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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:13

btw, we stayed with her parents, not her when we went down with the stuff.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 21:14

Considering my daughters christening was yesterday I'm scared I know the op. but I gave never borrowed a pram from anyone. So unless she's fudged some details for anonymity, I'm safe.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:14

oh god. ll31 I was given the bugaboo as a gift. I do not have lots of posessions, or indeed lots of money. Just a bit more than her. I do not rub her nose in that. I was trying to be kind. Seriously.

OP posts:
ll31 · 09/07/2012 21:16

Sorry my mis reading then-another reason why is should talk not text with her!

Vickles · 09/07/2012 21:16

Why are some of you making such nasty, personal comments about the OP?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:16

Nope sundae but you might know me!

Hex she would say she was horribly sorry, not give me any explination and I would leave feeling a bit empty and none the wiser. She is a head in the sand girl...

OP posts:
ll31 · 09/07/2012 21:17

U should talk I mean. .

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:18

Then in that case I would just pull back from the friendship, let it drift, let her work out why you no longer wish to be close to her.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:19

Thanks vickles, but I did post in AIBU, so kinda expected it.

I wish you could meet me and this wouldn't all be so lost in translation - I am not attacking her, I am hurt. Perhaps self-indulgently, perhaps lady-bountifully, but I am sad. Not seething with anger with her, just sad and re-evaluating our friendship.

This has been great therapy though and has taken up my whole evening. I feel much better despite some personal comments!

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 09/07/2012 21:19

Just give her a ring and ask her why you weren't invited. Be up front and say you were hurt. Then let this friendship go. Not inviting you to Christening is an extraordinary snub. Grow a pair, this so called friend is walking all over you.

pigletmania · 09/07/2012 21:19

I would not let it go, if you are not able to talk to her about your feelings she dies no soy d like much of a friend. You might regret not saying something to her

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:21

And sundae I agree - oh how I laughed (not really) at the implosion of frienships caused by that one, and the judgements, and the cynicism of the choices - unbelievable. Very, very revealing...

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:22

But bamboo isn't the nobler thing to rise above it? I hate making myself vulnerable and I don't want to cry in front of her. Because basically is it not like saying "bf, why don't you like me as much as her/I like you?"

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 21:24

By Jove, I think I do know you!

In fact, we are rl actual mates, aren't we?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:28

Yup. Had a namechange? Me too! Perhaps you can give me some rl counselling. I thought you might be on active threads, and this has been way active!

OP posts:
wizzler · 09/07/2012 21:28

YANBU to feel sad that you were not invited to the christening, but if you live 4 hours away you have no way of knowing how her relationship with the person she did choose to be GP has developed..

I think you need to re evaluate your friendship ( why didn't she mention the christening?), or talk to her frankly, while accepting that the conversation may not turn out the way you planned.

I don't think you deserve all the stick you have got on here, you sound like a good friend to me

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:30

But I do know about her relationship with GP, because that is how close we are (were). I am definitely re-evaluating friendship. I have plenty more who I love. Just thought she was the best and oldest.

OP posts:
bamboostalks · 09/07/2012 21:31

Rise above, way above and let her go. She does not rate you or even respect you. She sounds a bit of a user actually.

FarrowAndBollock · 09/07/2012 21:31

Have read thread now. Not sure this is a thread for AIBU as this section always attracts bitchy comments.

It sounds like your friend may see you as 'good old trickychalice, always there in times of need to cry on' while she goes off and has fun with flaky friend, just dumping the rubbish bits on you when it suits.

Maybe it is time to adjust that a bit and withdraw. Don't be quite as there next time. Next time she is upset, answer the phone, tell her you are sorry to hear about xyz but that you'll call her back in 5 minutes as you just have to answer the door/pick up a child, then leave it a couple of days. You don't have to cut her off completely. She can't see you as the brilliant friend you thought you were - so don't act like the brilliant friend you thought you were!

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 21:32

" Because basically is it not like saying "bf, why don't you like me as much as her/I like you?""

it is

also challenging the invite could sound like commenting on the fact that she didn't have a big expensive everybodies welcome party - not that you'ld mean it that way, but it could make someone defensive about having not had a proper expensive knees up IYKWIM

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 21:33

" Just thought she was the best and oldest."

did you maybe fall into the oldest friend = best friend trap?
y'see that happen a lot on the wedding threads, often ends in tears!

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:36

I see your point cherie but I promise there is not as much inequity of cash as you perceive. We are far from rich and she has obviously been to ds1 small, religious christening. So I kind of agree - definitely not going to challenge her on lack of invitation, as it would've been weird to invite me in no capacity. Not weird to have mentioned it on the phone though, or to have gently taken me aside and explained that I wasn't going to be GP. Although I take the point that I don't know how I would have reacted to that (in private).

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:37

Yes, but other than this other friend she really does not have many close gfs. We are about it, other than a big extended family of women. And I really thought I was a better friend - she certainly relies on me more.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 21:41

I didn't really mean it just from a comparative wealth POV, just in that it would be a bit like insulting her choice, Like if a couple eloped then you challenge them on why you weren't a wedding guest? its kinda insulting their choice of day

as opposed to if they had a massive wedding and you were the ONLY one not there, that's different, but in this case you wouldn't just be challenging your own lack of invite, you'ld be challenging the whole decision to have a "just family + GP" day. See if they had a "family + GP + BF" day then the cut off would lie with someone else and its easier to say "we didn't have ANY friends there" then to select a few and then justify to the others why they weren't all there?

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 21:41

OK I can vouch for TC's reasonableness. And for the fact that friend would have received lots of nice things not that that's relevant.