever year, this was our only contact. This continued for a further 3 years until they had their second child. They asked us, with tears in all our eyes, to be GPs and we all spoke briefly of what had occurred. We agreed it should never of happened. Our friendship is now back: we've all grown-up and moved on, but it was painful. In fact they rang tonight when we were out.

So what do you do? Looking back I wish that I had not taken it as a snub, that I could just have taken joy in their joy, and kept my social hurt in perspective. Go out of the way to endorse their happiness. When the time is right you can discuss it with her, and in the meantime don't waste time and energy on ifs and buts. You will be GP to any subsequent children they have, she is still your friend and there is a lovely new life there to get to know. Please learn from my mistake.

x-post

okay so maybe there weren't tonnes of friends to justify it to, still it was a distinct style of group..

perhaps she is self conscious of relying on you so much and wants to pull away a little now that she has a little body that's relying on HER?

sundae can you have another baby and then I'll get all the stuff back for it? Really too weird that we are on here. Hope I haven't embarrassed myself. Dh has already pointed out mis-spelling of their in the op.

yourefired that is interesting and you are right - I am almost certain I'd be asked for another dc. But I'm just not sure how I'd feel about that - about her...

I would be hurt also. You need to talk honestly to her. If she is such a good friend she'll be able to listen to you. Tell her how you feel and why you weren't invited to the christening, or made godmother. Maybe she felt under pressure to choose this other 'friend' over you, or was obligated in some way, If you don't speak to her about this you'll never know. I wouldn't send and email, why not just talk to her, you're supposed to be best friends!

for what is worth...I don't think you are at all being unreasonable to feel hurt.

Unexplained snubs are hurtful and would leave me going round and round in circles as to why its happened.

I am afraid you either confront and brace yourself for whatever truth is there...or don't and be prepared to forget and bury.

Lots of really unempathetic posts on this thread.

Because she can't handle these discussions in a sensible way. She'll just say sorry x 1 million and look pained and we won't get anywhere sensible. Guess she's not sounding like such a great friend. Maybe we are bf out of habit - that's not my style at all - I'm much more of an over think it girl .

Choosing GPs is very personal to the couple involved, they may have reasons for wanting others over you. They may think you will be there for their children without the need of a 'title'

As for not being invited again this is personal to the couple. My DS was christened recently all we invited were very close family, i.e. our siblings, parents and grandparents, plus 3 GP and their partners. We didn't want a big party it was about our son entering the church. On the flip side my SIL is having a christening later in the year and there will be upwards of 70 people invited. So in short I think you need to find out if it was a party or an intimate affair before getting upset and risking a friendship.

As for giving baby items because you were expecting to be a GP, REALLY??? If that is the case then I have upset a hell of a lot of people!

But Ugly, if it's an intimate affair, shouldn't she have expected to be invited, if they are best friends?

ugly giving things explained many times in thread.

I do understand I was very hurt, angry and indignant. Not to mention slightly socially embarrassed at how others would read this. But, what's done is done. You can react as I did and feel like shit, or act as I wish I had and not loose a friend. All friends mess up from time to time, being a good friend means getting past this. I do know how hard this is, but do it anyway, you're alternative is...

I havent read all the posts so sorry if I have missed something

I dont think yabu for being so upset and hurt, as other have said the couple do have the right to choose who they want to be gp, but to not invite you to the christening is downright odd imo, is the friend who became gp nearer geographically and maybe more involved with friend now?

Some posters are saying maybe she doesnt think of you as a friend in the same way as you do her, but why would she ring op up and ask to borrow the pram just before baby is born knowing that op child is still using it? Imo you would only ask something like this of a good friend, because its a big ask, also she must have known that your baby things hold a huge sentimental value to you its nothing to do with monetary value so her actions in not including you in her dd christening celebration do seem very callous

Im not sure what I would do, I think I would email but dont send it for a few days keep going back to there is no rush to send it

If I didn't think someone was good enough for an invite to my party I certainly wouldnt call them up asking for a 500 pound pram and crib and various baby stuff and them expect them to drive it round ...

And 9 times out of 10 I would totally agree about choosing gp. But I still feel hurt by her choice and at the very least would've appreciated a heads up - not lying by omission about the christening and then that burning cheek feeling when you unsuspectingly click on a fb photo. Its weirdly and irrationally akin to shame.

You come across as quite high maintenance. This may be a factor in why you were not chosen.

She was unreasonable to lie about having the christening. I don't think the friendship is as strong as you thought it was if you can't be honest with each other so just ask her straight out why she lied about it and take it from there.

