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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh should apologise to his mother?

119 replies

habecath · 06/07/2012 15:47

We've not been married long. We married abroad with two witnesses from the hotel. Dh's mum lives about 300 miles away (mine are nearer) and she organised a dinner party to toast the wedding. About two weeks ago, his mum told him that we were having a party not a dinner party. Dh is-just to give a balanced story, not the best person in a party and she knows this, she also knows that he hates last minute changes- did not like this. I thought it would blow over, but it didn't and though I pleaded with him and told him we had to go, he just wouldn't budge. Stubborn as he is.
I feel terrible about this. I'm in the process of writing an apology to the woman just to say how sorry I am that things didn't work out. According to my sil, she is in bits. Dh won't budge. I'm fecking ashamed of him to be honest! aibu?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 06/07/2012 17:42

He did'nt even call to say he wasn't going to go???? Not even on the day???

So sorry OP, you appear to have married an inconsiderate arse. It is one thing to say "no, we don't want a party so if you organise it we wo'nt come" and then stick to it, but to just not show up is terrible behaviour. It shows a total lack of consideration for someone else's feelings.

I assume we'll see you back on here in a few months time when it's you who he's decided it does'nt matter if their feelings get hurt. It appears he thinks it's ok to be really rude so long as he thinks he's in the right. Treating other people with respect is a bare minimum you should expect from your other half.

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:43

But you and your dh are to blame!

You should have told her you didnt want a party and would not be attending!!!

(as everyone upthread has also said!)

Dont send a card - that would be salt in the wound IMHO

DontmindifIdo · 06/07/2012 17:47

Badvoc is right, you are to blame that she didn't know that you wouldn't be coming, at the point you should have got in the car to go to the party and didn't, you should have called even if your DH refused to call. You are to blame for the fact that you didn't do this. You should have been polite even if your DH is not capable of doing so.

You are going to spend a lot of your life appologising to people for him, you do know that don't you?

hermionestranger · 06/07/2012 17:47

Assuming this isn't a wind up I think OP you and your DH have been incredibly selfish and ungrateful.

All his DM wanted was to celebrate her DS' happiness with you. I imagine your collective names are mud with the entire family and I think you need to have a long hard look at your behaviour. You didn't invite her to the wedding and then didn't show at the party she threw for you. Granted it wasn't a dinner party but for one evening surely he could have sucked it up. Sounds like a right catch you have there. I would be deeply ashamed if my children ever behaved like you two have done.

ZeldaUpNorth · 06/07/2012 17:48

If she lives 300 miles away that's about a 6 hour drive so you would of had at least that amount of time to phone her as you would of known you would not be going. Even a quick text would of done to save her embarrassment.

However my dp also hates parties and no doubt would hate it if his mam did this. A little family get together yes, but not a big party.

StrawberryMojito · 06/07/2012 17:49

I am not sure why you think you have behaved any better than he has.

lotsofcheese · 06/07/2012 17:50

Nonnomum: what utter crap!! Couples marry abroad for various reasons. Being selfish is not one of them.

Not everyone wants the full west end production- type wedding. It doesn't make you a selfish person.

Pandemoniaa · 06/07/2012 17:50

But they did have the sort of wedding they wanted nightowl, that's not the issue. There's nothing unreasonable in not wanting a party afterwards either. Especially if you hate parties and the whole reason you got married quietly was to avoid one.

But you don't, in all conscience and decency, fail to say ahead of the unwanted party that you won't be attending and you certainly don't leave someone in the humiliating position of hosting a party without the people it was in aid of.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 17:51

hermionestranger. You're really pious, aren't you? I wanted to go. He wouldn't. I pleaded with him, he wouldn't budge.

Not my bloody fault.

But I want to apologise for the awful mess of it all as she must be upset and to put things right again.

OP posts:

Badvoc · 06/07/2012 17:56

habecath
Look, you were wrong not to call when you realised your dh would not go. I understand you not wanting to go on your own, but you should have told her that you both would not be there. Stop whining that "its not my fault". Yes it is, it became your fault when you stood by and let your mil host a party you knew you would not be attending.

I fear dont is right...it wont be the last time you will be apologising for this idiot

Pandemoniaa · 06/07/2012 17:58

If you live 300 miles away (which is a few hours travelling) why did you not phone his mother when it was obvious that your dh wasn't prepared to budge? At least she could have made excuses to the other guests beforehand told them the party was going to have to be cancelled.

Only it sounds to me that your dh was quite happy to allow his mother to be humiliated and this is not a pleasant characteristic. Regardless of whether she is manipulative and controlling.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 18:00

Well it is his fault that we didn't go, however, I could have texted her, you are right about that.

