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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should apologise to his mother?

119 replies

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:47

We've not been married long. We married abroad with two witnesses from the hotel. Dh's mum lives about 300 miles away (mine are nearer) and she organised a dinner party to toast the wedding. About two weeks ago, his mum told him that we were having a party not a dinner party. Dh is-just to give a balanced story, not the best person in a party and she knows this, she also knows that he hates last minute changes- did not like this. I thought it would blow over, but it didn't and though I pleaded with him and told him we had to go, he just wouldn't budge. Stubborn as he is.
I feel terrible about this. I'm in the process of writing an apology to the woman just to say how sorry I am that things didn't work out. According to my sil, she is in bits. Dh won't budge. I'm fecking ashamed of him to be honest! aibu?

OP posts:

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:20

You and your dh were incredibly harsh and cruel not to tell her you werent going to turn up....seriously, how on earth did you feel that day/evening knowing all the family were there waiting for you?

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 17:21

JustFab - That is not fair. For me I have serious anxieties and would 1. be terrified of a wedding and 2. Be terrified of a party.

We don't know this isn't the case for OP's H but not telling her he isn't turning up is what is shocking

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:21

Agree justfabulous

Spuddybean · 06/07/2012 17:21

Sorry, i'm being dense, have i missed a post? At what point did MIL let you know she had changed it? Did your DH ask her to change it back? Did you tell her you weren't going?

TBH I'm kind of on DH's side. If i'd agreed to something and then someone unilaterally changed it to something i didn't like i wouldn't go either. But i would tell them first.

My exMIL did things like this at my wedding. She wanted black in the colour scheme, i didn't. She made the decorations and at the last minute but black ribbon all over them. I was so angry. Not about the colour so much (altho in my mind it did look tacky) but because despite our wishes she did what she had wanted. And of course everyone was saying well she was making them as a favour. But a favour you don't want isn't a favour at all is it. Like someone breaking into your house to clean it!

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 17:23

Sorry, but I honestly thought he would change his mind and go! Couldn't believe he didn't.

I pleaded with him on the day to go.

I think perhaps a letter is a no-no. But a card is appropriate.

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 17:25

I don't think a card is appropriate at all tbh

clam · 06/07/2012 17:25

"How a man treats his mum can be an idicator of how he will treat his wife."

Exactly. You have been warned!

LindyHemming · 06/07/2012 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:26

Ok, then you were wrong not to at least ring and explain when it became clear he wasnt going.

You are adults fgs!

I wouldnt send anything tbh...let the hurt and embarrasment die down for the poor woman! then perhaps apologise on your behalf and leave your dh to it.

Pandemoniaa · 06/07/2012 17:28

We just didn't turn up. She did think we were going until, of course, we didn't show

That's just awful. What a rude, discourteous, heartless thing to do. Now even allowing for your MIL being manipulative, the very least your dh should have done is talk to his own mother and say something along the lines of "I'm really not happy about you changing the plans and putting on a proper party since you know I don't deal well with parties. Please can we go back to the original idea?". If she wasn't prepared to budge then your dh could have told her that unfortunately, this would mean you wouldn't be able to attend.

To allow her to go ahead and then not show up and leave her to preside over a party without the two people it was in aid of is unforgivable.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2012 17:29

If you need to send her a card, rather than visit, then there is obviously a backstory.

Otherwise you would have a relationship with her.

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 17:30

I agree Pand. It would be difficult to get back to good terms. Manipulative or not.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 17:31

How long before the event did she tell your dh it had changed from a dinner party to a party party?

When she did say that it was going to be a party, did your dh say he would go, or did he let us Mum know that he was upset at the change of plan?

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 06/07/2012 17:31

If your husband made it explicitly clear from the outset he wouldn't attend the party then YANBU.

However, if your MIL believed that he was attending, (albeit reluctantly) and you did nothing to disabuse her of this belief, and just stood her up on the night, then YAVVVVVU. She must have been totally humiliated, and torn between feeling you'd snubbed her in the most public way possible in front of friends and family and worrying you'd been in an accident on the way to the venue.

Spuddybean · 06/07/2012 17:33

Wow - not turning up is pretty rude (if i were you i would have said to DP that i would have to call to say i wasn't going - he could do as he liked but as an autonomous adult you are responsible for you not turning up).

Out of interest: When was the party? Didn't she call to check where you were when it got to about 9ish? Wasn't she worried when you didn't turn up?

That's odd isn't it? If my mum thought i was going to a party she was throwing for me and i didn't arrive, she would be calling the hospitals by 10pm!

Is this how they normally behave?

nightowlmostly · 06/07/2012 17:34

When me and my DH got together, he'd been estranged from his family for some years. I managed to persuade him to make contact, which he did, and I am glad about that.

What I'm not so proud of is the fact that I used to nag him to call them more often, as I genuinely believed that if he did their relationship would miraculously recover and become wonderful. In the end I realised that in fact his family were just as bad at calling, and really didn't seem to care that much about keeping in touch. In retrospect I see that I was wrong to give him a hard time about it and should have kept out of it more.

OP, I think your DH was within his rights to not go to the party when his DM knew he wouldn't want it. But not letting her know was unnecessarily cruel, you could have called on the day at least. In future though, stay out of their relationship, don't 'tell' him he must go to family gatherings, it's his family and their issues. From experience, if he feels this is the right attitude, he's probably right. Trust him to know. And I wouldn't send a card, maybe just tell her on the phone you're sorry, but just for the not calling.

NonnoMum · 06/07/2012 17:35

Leave the bastard!

NonnoMum · 06/07/2012 17:36

But seriously, couples who marry abroad are usually pretty selfish IMHO.

Just an opinion. From a stranger on the internet. Take it, or more likely, leave it.

kitsmummy · 06/07/2012 17:37

I don't believe this. There was a thread with exactly the same details as this about six months or so ago.

Angelico · 06/07/2012 17:37

Am genuinely at this and that takes a fair bit of doing

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 17:39

"But seriously, couples who marry abroad are usually pretty selfish IMHO. "

Eh? Why? If it was done with no one there and no one had to fork out what is the issue? There could be MANY different reasons for not doing a local big one. Like I said above, for me it would be anxieties. I literally could not physically get my legs to walk me down the isle. I would be frozen with fright.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 06/07/2012 17:39

This sounds really familiar OP, have you posted about it before?

Something about the party and a pub and the football being on and DH refusing to go because it was going to be more (or less) formal than he wanted it to be?

Could the celebration have evolved because the family were all keen to celebrate with the two of you and your MIL realised she couldn't do a dinner party for so many people so turned it into a party.

No matter how manipulative she may be, if she was expecting you and you just didn't arrive she would have been mortified and very hurt.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 17:40

I do so want to apologise.

So I'm going to send a card and be careful not to blame anybody just saying that I'm sorry for the whole business without laying the blame at anybody's door.

Thanks for advice.

OP posts:

nightowlmostly · 06/07/2012 17:42

nonnomum how can you say that!? I had a secret wedding, I didn't want all the fuss and drama of a family do, for various reasons that I don't need to explain to anyone. My parents are totally fine with what we did, not everyone is bothered about weddings. They themselves had a quiet do with only close friends.

People should be able to have whatever kind of wedding they want, why should they have to do something they'll hate for the sake of overly sensitive relatives? I would have HATED a big wedding. To my mind it's the families that expect couples to have the wedding they don't want for the benefit of the extended family that are the selfish ones.

fridgeraiders · 06/07/2012 17:42

Pooka, I remember a thread some time back which was pretty much exactly the same details. Op, did this happen a while back?

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