That society is unfair about breastfeeding and mums

[pommedechocolat]

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't...

I would define myself as m/c and live in a nice area in the south by the way (although both dh and myself come from w/c parents with the traditional suspicion of bf in all forms for their generation).

With dd1 bf 'failed' and she was ff from 8 weeks. I felt that I was looked down upon for my method of feeding at various baby groups, I also felt very guilty about the choices I'd made as time went on. With dd2 I am still ebf at 18 weeks despite the silent reflux and cmpi she's currently being diagnosed with and the resulting boob phobia we've gone through.

I feel that I am part of the 'club' I'd felt excluded from by ff (and everyone nods approvingly when you say you're bf still) but at the same time viewed as slightly 'icky' when I feed in public (especially as standing up and odd positions etc with the boob phobia). It's strange with parents and ils too as I am the first in either family to even really try bf.

It seems that as women we are expected to lay down everything for our children to give them the best start but to not do it in front of anyone (or talk about the downsides such as leaking, engorgement etc at all).

I'm not starting a ff vs bf thread here just frustrated by societies attitudes to me as a woman on yet another frigging issue as I make my way through life!

Oh who bloody cares how you feed your baby! Honestly! Obviously breast is best and all that crap, but as long as baby is well looked after... warm, content, has a fully tummy and a dry nappy... that's surely all that should matter?

Being a mother is hard enough without having to justify yourself to others. I couldn't give two hoots about how others feed their baby, just get on with it, don't rub it in peoples faces or hide it from people, and enjoy your baby.

Very few people actually care very much about how parents choose to feed their babies TBH.

It can be disappointing for some people when they realise that they are not causing a big fuss so they try and find things to be offended about.

i think maybe you are thinking too mcuh about what other people are thinking!

i am sure you weren't looked down on (although admittedly i felt the same when formula feeding ds1).. the vast, vast majority of people do not give a shit how you feed your child, and the ones that do would not look down on a mother who had tried and not managed to feed her baby.
I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate, and when I hear about people "failing#2 to breastfeed (including myself with ds1) I don't look down on them, or judge them, I mostly feel cross that they haven't had the support they need to carry on.

Likewise with the breastfeeding. Just do it, most people don't care if you're feeding your baby and the ones that do aren't worth the time of day!

stop worrying about everyone else and just think about what you and your baby want :)

Couldn't agree more AllYours.

Seriously I think a lot of this is in the Mother's head.

I've had 3 kids (all FF by choice) and no-one has expressed an opinion either way fortunately for them

Will this EVER stop? WHO CARES!

You are right - whatever you choose people often have weird ideas about you and your abilities as a mother.

It defo annoys me too that generally talking about any kind of breastfeeding related thing is sort of a bit hush hush, almost like, "oh you've got breasts? I hadn't noticed! Hide them, quick!"

Most people don't care, but I got comments about formula feeding. Also, there was a recent thread on bf in public and plenty of people had various gripes about bf in public. So these type of views certainly exist as well.

If its happens on my next baby I'm ready for them as I have a lot more confidence now.

I'm another one who really isn't bothered by how people feed their babies, it's none of my business. I breast fed mine that was right for me if next door chooses to have hers wet nursed by her cat/dog/hippotomus it's no consern of mine.

thisisyesterday - but if you felt that too then a feeling of being judged does exist on some level quantifiable or otherwise.

Maybe this belongs in feminism actually? I think what I/m trying to say is that I'm not sure it would be like this if men were the ones with boobs!

I saw the comments on that thread too WhoPickle, My opinion on it is there will always be some numpties in the world but the majority couldn't care less.

oh i felt it... i just think it was me being paranoid, i don't think it actually exists.

i do get what you're saying though.
you're being told that you should breastfeed, and then when you do you're being told that you shouldn't do it where anyone can see

which is exactly why you should ignore "them" and do what is right for you and your baby

Was probably all in your head OP - I have never given a flying fuck about how anybody else fed their baby or encountered anyone who cared greatly about what I did.

I think if you're all uptight and hand-wringy and guilt-ridden about bf then, yes, you are going to imagine all sorts of slights.

I get where you're coming from pomme. There are such a lot of conflicting messages about feeding.

One the one hand, it's all "nature's way is best", encourages the baby to bond, improved immune system, helps you lose the baby weight, rhetoric. On the other hand it's still not the norm to BF in public and FF is sold as a way of liberating mothers and involving fathers.

If BF goes wrong, there is hardly ANY support for women out there. And certainly not unless they go actively pursuing it - which let's face it, is going to be difficult immediately post-birth. Most MWs aren't specially trained.

Nancy your lucky then, some people DO care, and some people DO comment.

I don't think that anyone cares -you are over thinking it.

Sad thing is people DO care, even if it isnt many. You only have to look at almost any thread on the matter here to see that.

The answer is not to care yourself and tell any odd nosy twat that you might encounter to fuck off.

Which isnt always easy especially as a first timer.

I think when you have a small baby it can FEEL like you are being judged and then when their toddlers nobody talks about feeding as its no longer relevant. But then you FEEL like your being judged on dicipline or how well your child eats etc. Then you can FEEL like your being judged on how they are doing at school, exams, university, carrer choice etc! It never ends if you care about people not approving of your parenting styles and choices, and I think lots of us do seek approval to make us feel we are doing it right!

People who do judge others and compare them to themselves are doing so to justify why their choices are the right ones! I think its just part of human nature!

It's been years since my own were BF and no one asks how you were fed on job applications or a CRB check. I couldn't really give a toss how anyone else is feeding their child right now.

But, this is like lots of new mother issues - feeding, co-sleeping, feeding on demand v routine, crying it out... These issues (that the rest of society doesn't spare a second thought about) are really important when it's you and your child going through them at a specific moment in time. You've only got to have witnessed some of the threads on here to know that.

The truth is that only new mothers and HCPs probably care about this issue. But in a way, that kind of proves what the OP is saying, doesn't it? If no one gives a shit, why is so much pressure put on new mums about feeding?

People don't care.

Perhaps the 'appalling' rates as you put it are because women are more confident in their choices and men are taking more responsibility for feeding too.

I think more people 'care and judge' on MN than anywhere else in the world to be honest