Anyway, I'm going to send her a card which I hope will go some way in putting things right.

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 06/07/2012 18:02

But didn't she call to see where you were?

Honestly everyone, if your mum was expecting you after a 3 hour drive and you didn't turn up, wouldn't she be phoning and worried in case you had had an accident?

hermionestranger · 06/07/2012 18:02

Pious? No. I just have manners and am well able to play the family politics game. You could have picked up the phone. You didn't.

diddl · 06/07/2012 18:04

So you knew for two weeks that you wouldn´t be going?

Why couldn´t he just tell her that when it was changed to a party he no longer wanted to go?

TBH, I´m not a party person & would have preferred the meal-but it was family & friends who would be there?

Would it really have been such a big deal?

Unless she has "form" for this sort of thing.

What were her reasons for changing?

To make it easier for herself to host/organise/afford, or to try to force him to a party knowing that he doesn´t really like them?

Anyway, still very rude to not give her a definite no & just not turn up.

ladyintheradiator · 06/07/2012 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pandemoniaa · 06/07/2012 18:10

Anyway, I'm going to send her a card which I hope will go some way in putting things right.

I wouldn't pin too many hopes on this.

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 18:15

Oh well apart from grovelling at her feet-which some may say-rightly- be disrespectful to my dh- I really don't know what else to do.

As for politics, if I wanted to be politically right, I'd shutup and say and do nothing. To be honest, I don't want or need anything from his family and nor does he, if I were a right bitch, it would suit me to just say 'you're right, dear' to my dh and let it be. It's him I have to share a bed with, not them.

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 06/07/2012 18:20

Did DH ever say he was going to go? If I was told I was going to attend an event I didn't want to attend, I probably wouldn't attend, I certainly wouldn't attend an event which was supposedly in my honour that I did not want. So DH has nothing to apologise to his mother for that.

The only thing he does is if he informed her he was going (and it sounds more like you led her to believe you were rather than him saying he was which is why you're so guilty and want to send the letter) and didn't then cancel, for that, if he did it, he does need to apologise. However his mother is VU for even creating the event at all, and even more so for manipulating it.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2012 18:21

"if I wanted to be politically right, I'd shutup and say and do nothing."

Only if it was your DH, alone that was invited. You should now establish how his family are to be treated, whether cut off, or on a Christmas card list.

It is obvious that there are problems that run deep. His mother may be in denial about them.

eurochick · 06/07/2012 18:25

IMHO sending a card won't get you very far. It's not just the MIL that is the problem now. I suspect everyone else who was at the party thinks both of you are complete sh1ts. They won't know that you were pleading with him to go.

more · 06/07/2012 18:33

Don't send anything, no card, no letter, no wee note, please send nothing. This is your DH's "fight". How would you feel if you had a horrible relation with your parents, had a fight, and then he sent some kind of apologetic note to them!!?
No, if you send that note you are taking sides, whatever that note says. If he ever finds out that you have sent it, he is not going to look kindly at it. He is going to see it as a betrayal to him.
Please, please don't get involved in this. You married him and it is him you have to live in the same home with, have dinner with every night, sleep in the same bed as for the rest of your lives (hopefully) not his family.

clam · 06/07/2012 18:36

But of course, an even bigger problem for you now, aside from the unforgiveabe slight you (both) have made to his entire family, is that you are now married to someone who shows a character trait that you may well find very difficult to live with in the future. I would be very worried about how he has behaved.
And I'm not overly impressed that you colluded with him in the insult. You should have said to him, "OK, so you won't go, but if that's the case then I WILL phone your mother and explain." By not doing so, you have made yourself as bad as him.

DontmindifIdo · 06/07/2012 18:43

I think you now realise you didn't handle this very well, if you were pleading with him on the day, did you not realise how stubbon he was and that he meant it when he said he wouldn't go?

So, card to your MIL, tell your DH you have done this. He might want no further contact, that's fine, but he must understand that not turning up with no warning that you weren't turning up looks like he deliberately wanted to humiliate and upset his mother, not just not go. That's not something you can afford to ever let him get away with again. It will be your feelings he tramples on next.

There are red flags waving all over this behaviour. What's he like with your family & friends? Does he ever feel he should be polite to people he doesn't like? Or does he think if he've decided he doesn't like someone it's ok to treat them badly?

Original poster

habecath · 06/07/2012 18:44

eurochick I suggest you are wrong: they are his family and well aware of the problems between him and his mother. I probably haven't even registered with them.

In any case, the only slight is to his mum: it's probably better than Eastenders for them as regards entertainment value. I'd be entertained by it as a bystander

OP posts:

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