To think sending a 14 year old to boarding school because she won't behave at home is wrong?

[Ishouldmindmyownbusiness]

About the size of it really. I've name changed as the details may out me. I'm not going to do anything as its none of my bl**dy business but please allow me a little rant here.

My brother is sending his dd to boarding school as a punishment because her behavior at school and home is so poor. She's fallen in with a "bad crowd , is a bit mouthy and has endless problems with school work and friends. He and SIL made it very clear to her its a punishment and that's where she's spending the last years of her school career - and its not even weekly boarding so she won't get many weekends at home. She's also been told her grandmother (SIL's mum) is paying the fees and will be receiving all her reports and discussing them with her so she'd better work hard.

AIBU to want to cry for my poor DN who I think is anorexic and desperate for attention. I've tried telling my brother I am worried she's showing signs of an eating disorder but SIL phoned and told me in no uncertain terms to butt out and leave her daughters health and discipline to her.

I know as my name says I should mind my own business but I'm so worried for her :(

YANBU

As you have presented it here it sounds like a bad idea for the wrong reasons.

My mum did this to me age 15. I want even doing badly in school, predicted As etc but my min didn't like me wanting I hang out with friends etc. the final straw was me saying I was staying at a friends and camping out on the beach with a load of friends (hardly bad delinquent behaviour)
On one hand I hated her for it and it damaged our relationship but on the other hand I probably would have move out at 16 and not done my a levels and gone to uni
Regarding eating disorder boarding schools are rid with them but there is a lot of observation, more so than at home,. They know hat to look for and can provid the help needed. I developed bulimia and was given the support needed which I probably wouldn't have at home

I say when children are wild and have no boundries usually its at the feet of parents were you can usually lay the blame so sending child away is most likey palming off his guilt and then when it contiunes to go worng he can blame the school

I alway shocked when i was the worlds strictest parents ect its nt the children who need to be on the show its the parents that let things get that far those shows that as soon as the children move in with a family that provides boundires low and behold they start towing the line

Cheese and peas what is it with 2012 parents why they cant grow a pair and act like adults and tell their children whats what

God it makes me crige i even see small children telling their parents whAt they will and wont be having for dinner in tesco

That's how I've seen it at the boarding school my friends work at as house parents.
The kids have massive boundaries (no drinking, smoking, I think they can't go into the small town unless in pairs etc) that apply to everyone but have huge freedoms as well. At weekends there are tons of sports, arts and community projects, trips to the cinema, to the local large cities etc - keeping them out of trouble.

For many hours, they are left to their own devices, without parents nagging them, but as they know they will be suspended etc if they break the boundaries, there are few problems with bad behaviour. And as the punishment is from a neutral person, it's less personal somehow.

Sorry dont agree one bit my cousin was "sent away" due to drug taking once he was away he drug taking incressed were he was from every one was only smoking weed he was inroduced to charlie also drink the school hand huge issue with drink they buying of and the sneeking in of ect

If you are having issues seting boundries for yur child the issues lies with you so as a parent its you who needs to get down to a parenting in class

Sorry dont agree one bit my cousin was "sent away" due to drug taking once he was away he drug taking incressed were he was from every one was only smoking weed he was inroduced to charlie also drink the school hand huge issue with drink they buying of and the sneeking in of ect

Schools struggle with drug issues across the board but it is not in the interests of any decent boarding school to allow things to get out of hand in the way you describe. Not least because they depend on having a good reputation to encourage parents prepared to pay the usually considerable fees!

So when you say "sent away", to what sort of school exactly?

To a bording school carribean its a iinternatioal school lots of diplomats children go there ect

I just really feel when children go off the rails their first place to look is within at our parenting,

Their are not many times when i think people fail as parents but if your sending yur children away with out even challanging your own pareting style

YOU HAVE FAILED

What do we teach our children if things become hard or you challage me i will get rid of you part of being secure is that what ever yu do how ever you behave we will stick by you

Poor Little Girl, I have often found that badly behaved children are often very unhappy children.

Not only is she being sent away to school but the parents are damaging any positive aspect by presenting it as a punishment and turning granny into a big bad wolf too!

This will come back and bite your SIl on the bum - big style

granny is paying for your punishment so you better work hard - I don't think so what will granny do it I don't work hard? Send me home?

Sounds as it is being presented all wrong to her. Other parents work hard to be able to afford to send their children to boarding schools. For the vast majority it isn't seen as a punishment but as a way of getting a great education, making friends and trying new experiences. DD doesn't board yet but is envious of the time they get to spend playing sport etc. The school should also spot any eating disorder because their house masters should monitor what they are up to. Good idea for her parents to mention it to them beforehand though.

I am astonished by the number of posters who seem to think it is somehow barbaric to send children to boarding school. Many parents would love for them to get a scholarship to one so they can have a great start in life.

My parents did this to me. I hated them at the time but now I can see it was the only choice they had. Not that boarding school, in my experience, is any cure for potential eating disorders. It's the only place I've ever seen real anorexia and in quite a few girls too.
Anyway - the thing is - nobody can know what will or will not work but as parents they have to try whatever they think will work.

butkin I'm similarly astonished by parents who think boarding schools are a great idea/great start in life

I agree with everything mrbojangles has said. Sod the academia, the new experiences and all the time for sports, what kind if fundamental lessons about humanity and priorities is this teaching her?

