To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

But he said he want their children to be brought up tge same as her daughter, it's only after having tge baby he's now saying she has to go to work.

Let´s clarify, the DP is paying for rent that keeps the roof over his own head. He is actively not supporting her or his new baby in any way. The OP specifically states that along with rent he also pays his own bills and child maintenance for another child and that she doesn't use any of his income to live on whether for her or his child. She pays for any childcare, everything for DD1 and their new baby, and for food and some bills.

He has a very well paid job and she is a part time student with their new baby to care for as well as a school age child. He is far from a supportive partner.

I wouldn´t be feeling grateful that he pays the rent. That has nothing to do with supporting the OP (though it is kind of nice that Trixy gives the DP the benefit of the doubt). This seems beyond just a normal settling in to new way of organising your finances kind of phase. The DP has been forced to pay child maintenance for his other child and the OP seems to just accept that he does not support the child he has had with her. She never even questions that!

Trixy, your last post is a massive over-simplification. It´s a nonsense frankly.

The OP has been far too reasonable imo, so much so she has absolved her DP of all responsibility for his new family. She´s now realised this and is trying to re-address the balance.

The OP is continuing her education, this is a huge investment in her future career. The DP was aware of this from the beginning. He wants a second child with her immediately and there is a third child in the mix for the OP to support. The OP is going to have a very busy time of it; she is not flouncing off demanding the right to be a lady of leisure. The DP seems to want to have his cake and eat it. He wants a growing family without making any contribution to it either financially or in practical terms.

I wonder what he meant by having the new baby brought up just like DD.

Because he might be thinking in terms of outcome (I want her to be just as nice), rather than process (I want you to replicate the exact circumstances).

Whatever his thought process though, it sounds like you are overdue a further proper sit down to thrash out all the factors in this, and work out the way ahead that is most likely to give the best outcome for all of you. Factors relating to his work (job security, desire to reduce hours to spend more time with the DCs etc) need to be taken into account on an equal footing with the factors relating to OP's situation.

Hi, I'm back :)

wannabedomesticgoddess The maintenance he pays is to his ex, not me!

hairytale He expects that I will work full-time when my degree is completed which will be in April 2014 and support myself and the children in the meantime.

kuros Precisely, his rent isn't increased by myself and the children, he'd have that cost whether we were there or not.

EdithWeston He doesn't want his lifestyle to change at all - i.e. cutting down hours etc.

jenrose Have you sat him down and explained how unfair it is to expect you to do and pay everything for his (as well as your) children?

Does he know the sums of how much this would all be?

As i said earlier, my DP was a bit similar insofar as he had no idea that nursuries even charged (thought we lived in some utopia where the state provided free childcare - Denmark perhaps?), he also thought i would still get my wages for the whole mat leave (reality is i get nothing apart from smp). And that we would get child benefits. Too much daily mail bullshit i think.

Every time i sat him down and explained it all (complete with spreadsheet) he looked horrified and seemed to understand. Then a couple of weeks later he'd say so when are you going back to work. SIGH.

I kept having to explain it calmly over and over. Till the reality eventually sunk in (despite discussing it thoroughly before we started trying). So now we have a joint bank account too.

It was very hard work tho and often i just thought why am i here/bothering.

As an earlier poster said, i had to explain to DP that if i actually was single (or with a lower paid man who worked 9-5 hours) i would get child allowance, tax credits and support with housework/childcare. I had to tell him that with his level of input i would effectively be a single mum but without any of the 'perks' (not saying it's a fab life at all).

Well thats even worse then. He pays for that child because he has to. But sees being with you as a get out claus.

You have to honestly ask yourself why she is an ex....

Have mo more DCs until this man sorts his attitude out!!!!

Sorry, he sounds like a twat. He wants children but to take no part in either doing the childcare or paying for it? Have I misunderstood something??

"hairytale He expects that I will work full-time when my degree is completed which will be in April 2014 and support myself and the children in the meantime."

Bloody hell, that's awful! Op, can't you see how awful that is? FGS don't have another baby with this man unless you can sort out his attitude, which I'm sadly beginning to doubt that you can.

YANBU - I think he is being unreasonable as you didn't work when you met and you only had one child then. So why does he suddenly expect you to work full time when you have 2 or maybe even 3 children.

Why woukd you be even considering having another child with a man that gives you so little support OP?

And to those of you wailing that the OP would be getting propped up by the state as a LP - the rules for benefits for students (even lone parents) are different to other out of work claimants. The first thing she'd be expected to do would be to apply for a student loan, and she may run into problems as she obviously has savings.

That's not to say that OP's dp shouldn't be paying his share, but there is no need for the thinly veiled benefit bashing re; how much better LPs get it

OP, I am perplexed.
You are only 26, the world is your oyster, you are so young.
Please think about the future. Make a plan of where you want to be in 5 to 10 years and work towards that plan.

