That society is unfair about breastfeeding and mums

[pommedechocolat]

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't...

I would define myself as m/c and live in a nice area in the south by the way (although both dh and myself come from w/c parents with the traditional suspicion of bf in all forms for their generation).

With dd1 bf 'failed' and she was ff from 8 weeks. I felt that I was looked down upon for my method of feeding at various baby groups, I also felt very guilty about the choices I'd made as time went on. With dd2 I am still ebf at 18 weeks despite the silent reflux and cmpi she's currently being diagnosed with and the resulting boob phobia we've gone through.

I feel that I am part of the 'club' I'd felt excluded from by ff (and everyone nods approvingly when you say you're bf still) but at the same time viewed as slightly 'icky' when I feed in public (especially as standing up and odd positions etc with the boob phobia). It's strange with parents and ils too as I am the first in either family to even really try bf.

It seems that as women we are expected to lay down everything for our children to give them the best start but to not do it in front of anyone (or talk about the downsides such as leaking, engorgement etc at all).

I'm not starting a ff vs bf thread here just frustrated by societies attitudes to me as a woman on yet another frigging issue as I make my way through life!

I'm not sure that society has an opinion on how to feed babies. Individuals do, but people who don't have babies close to them don't tend to care how babies are fed.

I never felt judged for bfing in public at all.

I didn't mind bf in public when she tiny wee and before the issues kicked in. maybe I'm sore about feeding in public because it's board in this specific case.

I think I have been surprised in general at how many thorny issues there are to do with being a mum and how hard it is when by society as a whole it is an unappreciated role.

I think that too much pressure is applied to new mothers regarding the feeding of their babies. I passionately wanted to BF but my baby wouldn't / couldn't latch on and I produced no milk. At least eight midwives and maternity nurses over four shifts couldn't help us. I left hospital with a baby who hadn't fed and no FF equipment. I was given no advice about FF and I knew nothing about it because 'breast is best' was the only message I was given ante and post nataly. My NHS post natal information booklet has several pages on BF but none on FF. It also says the people who should not share a bed with their baby are smokers, drinkers, drug users and FF mothers. It says BF mothers automatically sleep facing their babies while FF mothers don't. In short I was made to feel like a failure, that I was virtually poisoning my baby and as though I wouldn't care for my baby enough.

"who cares" who cares?!? mothers who go through hell and high water to do their best for their baby care, mothers who receive very little support care. It's not hard to see why mothers feel the way the OP does by reading some of the responses.

You need to stop thinking about feeding your baby as having anything to do with feeling the need to belong to a club of some kind. Make friends you genuinely like and get on with elsewhere.

i bf all of my kids beyond 6 months. and im more than happy to have any convo with you about any breastfeeding related issue.

so purely because im lonely atm and theres nothing good on the telly and im freely availible to talk about leaking breasts anytime you wish to discuss them YABU.
fyi try the washable breast pads from boots there a fiver for 3 and do seriously get softer the more you wash them and they dont stink like normal breast pads do

My DSs are 13 and 10. I never even think about how they were fed.

Just do your best, whichever works for you, and don't stress about it. Ignore any negative comments.

Whatever you do as a parent, people judge you on. FF v's BF, SAHM v's WOHM, co-sleeping v's cot, private school v's state school, butlins v's camping. You make the decisions that are right for you and your family. After that it is no-one else's business. (Do you hear that MIL!!)

I agree with you to a certain extent.

Please don't say you failed to breastfeed your first though - you fed her for 8 weeks, you breastfed her.

Inore those who judge, they have the ishoos, not you. There is very little difference in outcome in the West, do what works for you.

I think you should read this article.

I agree with it in the idea that it's all become completely politicised and that "Everything has got very heated, and very moralised. How you feed your kids is no longer a personal decision. There's this idea that you can breastfeed your way out of poverty, or if you don't breastfeed your kid's going to be fat or have a low IQ"

Id also challenge the idea that negativity against breast feeding is a feminist issue, I would think feminists would be against breast feeding.

no, feminists are not against breastfeeding.