I cannot comprehend someone sending their child away, with a life threatening illness

OP you are being VERY reasonable. I had a sibling who was 'sent away to boarding school' and at the age of 40 they are still struggling with the rejection. I also worked in a boarding school and so many parents sent them there because it was inconvenient to have them at home for various reasons. The kids know this, they play up, kick off cos they don't want to be there. Parents fool themselves if they think their children don't feel rejected or that their parents love is conditional on them being a genius because of the money they are forking out. For every one who has a wonderful time there is someone who is in or should be in therapy because of their experience.

But surely the same negative things can be said about regular school.

I went off the rails, self harmed, took drugs, got in with the wrong kind of boyfriend (who endedup for a year in an secure unit) at our 'good' local comprehensive. My sisters didn't do any of that, so not entirely sure if all the blame for my behaviour can be laid at my parents feet.

I know of friends who had a terrible experience at secondary school. I know tons of people who had good experiences at boarding school. I wouldn't judge regular schools all because of the few bad stories I've heard.

This girl sounds as though her problems have been going on for a while. What has been done before now to help her? Perhaps they have exhausted all avenues. At the end of this tale is a frightened girl and parents who are just as scared. I don't think anyone looks at their newborn hoping they go spectacularly off the rails. I also think entirely blaming the parents is good either. The school, the child and the environment and friends have a part in this. I'm pretty sure, if I hadn't met my boyfriend I would have been a pretty good teen. But as it was, I met him, and I was a horror and I think a bit of distance from everyone would have been a good thing.

For the grandmother to be offering to pay, this must mean she thinks it a good idea as well. Perhaps you could talk about your concerns with her.

And I do think you sound like such a caring aunt.

I went to 2 different boarding schools. Very different atmosphere and pastoral care, so a lot will depend on the school anyway.

At my school there were a lot of boarders. Some were there for 'legitimate' reasons, like parents lived overseas in countries with no good English schools - like my parents. They did not have an issue with why they were there.
Some girls though were there because their parents didn't want them at home, one I can think of lived 30 mins drive away and boarded full time, and hated her family for it, felt dumped. So attitude/coping ability of girls varied enormously too.

If she is being presented with it as a punishment i can't imagine she is going to get the best out of it. But maybe she will find it calm, predictable, a relief from stresses at home. maybe she will find a like minded friend and blossom, it will give her a chance to be self -reliant and independent. Sometimes for teens, a bit of distance can be a wonderful thing
Boarding school can be great at this age, I think it probably saved my DB and my parents from major teenage fall out. I do think her feelings about why she is there will make a big difference though.

You may be right, but unfortunately, unless you have been asked for an opinion, I think you have to butt out.

Letters become very important at school. You could drop her regular notes and cards/funny postcards, just to let her know that she is still part of the family and loved.

Can you invite neice to stay with you at weekends?

To do it as a punishment is BVU, it will kill off what may be left of her relationship with her parents.

I'm not against boarding schools per se, but sending your child away instead of dealing with the problem at home or getting outside help in the form of therapy or similar is plain wrong. My sister did this with her son at a similar age, sent him "back home" and his next stop turned out to be borstal. OH told DD2 he would send her back home for school. It's taken 8 years, and a lot of therapy to get a nice child back and get rid of the monster that his threat created.

14 is not the age to be getting rid of her, it should have done at birth or they now grow up and parent their child.

I have had the exact same experience at the same age. it was absolutely horrible and I felt rejected and abnormal. I used to lie awake and think that they were all happy now I was gone. I am not saying I wasn't bloody awful, I was, but being sent away just made me more detached and resentful. I am lucky, my mum couldn't bear it and after 2 terms she put her foot down and refused to send me back even though my dad was adamant. That was the turning point for me, not the sending away bit.

This is the teenage equivalent of "be good or the boogie man will get you".

This girl obviously has behaviour issues that your db and sil can't cope with.

What are they? Why can't they communicate effectively with their dd? What

are their boundaries?

Until those issues are sorted out, they're just displacing the problems, hoping

someone else will deal with them.

Obviously your dn could be a nightmare, I don't know. But at 14 she's at a

vulnerable age and needs help and guidance. Can you speak to dn?

I don't know, when kids are expelled from schools it can sort their problems, gets them away from others they 'need' to impress, gets them away from reputations they might feel they have to live up to eg no longer the school druggie.

Problem is if she is only family member to go - would expect great resentment and envy of those 'good' siblings staying home.

There can be problems that a parent brings to the relationship with their offspring from their own upbringing which can't be magicked away. And these apparently minor problems, such as favouring one child slightly over another, can start from when offspring are tiny. YOu can't suddenly fix that at 14. Also genes make us all different, some kids are more difficult that others, then some parents can handle some things better than others.

Shame it is being used as punishment when it could be the making of her.

I know someone who did exactly the same with their son. He was just on the edge of becoming a really 'bad lad,' but it really was the making of him.

On the other hand you run the risk of it not working at all and building up a life time of resentment.

I could not get on at all with my parents when I was 14- everything we said to each other ended up in a huge bloody argument. A break from them, and a chance to maintain a healthy distance and get away from the people I was hanging around with would have been wonderful.

As it was, I wasted my teens and most of my 20s.

She'll love boarding school - all those drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. She'll have a great time.

Quite Hully!