Don't give her grief about not inviting you or making you godparent as she has done nothing wrong there, just the lying.

Don't think the pram or her being GP to your kids has anything to do with it so leave that well out of it.

How is the OP coming across as high maintenance, Spatsky? It's not high maintenance to be upset about her best friend excluding her

Yanbu to feel hurt, shocked and disorientated at not being invited. I'm sorry op.

I posted a couple of months ago after a friend snubbed me (sounds like im 12, i know) and I learned about it on fb.

The best advice I got was from a pm. It laid out the excellent reasons for phoning rather than emailing and suggested I built up the courage to consider if I asked 'why the snub?' what my friend's most likely answer would be, as well as the best and worst case scenarios. So I planned out and wrote down what I might say and what she might say and how I might react in each scenario. I also wrote a list of pros and cons of asking the question. Then I decided to ring her. It took me four days to build up to the call, I felt scared ringing and yes I cried on the phone. But the relief I felt (and tbh the conversation didn't go brilliantly) was huge. Because without making that call and asking with as much dignity as I could muster, I would've spent months and years either resenting the friend or thinking there was something wrong with me. I think you have to ask why you weren't invited (perhaps say you might've even expected to be a gm, although I'd leave the pushchair out of it for now). If you do then good luck.

Tricky
I hate to get all lawyery about this but I'm afraid you have contradicted yourself four or five times about this pram business and it's making it very hard to accept the account you are giving.

You say she asked for the pram but in the OP you said you saved the pram for her. Then you said she asked if you could lend her a pram whilst elsewhere saying it was a gift.

Finally (though I could go on) you said she asked for a pram "just before the baby was born" - but why would she have done this if you had given her a Bugaboo when "she was a way off giving birth"?

I'm not trying to be mean but I just can't follow your story here...

But her best friend hasn't excluded her. Only family and GP went to the christening and she is neither so wasn't invited along with undoubtedly many, many other friends. If she thinks she's been excluded because she wasn't a Godparent then she is DEF high maintenance. I can understand upset about being lied to but that doesn't appear to be OPs main gripe, the lack of being GP seems to be (I have skipped a bunch of pages though so her tune may have changed)

It's the expectations that make her high maintenance. Expectation that she be a Godparent, no desire to do nice things for her just because she loves her and wants to help her because if that was her only motive why is she now moaning about the friend having the Bugaboo. The help is conditional upon the friendship living up to her expectations. That's high maintenance in my opinion, but I am quite a chilled friend.

i don't think she had unrealistic expectations though. I think that friendships need to be two-way, and it sounds as though the OP is putting in all the effort whilst her friend takes her for granted.

catholic I can't remember exact chronology. I went down to her 2 months before her baby was born. I had vaguely planned on giving her bugaboo when my baby properly finished with it but she pre-empted me by calling and asking for it (I hadn't told her at that point I had a buggy for her). It was lent but never discussed whether loan/gift so I gave it on understanding it may get trashed. Does that make sense?

There ARE people you can expect to GP to, tho. DH's cousin could reasonably expect to be made DS1's godfather and he was. It would have been weird if he hadn't for several reasons personal and particular to them growing up.

She asked for it before you'd even offered it? What a cheeky cow! And it confirms my feeling that she is just out for what she can get and is a bit of a user

My husband was thrilled when one of his closest friends had a baby. He (secretly) hoped to be a godparent and was crushed and, frankly, enbarrassed when he found out that the christening had taken place a few weeks before and another mutual friend was godfather. He braved it out and is godparent to their second child. Don't write off your friendship, choosing godparents is a complex thing.

I am surprised by the vitriol on this thread. Of course you're hurt. Someone dear to you has lied. The reason that she lied about the christening was that she wasn't brave enough to tell you that you weren't a god mother. There is a reason that you're not and you can't second guess that without a discussion, perhaps not even then. I am a head in the sand coward and can imagine getting in a mess like she's in. She must be dreading the denouement too. If I were you I would broach it before she comes to visit, by email. You don't need to say much, she knows she lied. 'I saw the christening photos. Why did you pretend it wasn't happening?'. Chin up.

Hex, agree about friendships being two way, but I don't think that includes "I make you Godparent so you must do the same".

I may be mis-remembering but I thought OP said near the first page that the friendship is generally happilly 2-way. I'm sure she will correct me if I am wrong.

Oh yes, just remembered something else that made me think the high maintenance thing, the empire building comments about the friend. It seems such a strange thing to say and way to describe friendships. It made me think that is how OP sees friendships. I may be wrong on that of course, it was just a feeling contributing to my general picture of things.