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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sending a 14 year old to boarding school because she won't behave at home is wrong?

106 replies

Ishouldmindmyownbusiness · 05/07/2012 16:05

About the size of it really. I've name changed as the details may out me. I'm not going to do anything as its none of my bl**dy business but please allow me a little rant here.

My brother is sending his dd to boarding school as a punishment because her behavior at school and home is so poor. She's fallen in with a "bad crowd , is a bit mouthy and has endless problems with school work and friends. He and SIL made it very clear to her its a punishment and that's where she's spending the last years of her school career - and its not even weekly boarding so she won't get many weekends at home. She's also been told her grandmother (SIL's mum) is paying the fees and will be receiving all her reports and discussing them with her so she'd better work hard.

AIBU to want to cry for my poor DN who I think is anorexic and desperate for attention. I've tried telling my brother I am worried she's showing signs of an eating disorder but SIL phoned and told me in no uncertain terms to butt out and leave her daughters health and discipline to her.

I know as my name says I should mind my own business but I'm so worried for her :(

OP posts:
bejeezus · 05/07/2012 17:06

Fucking hell, YANBU at all!

Sending a child to live seperately from the family as a punishment?!?!!!!

When she has a possible EATING DISORDER?!?!!!

IMO they are handing over their parental failure responsibilities to other people

Unfortunately SIL is right. It is not your business. There is nothing you can do Sad

bejeezus · 05/07/2012 17:08

What hackmum says

Moominsarescary · 05/07/2012 17:10

We can't deal with you so we will send you somewhere we don't have too

BettySuarez · 05/07/2012 17:20

My friend is a senior nurse at an all girls boarding school and she sees a very high number of girls with eating disorders, self harming etc.

Not really sure whether they had these problems before attending or if they are a direct result of being separated from their families. I would hope that the school would keep a very careful eye on them.

Horrified that they have openly cited this as a punishment Sad

Original poster
Ishouldmindmyownbusiness · 05/07/2012 17:24

First of all thank you for all your answers. You have helped reassure me a bit that this is perhaps not such a bad outcome and will hopefully turn out well for her when I know brother and SIL are at the end of their tether and I do feel bad for judging them. She's not going until September so hopefully they'll calm down and start presenting it more as a great opportunity and a fresh start rather than a punishment

In answer to various questions

  1. I admit I don't have teenagers so I am in a bad position to judge - maybe I'll change my mind when my 7 year old hits 14
  2. I think she's anorexic because she's clearly very under weight, hides food she's claimed to eat and will only eat the veg on her plate and try to leave everything else (I admit I may be totally wrong but its enough to concern me)
  3. I know nothing about the school - I just hope she'll be happy there

Again thank you for reassuring me a bit

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 05/07/2012 17:25

What else have they tried? Is this the last resort, or the first thing that they chose to do? Are they generally loving parents at their wits end? I don't think we can judge without knowing more.

FWIW, if I was at my wits end, I'd consider it too. Not sure who would pay for it though

bejeezus · 05/07/2012 17:28

Me and most of my friends used to work in the kitchen of a boarding school which was local to us, when we were teenagers

Believe me, they can STILL get in with a bad crowd we were that bad crowd

Socknickingpixie · 05/07/2012 17:36

yabu they can say its a punishment all they want but the school will not reinforce that,it will also remove her from the bad crowd.

i went to boarding school i loved it however some compleate twats morans seam to think i must have been bad and thats why i was sent. no i was sent because my parents worked in a different country.what ever they thought i didnt much care whilst i was snowboarding dirtbiking and other such intresting things.

yanbu for thinking they have no concept of how it will be for her if they truely feel its a punishment,if you do actually feel that way.

TouTou · 05/07/2012 17:37

Ishould. It's good that she has an aunt that cares. Can you try and get some one-to-one time with her so she has a caring ear who will listen to her?

And about the posible eating disorder, then the fact that she already may have one and has fallen in with a bad crowd can't make it too much worse? (I don't know, it's just a thought.)

I think the fresh start angle is good. The parents should be encouraging it this way, rather than as a punishment.
Personally, I'm saving up for DD (age 8) for boarding school at 12. Hopefully, we won't have to send her, but if she suddenly starts acting the way I did, making my parents life a misery, simply for existing, I'll send her there.
My SIL went at the same age and had a fantastic time.

Although they are often portrayed as terrible pits of despair, there is one near us (30 mins away) that is really lovely. I have friends who are staff there and the kids who go seem (again, seem!) happy and healthy, sporty and generally well brought up. Sometimes, separation is not a bad thing at that age. Perhaps she is railing against her parents and needs freedom, and maybe she'll get that away from them. I KNOW I would have been better at boarding school and away from my parents.

manicinsomniac · 05/07/2012 17:37

I don't think they are being unreasonable to send her to boarding school necessarily but they are being unreasonable to treat it as a punishment rather than an opportunity.

