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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should apologise to his mother?

119 replies

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:47

We've not been married long. We married abroad with two witnesses from the hotel. Dh's mum lives about 300 miles away (mine are nearer) and she organised a dinner party to toast the wedding. About two weeks ago, his mum told him that we were having a party not a dinner party. Dh is-just to give a balanced story, not the best person in a party and she knows this, she also knows that he hates last minute changes- did not like this. I thought it would blow over, but it didn't and though I pleaded with him and told him we had to go, he just wouldn't budge. Stubborn as he is.
I feel terrible about this. I'm in the process of writing an apology to the woman just to say how sorry I am that things didn't work out. According to my sil, she is in bits. Dh won't budge. I'm fecking ashamed of him to be honest! aibu?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/07/2012 16:34

and not abduction!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 16:35

He hasn't done anything to her Habecath! She's done it to him!

It's nice that you want to be nice to your MIL, but don't do it if it means you ate being unsupportive to your new DH. He is the one who is supposed to come first to you now.

If he feels like she set him up and disregarded his wishes and put him in a horrible and embarrassing situation, which he probably does, then why are you trying to say sorry to the person that did that? Why aren't you trying to understand your DHs POV and support him?

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2012 16:35

I presume that you got married the way that you did to avoid a party?

If so his mother is out of order. I agree that you could have turned up and made an excuse (to the wider family) for him.

However, if his mother is controlling and dismissive of his feelings, he has done the right thing.

He is an adult and allowed to make such decisions.

What will the next moves be? Her organising, Christmas 'do's' Baby showers, Christenings, big birthday parties? Set the bounderies now.

lurkedtoolong · 06/07/2012 16:40

Both have behaved badly - did MIL offer any reason for changing plans at the last minute? If she knows how much he hates big affairs and last minute changes it was very manipulative of her to organise something she knew was at total odds to his wishes. I wouldn't be too quick to apologise to her or you may find that you are seen as easy target in future.

Has she apologised for going against his wishes?

GrahamTribe · 06/07/2012 16:42

To me the MIL appears manipulative and self-centred. If you host a party in honour of someone you at least try to make it something which they'll like. Anything else isn't about the subject/s of the party, it's about you, you, you.

I wouldn't mind betting that this won't be the last of attempts at manipulation by your MIL and that you'll see your DH's point of view more as the marriage progresses. And on the subject of apologies, are you going to offer your DH one for this, "I told him we had to go.".

You don't tell adults unless you're paying them. You suggest. You ask. You plead even. Not tell.

Original poster
habecath · 06/07/2012 16:49

She can be manipulative and as bad as he is. I've written the letter in such a way-I hope- that avoids blaming him or her. Just said that I'm sorry things went awry.
I haven't slagged him off in the letter. Been careful not to. This is acceptable I think?

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 06/07/2012 16:52

Have you told DH you are writing this letter? He may feel very betrayed that you appear to be taking sides (even if tis isn't the case).

lopsided · 06/07/2012 16:55

I'm sure there was someone on here with a really similar story. I feel sorry for your mil, what a rejection.

GrahamTribe · 06/07/2012 16:55

No. IMHO the letter isn't acceptable in the least. It's an acceptance of your MIL's rudeness and selfishly manipulative behaviour towards your husband and betrayal of him. That's not a good start to a marriage (again imho).

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 16:55

I am confused. Does he has social anxieties or something? Is this the problem with a party?

Did you not tell her you weren't going? Did she throw it hoping you would turn up without knowing?

Original poster
habecath · 06/07/2012 16:57

He is aware. Perhaps I should scrap the letter and just send a blank card with just a few words saying that I am sorry that things went wrong? Less words the better perhaps?

OP posts:
Original poster
habecath · 06/07/2012 16:58

We just didn't turn up. She did think we were going until, of course, we didn't show. I wasn't going to go by myself-I've explained why; I'm not going to explain again.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 17:02

I don't think the letter is acceptable either. But it's your DHs opinion that matters. Has he read your letter? Does he know you are writing to her? What does he thnk of it. That's all that matters really.

If my Mum was trying to manipulate me and my dh went all grovelly and apologetic to her I would be properly pissed off with him and I woud feel very let down by his lack of support.

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:07

So you didnt even have the grace to let her know you werent going?

sheesh....

You all sound pretty unreasonable to me!

She was wrong to plan a party knowing he didnt like them - of course you are his wife now and perhaps you would have liked to go??? - but to not tell her you werent going to turn up? That is h

CwtchesAndCuddles · 06/07/2012 17:09

She may have been wrong in changing from a dinner to a party but to let her think you were going and then not turn up is terrible. Did you phone her at any point in the evening?

I think you are doing the right thing in sending a card.

Teeb · 06/07/2012 17:10

Actually, I don't think your husband was unreasonable at all. I would be furious if I was made to attend a party that I neither wanted nor had any say in for my marriage. He is an adult, he did not want a big party, so who does his mother think she is changing the plans behind his back in that way?

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2012 17:11

I would like the back story to this.

And to those calling the bloke names

get a grip.

Original poster
habecath · 06/07/2012 17:13

He didn't want to call her. Maybe I should have done and not listened to him, but my loyalties were torn.

I think I'm going to go for a blank card with a few words of apology about the whole business. I'm not going to go into details or blame or slag off my husband or her. I won't betray him to her. But a few words seem reasonable.
It's the extended family I feel for the most.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 06/07/2012 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zookeeper · 06/07/2012 17:14

Good for him. His mother should be apolgising for putting him in an awkward position. why carry on with the party for him when she knew he doesn't like parties and he wasn't going to come. She sounds very manipulative.

You should be supporting him surely?

Pooka · 06/07/2012 17:16

You seriously didn't tell her you weren't going. Neither of you?

I think you should be apologising for that at least.

This is very similar to another thread.

Angelico · 06/07/2012 17:16

Just read on and tbh can't believe you didn't tell her you weren't coming. Have I picked that up right? Because I would love to have read it wrong but she seemed to be expecting you and neither of you turned up? Shock

No matter what the circumstances that is just plain rude.

Dropdeadfred · 06/07/2012 17:18

I think it's absolutely terrible that you didn't save her the embarrassment of you both not showing up. Unforgivable behaviour!
It would not have been disloyal to at least ring her the day before

MsOnatopp · 06/07/2012 17:19

habecath Fri 06-Jul-12 16:58:39
We just didn't turn up. She did think we were going until, of course, we didn't show. I wasn't going to go by myself-I've explained why; I'm not going to explain again.

Alright no need to be rude. I was asking because it was unclear about whether or not you had let her know.

YABU and so is your H for not letting her know.

She was BU for changing it to a party knowing he would hate it.

Did you let her know that you weren't happy about the change?

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 17:20

So he gets married without his mum being there and won't even give her the pleasure of a wedding party? Lovely man you have there. How a man treats his mum can be an idicator of how he will treat his wife.

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