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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should apologise to his mother?

119 replies

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:47

We've not been married long. We married abroad with two witnesses from the hotel. Dh's mum lives about 300 miles away (mine are nearer) and she organised a dinner party to toast the wedding. About two weeks ago, his mum told him that we were having a party not a dinner party. Dh is-just to give a balanced story, not the best person in a party and she knows this, she also knows that he hates last minute changes- did not like this. I thought it would blow over, but it didn't and though I pleaded with him and told him we had to go, he just wouldn't budge. Stubborn as he is.
I feel terrible about this. I'm in the process of writing an apology to the woman just to say how sorry I am that things didn't work out. According to my sil, she is in bits. Dh won't budge. I'm fecking ashamed of him to be honest! aibu?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 06/07/2012 15:51

YANBU

He should grow up and thank his mum, or apologise if he can't do that.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:52

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that we did not go in the end. All his family would have been there.

OP posts:

Portlyposh · 06/07/2012 15:53

Why won't he budge? He sounds very cruel.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 15:54

YANBU - Your DH is an ungrateful arse...well, about this anyway!

eurochick · 06/07/2012 15:54

Oh that is awful. His poor mum. Yes, he absolutely should apologise.

queenofthepirates · 06/07/2012 15:55

I would suggest maintaining your relationship with her, it will be so important over the years but leave your DH to do his thing with his mum. You can't make him, she should know better by now but it would appear she was trying to do a nice thing. You're not responsible for their relationship, only your own with her.

Best of luck.

NervousAt20 · 06/07/2012 15:56

YANBU! He needs to grow up by the sound of it, if his DM and family wasn't at your wedding then it's nice they wanted to throw a party and celebrate with you both and the least he could have done was gone!

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:56

I'm not taking the blame for his behaviour, but I'm writing to say how sorry I am that things went wrong, because I am.

She must have been mortified. Sitting there and the two guests don't show up.

OP posts:

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 06/07/2012 15:58

I think he should apologise, but I can see where he's coming from a bit

I would hate a party sprung on me like that, and maybe he was hurt that his mum wasn't taking his wishes into account?

But it does sound like her heart was in the right place, such a shame it's turned out like this

Has he spoken to her at all about it?

FamiliesShareGerms · 06/07/2012 15:58

Second queen's thoughts. My DH is not close to his mum. I tell him once when I think he is out of line, then leave it to him to do what he thinks best. Meddle in others' relationships with their mothers at your peril....

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 06/07/2012 15:58

What an awful way for him to treat his DMum! Of course he should apologise!

Presumably she also had to call all the family to cancel it, which would have been incredibly embarassing for her too - he has some serious making up to do!

cocolepew · 06/07/2012 15:58

Why didnt you go alone?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 06/07/2012 15:59

I'm sorry to put it bluntly but your dh is a rude ungrateful twat. His mother went to all the trouble of organising a party, guests turned up but he refused to go? How old is he Ffs, 6 or something?

BackforGood · 06/07/2012 15:59

How sad for his Mum. Presumably she must be aware of his special needs though, if she's his Mum ? It's very nice of you to write the letter.

ENormaSnob · 06/07/2012 15:59

Yanbu

But, I think it's unfair to arrange a party for someones wedding who clearly hates parties.

Why did she change it from dinner party to party party?

GrahamTribe · 06/07/2012 16:00

YABU. He had every reason not to attend an event when it was known that he wouldn't want to and which he wasn't even asked about in advance. It was presumptuous and even a little selfish of his mother to arrange it without his agreement. What kind of person arranges a surprise they know you'll hate?

I don't like parties either. There's no way I'd have attended and no way I'd apologise either. Bloody good for him for not apologising, he is not the one who's caused offence.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 06/07/2012 16:01

Sorry, but he's a bit of cunt to do that to his mother. Who can't put themselves out for a few hours?

Unless he had some psychological illness or phobia he should have made an effort.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/07/2012 16:04

No matter what your DH feels about his mum, she threw that party for you too. You're a person in your own right as well as his wife, so IMO you should tell him you are going to apologize on your own behalf, because you feel bad about not going. It sounds as if you quite wanted to make a friendly impression on your MIL, and I think it is actually a bit rude of him to deny you that chance.

It sounds pretty childish, to an outsider, than he's so upset at her throwing a party, but I can understand it could be seen as a manipulative thing if she knows he would hate it. But you don't have to enter into that quarrel, that's between him and his mum.

AltruisticEnigma · 06/07/2012 16:20

Bit inconsiderate, really.

I would say he should apologise. Say he doesn't like parties and that's why he didn't turn up. That he wasn't trying to be rude and shouldn't told her calmly and politely, but he hadn't and that he hopes it doesn't get in the way of their relationship.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/07/2012 16:25

Even if his mum was a bit misguided I don't think what he did was OK. You will have to leave him to sort it out with his mum but I see no reason why you can't apologise for your own absence.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 16:28

What has your dh got to apologise for?

Not going to a party?

The party wasn't going to be about him and his new wife, if it was then he would have been involved in the planning, or at least know what the plan was! He agreed to a dinner party, when it changed o a party party, he decided he didn't want to go, which is fair enough.

His Mum shouldn't have arranged a party. She is the one in the wrong for doing something for her sons wedding that she knew he didn't want, and then expecting him to suck it up and do what she says just to keep p appearances. It seems quite obvious that if you go 300miles away to get married and don't invite anyone, then you really don't want a party!

Seriously, ou are much better off having a dh that will stand up to is Mum rather than do anything to please her.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 16:31

I wasn't going to go by myself-I'd have felt a complete prat and, to be honest, I think it would be worse for her if I had done so.
Anyway, I've got a nice letter ready to go: saying that I am sorry for how things have turned out while avoiding blaming anybody.

I'm going to leave it up to them to sort it out. She can be an idiot, too, but I think this is about the worse thing he has done to her.

OP posts:

Angelico · 06/07/2012 16:31

He sounds horrible unless he has some kind of 'condition' that makes accepting change difficult for him. How much warning did she give him?

You sound lovely OP - I hope you don't end up spending your life smoothing things over every time he decides to be a nobber. Hoping for your sake this was a one-off...

Ephiny · 06/07/2012 16:33

It was not OK of him to let her organise it and then just not turn up, that's obviously rude. Though maybe also his mum was being overbearing and trying to pressure/trick him into having a party knowing he didn't want it.

But I would stay out of it if I were you. It's between him and his mum, and I would guess there's some history here. My DH is very stubborn with his mum and doesn't give into manipulation (though he would not have done this) because if he wasn't like that then she'd rule his entire life and be unbearable.

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2012 16:33

Why does your DH hate parties abduction what was his reason on the night for not going? Did he tell his mother he wasn't going or did he just not show up?

Well no need to worry about this happening again, I shouldn't think you'll get another invite.

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