To think sending a 14 year old to boarding school because she won't behave at home is wrong?

[Ishouldmindmyownbusiness]

About the size of it really. I've name changed as the details may out me. I'm not going to do anything as its none of my bl**dy business but please allow me a little rant here.

My brother is sending his dd to boarding school as a punishment because her behavior at school and home is so poor. She's fallen in with a "bad crowd , is a bit mouthy and has endless problems with school work and friends. He and SIL made it very clear to her its a punishment and that's where she's spending the last years of her school career - and its not even weekly boarding so she won't get many weekends at home. She's also been told her grandmother (SIL's mum) is paying the fees and will be receiving all her reports and discussing them with her so she'd better work hard.

AIBU to want to cry for my poor DN who I think is anorexic and desperate for attention. I've tried telling my brother I am worried she's showing signs of an eating disorder but SIL phoned and told me in no uncertain terms to butt out and leave her daughters health and discipline to her.

I know as my name says I should mind my own business but I'm so worried for her :(

Just because she was warned that if her behaviour did not change she would be sent to BS doesn't make it a 'punishment' exactly.

Sometimes teenagers can behave so appallingly that they threaten to rip apart the whole family and are a threat to the mental health of their parents. Sending your child to BS under these circumstances is the middle class version of having them taken into care. It's a last ditch attempt to help them, to keep your own sanity, and to not kill them with your bare hands due to extreme provocation and dimished responsibility!

I am sure they have not made this decision lightly. Do not sit in judgement until you have lived with this girl yourself. In fact as a solution why don't you offer to take her in?

Boarding school was last stop before foster care for me, it saved my relationship with my parents, mostly because I got away from my alcoholic father long enough to see that life can be good without drinking and promiscuity.

The idea it is a punishment is quite a sad situation for your niece. However, if she has fallen in with a bad crowd this could be a good situation for her. I know of a few people who have sent their children to live elsewhere to get them out of bad crowds and it has been a really positive outcome for those children.

I think all the people saying how wonderful boarding school is are missing the point. I'm sure some boarding schools are great - good teachers, fantastic facilities, opportunity to make new friends and try new things. But the point is that these parents are sending their child away - a child who is already troubled is being told that her parents don't want her, can't cope with her, and are handing her over to someone else. That must be psychologically devastating.

And for what it's worth, I couldn't conceive of sending my own DD away to boarding school. I would find it heartbreaking.

YOu know sending a girl with problems away is just going to create a mess elsewhere imo she isnt getting helped she is being Punished and will act out at her new school as well, I feel sorry for her, I have nothing against boarding schools but sending an already mixed up kid to one is going to end in disaster, It isnt going to be the making of her, like her parents and gran think

^^ that

I agree with you hackmum, except that it is easy to not conceive of such a thing when you have a relatively easy and manageable child - especially if they are still little. Some children do undergo a personality transplant at 14-16 and I don't think it's fair to judge parents who are struggling with The Demon Teenager From Hell.

Perhaps these parents have exhausted all avenues available to them to help their DD with her issues and perhaps she has rejected every offer of support made to her. Perhaps she is just incredibly selfish and unco-operative on every level. If that is the case then she is unlikely to get much better by boarding, but at least they tried.

Are these parents actually mad??? Or maybe they are stupid?

They need to get some proper help for this poor girl. Not send her away.

Hermaj, the OP thinks her dn is anorexic, You don't send such a teenager to boarding school.

IME 14 is a shitty time for girls it really is they go through all sorts i have had 2 of them and I was tearing my hair out with problems with friends hormones it does pass though well I still have it with 1 but as somebody has just said between 14 and 16 they do go through some sort personality transplant, it as if aliens have stolen your child

Boarding school doesn't have to mean private education btw yellowraincoat. There are quite a few state schools with full termly boarding provision in the UK. You only pay for the boarding fees (typically around 9k a year) but the education element is free.

No, you don't QLB. But an ED is just the OP's suspicion. I would hope that if the parents thought she was anorexic or at risk of an ED they would be taking steps to get her some counselling/treatment and BS would of course not be the answer. But they clearly do not think an ED is an issue.

It is nice that the OP cares enough to be concerned but unless she is concerned enough to instigate SS intervention then she just has to accept that the girl's parents have a right to make the judgement call for themselves.

If she genuinely thinks they are in denial about any MH issues she is struggling with then she is going to have to put her relationship with her DB on the line to progress this, and she could end up with egg on her face if she is wrong.

I dont think the school is the issue here. Sent under proper decent circumstances it could be the making of her.

Its the way they have done this as a punishment.

Have they actually said to your DN - and your punishment is you are being sent to BS?? or As punishment you will spend the rest of your school career at BS.
OR
has your neice kicked off because like most 14yo would be is pissed off that she will miss her friends, not be allowed to hang out with these mate etc etc and therefore she perceives it as a punshment??

