ok bit of background. SIL (DHs sister) has 2DCs and we have two DCs. she is a single mum, absolutely lovely and loves her children more than anything. however, she does have a range of health issues which mean that me and DH help her with looking after her DCs a lot (at least one day every weekend and over school hoidays with her eldest). we are happy to do this because she really needs the help and her two DCs are lovely and get on with ours really well, but we do find it exhausting with them altogether. she does struggle with them at home, especially when her youngest DS was a little baby and did need help from the family a lot.
well at the weekend, she told us that she had decided she was going to have another baby by having one night stands until she got pregnant basically. i think she expected us to be pleased for her. we just kind of froze and didn't know what to say. she thinks she can manage it (i think she has forgotten how hard she found it when her youngest DS was newborn) because she knows she has help from family (DHs parents help her out all week with her DCs).
not only are we worried about the risks she is taking with her health and her managing on her own with 3DCs, but we are also worried about PIL managing (in their 60s with their own health issues). she is also heavilly in debt and gets by on her overdraft, so we do worry about her coping financially as well.
DH thinks she is being selfish and feels angry with her. i feel sorry for her because i know she isn't happy and desperately wants something to make her happy (i think she may be a bit depressed, which is making it harder for her to manage her current health issues, although i don't think it would be a good idea for me to say anything). PIL just desperately want her to be happy and will always help her out when she needs them no matter what, although i'm certain they don't believe it is a good idea.
the fact is although DH and I are happy to help her out with her two DCs, realistically we all know as time goes on and it becomes more difficult for her and PIL she is going to be relying on us more and more to help. we love them and are happy to take on more of an active role with them. but the fact is we couldn't manage to help in this way if she had another one, 4DCs together is hard enough for us (we only had 2DCs oursleves for a reason!). we know it is her decision, but surely if you know you are going to rely on help from others then you need to consider them as well?
i know she will carry out her plan and will get pregnant. don't know what to do. do we say anything? do we tell her that we can't manage to look after all 5 and if she does have another one she'll have to sort something else out (thats what DH thinks we should do but i know if we withdrew that support it would only make more work for PIL), do we need to get a bit tough and do as another family member has said and tell her to stop being selfish? really don't know what to do but we cannot manage with helping her with anymore children. that might make us the selfish ones but we can't change that.
sorry about the length of this post.