However, if they have any suspicions about her having anorexia then they are being reasonable to send her away at all. In fact, I'd be amazed if the school keep her once they realise. I work in a school that has boarders and if any of them have any serious mental health issues then they have to be day pupils, the school just isn't able to cope with that level of responsibility.

Viviennemary · 05/07/2012 17:38

Your SIL thinks it's a good idea and will help her daughter. I think it is worth trying. I agree with a lot of what's been said on this thread. If the parents have tried everything to improve things then the school might be a great idea. However, if she is desperately unhappy at the school after giving it a good chance, then the parents will have to think again.

Sallyingforth · 05/07/2012 17:39

It might be a good school with a good ethos and lots of support
BUT
if she has been told that she's going there as a punishment it's doomed from the start.

waterlego6064 · 05/07/2012 17:46

I don't think YABU because I think it will feel like a rejection to your DN.

As for eating disorders being more common in boarding schools (as suggested by PPs), could this be because of the link between pressure to achieve academically and eating disorders, which I believe is fairly well-documented?

EldritchCleavage · 05/07/2012 17:53

Just to say, I know someone who worked in pastoral care at a boarding school. The training on things like eating disorders was quite extensive from what she told me, so I think the staff might be very helpful to her.

boaty · 05/07/2012 18:42

I know a young man who got into a bad crowd at boarding school! Unless it is in a remote part of the country senior pupils do get free unsupervised time. He was far less supervised than his parents ever envisaged he would be! going out getting drunk aged 14 etc

Bonsoir · 05/07/2012 18:44

It sounds as if your DN is in bad place right now. Maybe boarding school will be a much better place for her. I think you should trust your brother and SIL on this one.

GrahamTribe · 05/07/2012 18:53

Putting the possible anorexia issue to one side, YABU. If the kid's in with a bad crowd, has problems with schoolwork and other kids at school and is behaving badly at home perhaps the continuity and discipline of boarding school is just what she needs. I wouldn't think twice about sending my teenager to boarding school under the circumstances you describe.

Ormiriathomimus · 05/07/2012 19:00

Let's hope it's a good school then. One where they will notice why she's unhappy and disruptive.

I think it's a shame too FWIW

exoticfruits · 05/07/2012 19:20

Firstly I don't think that it should be put as a punishment-it ought to be presented as a positive thing.
It could go 2 ways IF it is purely that she is in with the 'wrong' crowd, it could sort her out BUT if she is in with the 'wrong' crowd because of underlying problems then she will merely take the problems with her.

Pandemoniaa · 05/07/2012 19:21

I went to boarding school. I was surprised to find just how much I liked it.

However, I'd agree that this mustn't be presented as a punishment but as an opportunity. At 14, your dn is quite old enough to cope at boarding school and, from what you describe, I can understand why your DB and SIL are taking this course of action. But the outcome will very much depend on the school she attends and I'd hope they are investing in somewhere that prides itself on the level of pastoral care that they offer their boarders.

lovebunny · 05/07/2012 19:23

its not wrong, its normal. for some people, anyway.
it isn't cruel. it gets her away from the bad crowd and from the parental influence she rejects. allows her to start afresh and make her own way.

wouldn't have parted with mine for anything, but she wasn't in that situation.

TouTou · 05/07/2012 19:31

Pandemoniaa - I think that's the think about boarding schools. Because they are a bit exotic, everyone knows a tale of terror from them, but many kids are like you were, they thrive and flourish at one.

I just read a thread about a girl of 12 who is pulling a knife on her mum at dinners. Honestly, I wonder if she went to boarding school it would help. It doesn't sound like it could make matters worse.

I do wonder if some DCs aren't necessarily tormented by their teenage years, but loathe being confined by their parents and boundaries. I was always happy to be reprimanded by a teacher or similar, but would raise merry hell if it was my own parents. I just felt so irritated with them! Boarding school and all the distractions, I think, would have been perfect.

sarahseashell · 05/07/2012 19:35

YANBU because the parents are making it seem like a punishment and handling it terribly imo. She's lucky to have a loving aunt. I hope she's okay.

Mrbojangles1 · 05/07/2012 19:36

Watch "Oompa Loompa Song: Veruca Salt" video

Lyrics to Oompa Loompa Song: Veruca Salt :
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who's to blame

The mother and the father

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not spoiled, then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

Pandemoniaa · 05/07/2012 19:38

I do wonder if some DCs aren't necessarily tormented by their teenage years, but loathe being confined by their parents and boundaries

That's very true. TouTou. One thing that was blissfully missing from the lives of all the boarders at my school was parental hassle! The routine was actually much more laid back than I suspect it would have been in many homes since you were required only to observe a modest number of very clear (and actually quite understandable) rules. I'm not at all keen on rules myself but they were at least consistent and applied to everyone. Sure, we had less freedom in some areas but actually, a great deal more freedom in others.

So boarding school doesn't have to be like something out of a Dickens novel but I do think it is important not to present it as some sort of youth custody.