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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sending a 14 year old to boarding school because she won't behave at home is wrong?

106 replies

Ishouldmindmyownbusiness · 05/07/2012 16:05

About the size of it really. I've name changed as the details may out me. I'm not going to do anything as its none of my bl**dy business but please allow me a little rant here.

My brother is sending his dd to boarding school as a punishment because her behavior at school and home is so poor. She's fallen in with a "bad crowd , is a bit mouthy and has endless problems with school work and friends. He and SIL made it very clear to her its a punishment and that's where she's spending the last years of her school career - and its not even weekly boarding so she won't get many weekends at home. She's also been told her grandmother (SIL's mum) is paying the fees and will be receiving all her reports and discussing them with her so she'd better work hard.

AIBU to want to cry for my poor DN who I think is anorexic and desperate for attention. I've tried telling my brother I am worried she's showing signs of an eating disorder but SIL phoned and told me in no uncertain terms to butt out and leave her daughters health and discipline to her.

I know as my name says I should mind my own business but I'm so worried for her :(

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/07/2012 16:09

actually i think yabu

i am not a huge fan of boarding schools, i';m really not. but if any of my kids got in with a bad crowd and i was worried for their futures then i would do what I could to get them away from that crowd. if that meant boarding school then so be it... and to be honest it doesn';t seem a bad option if the alternative is staying at home, failing school and getting into trouble to be honest with you

maybe this is what she needs

IawnCont · 05/07/2012 16:09

YANBU to be worried about her health. Can you talk to her about it?
But YABU about the whole boarding school thing. I don't like the elitism of boarding school and can't imagine sending my children to one, but I wouldn't judge someone who did.

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2012 16:12

if she does have an eating disorder and it is going unnoticed, hopefully the boarding school will pick up on it. If my dd were in a similar situation re bad crowd, school problems and so on, I might consider a boarding school too. Mainly to get her away from the influence of the crowd she is in with.

AChickenCalledKorma · 05/07/2012 16:14

I think making it explicitly a "punishment" is very wrong and possibly damaging.

But if it was portrayed as a "fresh start" and a way to help your niece pull her life together, it would seem very different. And I would imagine that a girls' boarding school would be on red alert for signs of eating disorders among their teenage students, so it might just be somewhere she'll get the help she needs?

chilled7up · 05/07/2012 16:15

It's a hard one really. If she has been mixing with the wrong crowd I can understand why your brother wants to send her away from them. But, at the same time education should not be a punishment and she'll probably rebel and do very badly. Also if she is anorexic, they should deal with what's causing it first. It's hard being a teenager and it's hard dealing with them. How long has this been going on, did she have a good relationship and support from her parents before the problems started?

NovackNGood · 05/07/2012 16:15

Sounds like boarding school is the perfect place for her to be. She will get quite enough weekends at home as most boarding schools have at least 2 exeunts a term and then half terms etc and the rest of the weekends she will be enjoying many activities and relaxing with friends and probably not want to leave the place as she'll be having fun.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2012 16:16

I'm not a fan of boarding schools at all but I think YABU

What makes you think she has an eating disorder by the way?

I think that's a separate issue as she'd have that no matter what school she went to.

Hopefully the boarding school will pick up on it if it's true.

AlpinePony · 05/07/2012 16:17

My parents did this to me and I will probably never forgive them. It divided the wedge further.

It didn't affect my behaviour.

Boarding schools are a breeding ground for eating disorders.

mynewpassion · 05/07/2012 16:17

I think your SIL is right. Her child's education and health is her business. You've made your concerns heard, that's all you can do.

timetoask · 05/07/2012 16:18

It might be the best thing that ever happened to her. If she is getting along with the wrong crowd her life could go the wrong way.
It is lucky they have someone who can fun the boarding school. I think I would have done the same thing, with a very heavy heart because I hate boarding schools, but as a last measure to put her back on the straight path.

squeakytoy · 05/07/2012 16:18

Like Worra, I am not a fan of Boarding Schools either normally, but in this case I can see that it may be the best solution, and really is none of your business.

