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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:04

I agree with CaptainVonTrapp; I think it's important that you have an open and honest talk with your friend to find out where you take the friendship from here. If you can talk things through then the friendship may be salvageable.

I would talk to her, and say that you are disappointed about not being told about the christening and see what happens from there. Then make your decision about whether or not you wish to continue being friends with her.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 21:04

Quint has landed. I love quint.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:04

Chub, you are coming across as a bit spiteful I'm afraid. You're definitely gunning for the OP anyway...

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:05

Quint I suggest you read the whole thread. She asked me to come down, when I suggested I didn't. I had a new baby, she was a way off giving birth. I don't want anyting back. I didn't realise it was tit for tat until I had a pretty visceral feeling when I was lied to about the christening and not being chosen to be gp. The items were not used and she asked for the bugaboo, I didn't offer it.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:06

To add, OP, if she is a true friend she will realise she acted badly, regret her actions, and will try her utmost to make amends.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 21:06

being "further down the list" doesn't change your individual friendship

Recently I realised that I don't actually like a close friend, she's not very nice, right so.. say she was.. my third best friend (I do NOT rank my friends, this is just a for example), now I'ld put her right down as an aquaintance. That doesn't mean my friendship with my forth best friend is suddenly promoted just because she's now my 3rd best friend, it doesn't escalate because it has jumped up the list, it is the same as ever before! The friendship hasn't changed

Likewise if I had a new no1, my friendships with 2-was-1 and 3-was-2 and 4-was-3 don't suddenly become less important to me, I don't like them less, they don't automatically change

OP, do you want to be friends with this woman?
you can be just as close to her as ever even if she has a new best friend (that it making a BIG assumption that that was how the GP role was chosen )

UserNameNotAvailable · 09/07/2012 21:06

YANBU

I agree with Breezeinthetrees regarding the baby items. I think that the op hoped rather than assumed she would be gp.

I also think that being a gp isn't just about being religious but how committed to the child you would be if the worst happened.

I'm sure a lot of the posters who are saying you are being unreasonable have been pissed off and hurt by family or friends at one time or another even for something very very minor but for some reason have forgotten Hmm

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:06

Sorry, they were used, but not finished with. I just felt her need was greater than mine - and not because I am lady bountiful, but because I have a baby that prefers a sling and I remember being PFB about having the right kit while ds3 lives in 3rd hand stuff.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 21:07

Really not. The op has a breath taking lack of self awareness, that's all.

DestinationUnknown · 09/07/2012 21:07

OP I don't think you're being U about the expectation of being a GP, nor about the fact you weren't "let down" gently about it or included.

Out of interest, you say you were her matron of honour, was she yours? You never know if something like this goes back further than you thought. But perhaps she was and I'm barking up the wrong tree.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:07

See, the fact she asked for the bugaboo, then she asked a friend to be Godparent that she wanted to impress, makes me think she is a bit of a social climber who will walk over people to get what she wants.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/07/2012 21:08

I know, I am a master of derailing even the most sensible thread.

Oh well then.

FarrowAndBollock · 09/07/2012 21:08

I haven't read the thread, but this seems a very one-sided friendship. That's fine - we all make mistakes in thinking we are more important to people than we really are, but I would adjust her position in your friendship ranking.

If your baby clothes are that sentimental to you, I would be tempted to dream up another friend who is in dire straights and desperately needs the things that you 'lent' her. I wouldn't let her keep them - I hated handing on our baby clothes and would have hated to do so to someone who obviously didn't hold me in as high regard as I did them.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:09

cherie thanks for going off the offensive for a minute. You raise good points. I don't know to be honest - like someone up-thread said, perhaps I was hanging on to a friendship that was an illusion because I liked the idea of being BFF in a slightly childish way, when in fact really I feel a bit taken for granted.

I always saw her as a bit crap and passive but lovely, life-enhancing and fun too. Now I see her as a bit more calculating and I'm not sure I like that.

OP posts:
birdofthenorth · 09/07/2012 21:10

I would have been very hurt OP, and yes about the stuff as well as the snub. It's not conditionality but attachment.

I am a practicing Christian though and did choose DD's Godparents from my believing friends at the expense of arguably closer in some cases atheist friends -because I want DD to have Christian guardians & because it would put non-believing friends in an odd position to ask them to stand up & renounce the devil!

Granted this does not seem to be your friend's reasoning. She owes you an explanation. Don't tell her your friendship may never recover. It will, I hope (I have got over BF not having bridesmaids- just!). But that would be harder if you've effectively broken up with her!

QuintessentialShadows · 09/07/2012 21:10

I really did not realize that asking for the bugaboo was secret code for "be my godparent".

I must have done some horrible faux pas years ago when I asked my friend if I could borrow her Mamas & papas for a couple of months, and I did NOT even think to ask her to be a Godparent. Bad me. Mea Culpa.

That must be why her husband, a manager at Mac D, turned his back on me when I was 50p short for a happy meal for my son, in his restaurant.

Karma. Bugger.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:10

I don't think you are the ultimate arbitor of whether I have a 'breath taking lack of self-awareness' chub. In fact, most people are rather more empathetic about my situation than you, and can see it for what it is. I think you have totally missed the point. Oh well...

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:11

Grin quint. I like your style.

OP posts:
TheLightPassenger · 09/07/2012 21:11

good post from journey. I think it was an unfortunate assumption that giving her your nice baby stuff would mean you would be GP, but I do feel sympathetic to your hurt over not being invited to and lied to about the christening, can understand why you would be gutted about that.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 21:11

But please do read the thread - there is much more to it than that.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 21:12

What do you think the future holds for your friendship, trickychalice?

For example, if you were to phone her and say how you feel and she was very sorry and said she regretted her behaviour? If if you speak to her and she has the opposite reaction to the one you would hope she would have, and instead gets arsey and says things you'd rather not hear?

I think trying to get some clarity in how you would feel in certain scenarios with her would help you to decide what you want to do with the friendship long term

QuintessentialShadows · 09/07/2012 21:12

I will read.

Then I wont return until I have read. (the small print too, and between the lines)

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 21:12

No, I don't claim to be an arbiter of anything. It's my opinion. You don't have to like it and you're free to ignore me if you wish.

SundaeGirl · 09/07/2012 21:12
ll31 · 09/07/2012 21:13

Thought your op was littered with what you had and how much your possessions were worth....I wouldn't want you as important person in my childs life tbh. ..maybe it's just how you come across in print. Maybe ur friend has diff priorities to you now

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