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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say something about SIL's baby plans

138 replies

nomorethan2thankyou · 04/07/2012 12:18

ok bit of background. SIL (DHs sister) has 2DCs and we have two DCs. she is a single mum, absolutely lovely and loves her children more than anything. however, she does have a range of health issues which mean that me and DH help her with looking after her DCs a lot (at least one day every weekend and over school hoidays with her eldest). we are happy to do this because she really needs the help and her two DCs are lovely and get on with ours really well, but we do find it exhausting with them altogether. she does struggle with them at home, especially when her youngest DS was a little baby and did need help from the family a lot.
well at the weekend, she told us that she had decided she was going to have another baby by having one night stands until she got pregnant basically. i think she expected us to be pleased for her. we just kind of froze and didn't know what to say. she thinks she can manage it (i think she has forgotten how hard she found it when her youngest DS was newborn) because she knows she has help from family (DHs parents help her out all week with her DCs).
not only are we worried about the risks she is taking with her health and her managing on her own with 3DCs, but we are also worried about PIL managing (in their 60s with their own health issues). she is also heavilly in debt and gets by on her overdraft, so we do worry about her coping financially as well.
DH thinks she is being selfish and feels angry with her. i feel sorry for her because i know she isn't happy and desperately wants something to make her happy (i think she may be a bit depressed, which is making it harder for her to manage her current health issues, although i don't think it would be a good idea for me to say anything). PIL just desperately want her to be happy and will always help her out when she needs them no matter what, although i'm certain they don't believe it is a good idea.
the fact is although DH and I are happy to help her out with her two DCs, realistically we all know as time goes on and it becomes more difficult for her and PIL she is going to be relying on us more and more to help. we love them and are happy to take on more of an active role with them. but the fact is we couldn't manage to help in this way if she had another one, 4DCs together is hard enough for us (we only had 2DCs oursleves for a reason!). we know it is her decision, but surely if you know you are going to rely on help from others then you need to consider them as well?
i know she will carry out her plan and will get pregnant. don't know what to do. do we say anything? do we tell her that we can't manage to look after all 5 and if she does have another one she'll have to sort something else out (thats what DH thinks we should do but i know if we withdrew that support it would only make more work for PIL), do we need to get a bit tough and do as another family member has said and tell her to stop being selfish? really don't know what to do but we cannot manage with helping her with anymore children. that might make us the selfish ones but we can't change that.
sorry about the length of this post.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 04/07/2012 12:22

Gosh - you seem really kind and helpful, and she is now taking the p*. You need to tell her so.

EasilyBored · 04/07/2012 12:25

If she has one night stands until she gets pregnant, a baby might not be the worst thing she catches.

samandi · 04/07/2012 12:25

Definitely say you won't be able to help with any more! Might be better coming from DH about PIL though. She sounds very selfish, depression is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

Indith · 04/07/2012 12:26

Bloody hell she must be be feeling very low/confused/depressed to be thinking of something so utterly stupid. Quite apart from the fact that if she goes around having one night stands to get pregnant she could end up with a darn sight more than just a baby. Ask her how her kids would feel if she found her HIV test came back positive as well as her pregnancy test.

sugarice · 04/07/2012 12:26

Yes she is being completely and utterly selfish and totally irresponsible. You do need to tell her that you won't be her crutch if she manages to get pregnant again. It sounds a terribly hard situation for you all but it will get worse if she goes ahead with this mad plan and you must tell her this.

cocolepew · 04/07/2012 12:27

Someone needs to sit her down and tell her straight out why this is a stupid selfish idea. Do you think she might need anti depressants if she isnt happy?
Im boggling at this.

ohmygosh123 · 04/07/2012 12:28

Withdraw help for a month - and tell her she needs to check she can cope, because you know that you will not be able to help out with three, as two extra are wearing you out as it is. Maybe she will remember?

Also talk to ILs - if they tell her they can't cope either and will have to withdraw their help, then maybe she'll realise its a bad plan.

Seems selfish to me anyway - as effectively she is treating a baby like a commodity - what will he / she think when grown up and finds out they were conceived from a series of one night stands with father unknown?!

I think being blunt, is being cruel to be kind. And remember your role is not to support her in every choice she makes. Good luck!