As for the eating disorder, it depends on what you are basing your information, as this girl doesnt live with you, so again it does make me think YABU.

Migsy1 · 05/07/2012 16:18

Sounds like a good idea to me.

KellyElly · 05/07/2012 16:19

Calling it a punishment is wrong but if she is falling in with the wrong crowd, mucking around at school etc boarding school could be a good place for her. It's not some Victorian establishment like some people think. I went to boarding school and am really glad I went. Made great friends and got a fantastic education. You usually get two exit weekends a term at home, half term and longer holidays, so it isn't like she wouldn't see her parents.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/07/2012 16:20

YABU. There were boarders at my school, they were fine.

So many people make the mistake of assuming that boarding must be a cold miserable existence, but it really isn't.

It's better that they do something to separate her for badly behaved friends, because that can do a lot of damage to a young life.

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2012 16:20

I don't know if they can make her work hard by having the grandmother discuss her reports with her but I get the feeling they are very angry and very worried, probably more worried even than you are right now. They are making it sound like a punishment but maybe in their eyes too, it is just a desperate measure for her own good IYSWIM

PostBellumBugsy · 05/07/2012 16:21

It sounds like they've reached the end of their tether with her. It is a real shame that it has got this bad, but maybe if your DN is at loggerheads with her parents, this may take the pressure off all of them and they can get back on track.
I am astounded that being sent to boarding school is being delivered as a punishment. Your DN is probably being given access to a hugely privileged education - which surely has to be a good thing?

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2012 16:28

hopefully when she gets there , she will soon come to appreciate it. I suppose atm she is not open to seeing the positive side of changing schools since she will want to stay in with her current crowd.

Do you know the school Ishouldmind? It might be a fabulous one and really turn things around for her. I suppose you will have to wait and see. You say she is desperate for attention. Why do you think that is?

Don't be too harsh on your brother, he and SIL are probably really at their wits end.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 05/07/2012 16:29

Sounds like they r desperate tbh. Education is zoo important and so is behavior in four short years she would be able to be thrown into prison if she commits a crime and if she's in with a bad crowd and gets into drink or drugs or reckless gehsviour her whole life could be a write off. If this boarding school teachers her boundaries and respect and responsibilities then maybe they can snap her out of this negative behaviour and turn her into a well spoken well educated member of society who is able to find a job and learn to support herself etc. I hope it works I really do it must be an awful situation to be in:(

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 05/07/2012 16:30

Sorry for spelling damn auto correct Blush

TubbyDuffs · 05/07/2012 16:33

My sister sent her daughter to boarding school as she had got in with a bad crowd and wasn't doing at all well at the school she was attending. It wasn't a punishment as such, as my niece really did want to go to the school, but it did split her from her friends, which was a good thing.

She has now left school and I have to say it was the best thing my sister could have done for her. She has a really bright future now, whereas before she was going nowhere fast.

As far as the eating disorder is concerned, are you not close enough to your niece to be able to discuss this with her?

Longdistance · 05/07/2012 16:39

My mil did this with my sil about 30 or so years ago.
It was probably the best thing she did, as she is now high flying sought after accountant yawn but she is quite a cold person at times chip on the shoulder for being shoved away

yellowraincoat · 05/07/2012 16:41

I think it can be really good for some kids to be forced to be a bit more mature and independent.

Totally against private education but in some circumstances, can see why the parents want to.

KatherineKavanagh · 05/07/2012 16:44

Op.... How old are your own dc!

Those without teens, you might think it's. Solution one day

My own teen has got in with the wrong crowd..,. Wish I had had this option, cos it's turned out bad.

hackmum · 05/07/2012 16:57

YANBU. It's quite cruel. It seems to me to be sending a message that says "You're a bad girl, we're going to punish you, and we don't love you enough to try and help you sort out your problems." It's both an abdication of responsibility and a rejection of your own child. Poor kid.

PostBellumBugsy · 05/07/2012 16:58

I think it says we love you so much, we are going to get some help from a relative to pay for you to have a second chance at a very expensive school!

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