Firstly: please do not give up your degree! Please try to find a job once you complete it, otherwise it will be such a waste.
Secondly: Please don't have any more children for now. It is hard enough with 2, to get back on the career ladder.
Thirdly: Talk frankly to your partner. Are you a family or just housemates? A family looks after each other and plan for a future together. He needs to treat you and your children as his family, he needs to support you financially while you study and have a small baby.

Sorry I can't read the whole thread. I got to page 4 but I've got jobs to do! I just wanted to say, sorry op, your DP sounds like a knob and especially given that you aren't married to him (so he could, god forbid, just leave you high and dry) you need to keep going with your studied and get maybe a pt role. I wouldn't trust him. He hasn't a clue. Secondly WTAF is going on with the price of childcare in the UK? Thirdly, I do think that Sahp is not my strong suit and I would love to get back to work (blush)

bamboozled as to why you would have a child with someone when there are such significant differences of opinions/expectations.

he wants you to work full time - you don't want to
he expects you to foot the bill for childcare costs (this is unreasonable)
finances etc are not shared

this doesn't really seem like a proper partnership and certainly not one to bring kids in to.

OP you need to get these issues resolved before you have any more kids!

suggest:
-you don't have any more children at present - get your course finished first
-you work part time when you finish your course - thats the compromise between you on him wanting you to work f/t and you not wanting to
-you sort your finances out so you are partners financially for your shared children
-you reach agreement on key issues before having any more kids
-you work on your decision making skills - you say you discussed childcare costs before having kids but he doesn't accept it etc - you need to sort out the fundamentals!

I see that you're 26, OP, and you plan to have another DC and you would wish to stay at home until they are the same age as your DD1. As the next DC is as yet unborn, let's assume this is another 6 years. That takes you to 32.

Do you have any idea how hard it will be to start a career in your thirties?

OP, have you ever worked? Ever at all? Because starting in the world of work at 32 with no work is not going to be easy for you.

so... he pays maintenance for another child he has with a previous wife/girlfriend but doesn't want to contribute in any way financially towards the one he has with you? Honestly? Please don't have another baby with this man.

Perhaps the best way to get the life you desire would be to leave him, get state benefits and take him to court for maintenance?

I know lots of people who have successfully started careers in their thirties and much older. In many careers life experience is a bonus..

"I don't understand how I can be expected to work full-time, raise 3 (+) children pretty much singlehandedly whilst covering all childcare, plus other, costs."

You can't. It's not reasonable at all.

Spuddybean He has no idea either, though I have explained it numerous times. He thinks I'm looking at worst case scenarios, but the costs of childcare are simple fact and only set to rise by the time I'd start work. I definitely won't be giving up on my course - his idea behind having a third child asap is that potentially they would be 2 before I started work full-time and so cheaper for childcare (and closer to free funding) than a baby plus then no need to go on maternity leave for a third baby. givemeaclue I thought of part time work as a compromise but in order to earn enough to make this worthwhile I'd need to travel, which then costs more money and then he can't help with taking/collecting the kids from nursery/childminder/school making it difficult to arrange logistically. Yes Hopefullyrecovering I worked full-time until I had my daughter.

It's sad that he sees money as more important than his children having time with their parents. Yanbu, what does he say when you tell him you don't want them at nursery all the time etc? If you don't need the money then it's ofc best not to work surely.

I think he finds the idea of me being SAHM hard as he and his ex wife both worked shifts and her mum had the kids pretty much 24/7. However we have no outside help and I think he finds actually having kids around as unusual. He and his ex wife were quite materialistic, whereas I am not. They formula fed/cried it out, I BF and we co-sleep. It is a big change for him and I think the reality of having children, financially and otherwise, hasn't hit him yet.

surely he understands the concept that having children costs money if he has children with his previous wife and is paying her maintenence for them?

Does he/did he contribute to their childcare costs?

Krumbum He says he doesn't earn enough to support us, but £40,000 per year when rent is only £400 and he has no cost of petrol etc to get to work is a decent salary I think.

Training to be a teacher is pretty full on and then you have your NQT year. You will have to do you NQT year full time. (As someone who started and gave up a PGCE in the middle) I think you should not jepodise your teacher training or passing your NQT year by getting pregnant. My PGCE came to an end when I had three weeks off because of having flu and I missed too much time with my son being ill. School placements are far more full on than uni lectures.

I expect your cheapest way to provide childcare for three small children would be to have nanny. However it would eat up your entire salary.

Just to ask a question. Do you enjoy being with your partner. What has he got to offer you and your children?

DuelingFanjo As I said above, his mother in law had them all the time so it was free and now his ex doesn't work.