Original poster

nomorethan2thankyou · 04/07/2012 12:29

i really don't understand it. believe it or not she is actually very intelligent (first in her degree, has a good job). when it comes to life choices though, some of her choices have been unbelievable.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/07/2012 12:30

I dont understand how anyone can say nothing to people when they come up with such ridiculous ideas. I certainly wouldnt stay quiet.I would be telling her very clearly that she needs her head testing to even think about doing this, and that you will not be her free childcare and support if she goes ahead.

pumpkinsweetie · 04/07/2012 12:30

Someone, maybe your Dh need to sit her down and tell her that aids and a lot of other nasties could be coming to her instead.
What if she does get pregnant?, who is going to help her out when she has three?
You have helped her out enough but for her to delibratley get pregnant, when she cannot cope with the two dcs she already has is very childish & selfish

rockinhippy · 04/07/2012 12:32

Ditto what OMG123 has said - she needs a reality check & PDQ

3teenhell · 04/07/2012 12:32

Someone needs to make her see this is not a good idea at all.
I don't think you are at all selfish, you already do alot. But as you said you only had 2 DC for a reason.
Will PIL be able to talk any sense into her?
She is putting her health at risk and her DC if she brings a stranger to the house when they are there.
I suspect you are right with thinking she is depressed, could you get her to see a doctor?

AKMD · 04/07/2012 12:33

I couldn't stay quiet on this, YANBU. What a completely stupid, irresponsible, selfish thing to do.

lastnerve · 04/07/2012 12:34

Easilybored totally!

She may end up with AIDS and a baby, or any other STI, how would she cope with a very ill /disabled baby is if she caught syphillis??? which crossed the placenta.

And also if she has time to be so promiscuous surely shes not that busy? maybe if she had more responsibility of her own kids she would look after the ones she already has.

Ephiny · 04/07/2012 12:34

Why would she tell you she plans to do this? Is this attention-seeking behaviour? Do you think she would actually do it?

You would be quite reasonable to say you won't be able to provide childcare for another baby. It's up to your PIL to decide how much help they're willing to offer.

Original poster

nomorethan2thankyou · 04/07/2012 12:35

ohmygosh - that is a good idea in theory but really we know for that to work we would need PIL to be on board, otherwise they would end up helping her instead. i don't thin she has really considered whats going to happen in 10 years when they are likely to find it more of a struggle (i know this sounds terrible, but they will be in their 70s then, one or both of them could even be dead)

OP posts:

WenTheEternallySurprised · 04/07/2012 12:35

You'd be completely right to make it very clear that you will not at any stage be able to look after another child of hers. In fact, ohmygosh has a good idea, withdrawing help might make her focus in the realities of having a third child.

If you wanted to be more tactful you could say that she will be alone in this one as you'll be moving to a distant part of the country within the next 12 months because DH's company are relocating (and when that doesn't happen, well, that's ruddy businesses for you, always changing their minds. ).

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/07/2012 12:35

Def agree a baby is not the worst thing she can catch and maybe spread further. Shocking!

starfishmummy · 04/07/2012 12:36

Good Grief! I agree that she could be depressed and really this isn't going to help her at all. But she probably won't listen to anything you say!

catus · 04/07/2012 12:39

You and DH have to be honest with her. No need to be mean or judgmental, but you have to be clear and firm about the support you'll be able to give her.
She is being selfish to her parents, to you and to her hypothetical child.
And if she is depressed, a string of one night stands and a baby is really not advisable. The physical health risks are also very real.
It must be hard for you and DH, but there is no way I would just accept it and be her crutch forevermore. It is twisted and unhealthy.

Original poster

nomorethan2thankyou · 04/07/2012 12:40

the quietness was through absolute shock more than anything.

i wish i believed it was just attention seeking behaviour. we believe she did this with DC2 (she was delighted when she found out she was pregnant and not suprised at all, even though they had apparently used contraception). obviously we don't know for definite, but, well, we just know

OP posts:

pjmama · 04/07/2012 12:41

You need to talk to ILs and convince them to present a united front - sell it to them that it's for her own good.

MulberryMoon · 04/07/2012 12:42

I would say to her "We can't manage to look after another child and your parents are in their 60s and have health issues, so would struggle too, so if you do decide to have another one, you will need to manage them yourself."

Icelollycraving · 04/07/2012 12:42

Is she unwell? It makes no sense at all & I think you need to be completely honest with her. Tell her you have your own family & you are happy to help with one & occasionally but no three extra kids.
She needs a reality check. Who is going to be babysitting whilst she's off fucking about? Er,you!
The men that would sleep on a one night stand with no protection are not going to be exactly dream daddy material,she could well end up with more than a pregnancy but could affect the baby in pregnancy. Thoroughly selfish,deluded & the old mn favourite entitled.

Pootles2010 · 04/07/2012 12:44

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her your concerns, starting with you being concerned that you will not be able to look after more than two, and also how having another one will impact upon her existing health issues.

Maybe try to steer conversation towards why she wants another, try to tease out of her if she's feeling a bit depressed then offer her support with that?

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