The thing is there are also small minorities of people who think socks on a baby make you an evil mother and another small minority of people who think socks off make you neglectful too.

Why do we never have endless debates about these awful people too?

Funny how so many people think others don't care how babies are fed when I see the opposite... Many women just won't say it but do care how babies are fed. I care that breastfeeding rates are low in this country and that the importance of breastfeeding and it's benefits is not valued enough by enough women.

But I'm not allowed to say that am I for fear of 'offending' those who are too delicate and dont want to hear such a view. I like saying little babies being breastfed where possible and think that if a woman can Breastfeed she should, or should do her best to do so. But again, this will have some people up in arms but that's how I, and many others feel.

Seeing not saying

I care how people feed their babies because it is my job to care (infant feeding specialist) however even I only care as far as caring that all parents make an informed choice about how to feed their baby and get enough support to enable them to achieve their feeding choices.

I don't care if someone has made an informed choice to formula feed. I do care if someone has chosen to breastfeed and it hasn't worked out because they got crappy advice.

I BF my DCs in public until they were 1,5 years old. Wherever I went, no matter how crowded. No one, not one single person, even bat an eyelid! After a couple of weeks you're so used to it, noone even notices when you BF...

People definitely judge.

My mother actively chose not to breastfeed for personal reasons even though she could. She was consistently called a bad mother by her sisters and bullied by her midwife. A few years ago a work colleague informed her my MH issues stemmed from not being BFed!!!

I despise mummy wars.

I couldn't breastfeed my son & I think a lot of how I felt was a reaction on my part, I felt like a failure, rather than society's reaction. I was very defensive about it, felt like I was being demonised & that breast is best was constantly being forced down my throat. Looking back though I think a lot of this was in my head. Dealing with being unable to breastfeed is difficult (or it was for me) you can't help but blame your body for not doing what it's supposed to & I think you project that onto society.

But most people think that being told you are discreet when feeding in public or people not realising you are feeding at all is the ultimate 'aim' don't they? Doesn't that say it all?

We should be able to wap them out however we wish a la page 3 of the sun.

I haven't joined a bf group but have seen several counsellors. Not sure there is a bf group near me?

Why would you want to 'wap them out'?

I think it depends where you are in the country. I had DS1 in south west London where there was an awful lot of competitiveness about all sorts of baby-related issues. I don't think most people felt passionately about BFing for its own sake - I think it was just another way to be "better" at parenting than someone else.

I had massive problems BFing DS1 and did get some comments/judging. One newly-qualified HV made some comments about "doing better next time" and was actually spoken to by the specialist BFing HV who had been involved in the massive group effort to get DS1 feeding properly. Another mum at a class I went to kept on and on about me stopping at 4 months and kept telling me what I should have done differently.

The most obviously unpleasant was a woman at a BLW talk I went to at our local children's centre. When I gave DS1 a bottle during the talk she openly criticised FFing, saying that she didn't understand why anyone wouldn't BF because she could calm her baby instantly without having to "resort" to a bottle. When I mentioned how much milk DS1 was drinking (about 60oz a day) she sneered and said "Well I bet [her baby] would drink that to if I kept shoving a bottle in his mouth."

So yes, it does happen, but as someone said upthread, it's not "society" to blame, it is individuals latching on (pardon the pun) to BFing as another way to compete with others. Those who genuinely feel passionately about promoting BFing and helping others tend to be a lot more sensitive.

I now live somewhere where there is better support but less competitiveness and people just tend to get on with it with less comment.

I forgot to say - I am currently on holiday up north where I grew up. For some reason I had it in my head that people would be a lot more critical about BFing in public, but I have had nothing but positive comments. Some elderly ladies in a cafe started talking about how nice it was to see a baby being BF and half the cafe joined in with baby feeding stories. They also liked my sling!