Parents sound like they are desperate to get your neice back on the straight and narrow. They probably do feel they have failed. I don see anything wrong with the regular reports being sent and discussed to ensure academically she achieves her potential. I discuss my DC reports with them. Perhaps the parents feel because her behaviour has and school work has deteriorated so badly that her current school has a negative opinion of her - kids pick up on this and it will be a red rag to a bull. Perhaps a fresh start (with the right positive attitude) could be a massive turning point for her. Less negative school reporting may encourage your neice to want to try and have pride in herself.

With regards to eating disorders most BS these days are very switched on. Regular weighing is carried out and meal times are monitored closely. The girls school/boarding school repuatation for eating disorders means they have had to move with the times to get ontop of any problems. These schools whether state or private boarding are fee paying - the schools need to get bums on seats and that isnt going to happen if they a reputation ofr eating disorders. I am not saying it does not occur but BS are very much well on top of this sort of thing now. Your neice may actually get help if she has a problem.

You cant change this situation but you could help your neice before she goes in September (I assume Sept) and be positive about it from her perspective. Her parents are selling this as a punishment which is very wrong but you could sell it to her as something more positive. If she goes with a shit negative attitude she will find it harder, be miserable for longer and it may fail in helping your neice. If your neice has to come home from BS because it fails what will happen to her then?? what will her parents who obviously feel they have already failed in their parenting do?? Will they then resort to social services???

I am not saying BS is the right or best solution but its going to happen(by the sound of it) - so why not try and make it be a success for your neice despite your feelings on the matter. Let your neice know you are there for her. Write and email her once she is there and gently encouraging and reassuring.

You could turn out to play a very key role in the making of your neice - she may feel very bitter, angry and alone. She could actually really NEED you to help her get through thi.

Boarding school can be great, lots of kids board at my dc's school and lOVE it.

But if you go there with probs, they are likely to be exacerbated...deal with the probs first. If she IS anorexic then she has ishoos.

Ishoos + new school + boarding = not a good idea.

Hermaj: "I agree with you hackmum, except that it is easy to not conceive of such a thing when you have a relatively easy and manageable child - especially if they are still little. Some children do undergo a personality transplant at 14-16 and I don't think it's fair to judge parents who are struggling with The Demon Teenager From Hell."

I take your point. My DD is 13 and still lovely (touching lots of wood) but I do have lots of sympathy for parents with difficult children and I can understand what it feels like to be at your wits' end. So I don't blame the parents for feeling despairing or that they can't cope any longer. But I do think that sending their DD to boarding school (and actually telling her it's a punishment - how is that going to help?) is the wrong solution.

I think they would be better changing her to a different local school and spending lots of quality time with her.

I think you should try and build a relationship with her. Go and have fun with her

Haha - yes, my youngest in nearly 13 and I brace myself daily waiting for the monster emerge! I have high hopes for him though. It's luck of the draw. I have seen it many times - you can parent all your children the same and some will breeze through the teenage years remaining human, charming, and capable of reasonable negotiation and empathy whilst others forcibly strap you into a hellish rollercoaster and refuse to let you off for several years, by which time you feel like a spent husk of a person.

hermaj you have met my daughter then she is a grown up now but i was exhasuted by the time she was 16 , dd2 isnt such a challenge but there is still time

I thin it is perfectly right and proper for parents to try to resolve their DC's difficulties by removing them from their triggers IYSWIM.

But whether boarding school is the right way to do it...

Why does it have to be a boarding school? Could they not just find another school locally - maybe a private day one with longer hours (or weekly boarding) so that she is not left to her own devices too much. I think full boarding seems a bit excessive.

I think being sent away from home as a punishment is not right at all. If she is not happy about it any eating disorder or behavioral problem will just get worse. Also, if she resents her parents things could be ten times worse when she leaves school and has the freedom to do what she wants.

If they go ahead they need to make the school appear like a good thing and an opportunity.

I doubt that the decision has been made on a whim. Boarding school fees aren't cheap and I expect that everything else that has been tried has failed so this is an alternative. If I were your SIL I would tell you to butt out too. How would you feel if your SIL was to interfere with your parenting of your 7 yr old?

Out of sight, out of mind

I think it's avoiding the problems, not facing them by sending them away.

her away*

Each to their own as far as it being a boarding school, but to make it out as a punishment is going to cause no end of resentment and, at 14, could damage this girl's relationship with her parents irreparably. She won't evert truly reside at home again as a child, presuming she'll be there through sixth form until she's 18.

There are no boundaries the school could enforce that the parents can't also, though admittedly it may be easier for the school to do that.

At 14, she needs to be viewing any educational establishment as somewhere she can grow and develop, not as a prison - which is of course exactly as it's being used by her parents.

I think using a boarding school as a means of enforcing greater discipline in a child could work very well, but only if handled very differently to the way this family have done so.

If you are concerned about your DN's eating habits, please contact the school about it in advance. You can tell them that you don't want the parents to know you've called about it, but it is every adult's responsibility to look out for a child they know may be having difficulty, regardless of the parents wishes. Too much harm has been allowed to go unchecked because of 'minding your own business'.