To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

OP you need to get to the bottom of WHY he wants you so desperately to cover all your own costs and the baby's. Also, why he wants you to NOT be at home with the dcs, who will miss you and you, them. Is he jealous? Defensive? Pragmatic? Controlling? Modern? Greedy?

Until you find out his motivation our opinions will be based only on moralistic judgement.

He's being selfish.
Being a sahm is a full time job, albeit a lovely one.

I love how a man gets called selfish and controlling for wanting his partner to work yet the women is not selfish for expecting not to work whilst another provides her the luxury of not doing so!

He needs to split the childcare cost and the housework if you work but I dont see why he gets the default position of working as you dont want too. Thats not how life works.

Having no job when unmarried puts you in a dangerous position should the relationship break down and with no recent work experience you wont be first pick by employers when you need a job to support yourself.

YABU, the decision for one parent to SAH should be a joint decision. It's not fair to expect your DH to be the sole earner if he's not happy shouldering that responsibility on his own.

happymummy have you read the OP?
She's 26, at uni AND has a 4 week old

He is being called controlling because he does not want to contribute towrads childcare costs, his step daughter and possibly anything else related to the children. It appears (and I may be wrong) that he expects all responsibility for the dcs to go to the op.

Also he is demanding a return to work despite it not making economic sense due to costs of childcare and for the op to still manage to raise future dc the way she has the first one and so on

I am finding this thread really odd. If i understand this right the OP's partner cannot/will not share the responsibilities of the childcare/household, he will not pay towards childcare of his own children, earns enough to support the family and wants to work (loves his career) so why is the OP having a hard time?

If he's not happy being the sole earner then he will need to share the costs and chores. Otherwise it can't be fair on OP.

if he is earning so much that you can't get tax credits then he needs to take some financial responsibility for his kid. Does he have other children, you mention child maintenence? If I were you I absolutely would not be having another child with him as he clearly thinks he can't afford to support the children he already has.

and certain posters really do need to piss off with the 'being raised by nursery workers' bollox. Grow up and come back when you can engage in the real world like proper adults!

Can't you simply show him the sums? You won't earn enough to cover childcare costs so who will make up the difference if he won't pay a penny towards his children?

He sounds like a prick though, be wary of making yourself financially dependent upon him.

Spuddy I think this thread is just a victim of its title. "AIBU to not want to work". With 3 kids she certainly will be working, either for her kids or for someone else.

I really don't get why so many people think that women should have to work just so they can afford to leave their kids with someone else.

This particular man is being called 'selfisf' because he's been selfish. HappyMummy, I get the impression from th OP that her priorities are not paid employment at the moment, she has not asked for anyone's opinions on her career prospects. You say she does not get to choose whether she lives off someone else but at the moment he's choosing to live off her as she's providing the care for their baby whilst she's not at university. So it's ok for him to live off her but not for her to live off him!

They should be doing what's best for the family and that is not his priority. She wants to look after the children full time, the children need looking after. If he insists on her not doing that and someone else provides the care, the mother will be upset and stressed which is surely bad for the family. They can afford for her to be a SAHM, in this instance this will make for a happier family but the DP will be unhappy if she is a SAHM. The role of caring for the children in the day has to be done by someone, she wants to do it so why is the DP obstructing this? Why is he entitled to an outcome favourable to him?

'being' not 'been'

I think it is perfectly valid to want to stay at home and be a full time mum, just as it is equally valid to want to arrange good child care and work outside the home, part or full time (and of course some people need to financially even though they don't want to) but in an ideal world this should have been discussed and agreed before having children - and in your case OP you need to be on the same page about it before having any more children with your partner! It is a really big issue to have different opinions on and still plan children together, and it is BU to have more children before you have come to some agreement about it!

no way on earth would i work full time with little kids its not fair on them at all

And neither is having a roof over their head or food in their belly.....Good for you. However back in the real world its a necessity for a lot of people.

Does he live in tge real world? Have you shown him tge figures? Round my way Your talking £680 per month nursery ft, you'd then need before and/or after school clubs/childcare plus school hols.

Are you sure he wants another baby?

I don't understand why he believes the childcare is your sole responsibility? Is his name on the birth certificate? How much do you know about his ex and why is no longer with her? How much do you know about his attitude to his other children?

The distinction between a single parent and the OP is that the OP is not given the support of the state because her DP has good earnings, but she won't have access to those earnings.

If she were a lone parent on NMW, she'd be topped up by the state. As it is, she's have to try and survive just on her wages.

OP, I never say this, but take a step back and look at your posts. Why are you with this man? I'm horrified, really.He's not supporting you in any way.

OP are you still out there? How are you paying for the few hours at the childminder while you at uni, and for everything else for your children at, if you don't have student loan, don't have paid employment, and your DP is not supporting you or either child in any way at all financially? I guess he is paying your joint rent or mortgage but where is money for clothes, nappies etc. coming from now?

Is your DP really refusing to contribute in any way what so ever not only towards his step daughter but even more shockingly towards his biological child with you, despite the fact he is earning and you are still in a relationship, and not only that he wants you to get pregnant with another of his children? That part of this thread is surely vastly more relevant than whether you work when you finish your degree? Or does he want you to work full time whilst studying and with a small baby - some people might manage that but it is a huge ask.

The absolute key question in all this is why, at the very, very least, the OP's partner isn't at least financially supporting his own child to the tune of 50%, and is asking OP to have more children with him which he apparently has no intention of supporting financially at all... If this is really the case OP, for the first time ever in my MN history, I would politely suggest you leave the bastard :o

Seriously though nobody, male or female, can really think it's fine to have a child and contribute to it in no way whatsoever, not doing any childcare, nor even taking the child to childcare, and not contributing a penny - and then actively plan to do the same again with at least one more child! It's mad, surely??

I had DD1 shortly after leaving school. I had worked hard to earn a place at Cambridge but gave it up to bring up my baby. I got married and enjoyed being a SAHM; I found it really fulfilling. DD1 is now 4.5 and at school and I have divorced and am now living with a new DP with whom I have a 4 week old baby.

I went back to my studies part time a few years ago and am now in Year 3 of a 4 year degree course, with a view to becoming a teacher. I want work that will fit in with my family responsibilities. I am completely financially independent from my DP. He has no role in paying for DD1 and feels no responsibility towards paying towards his own childs upbringing though he has a very well liked and established career that could support us all. He also has no time for our growing family. He would like to ttc another baby now (DD2 is 4 weeks old) but also wants me to work full time and pay for all child care. I think this is silly. No job will pay for wrap around school care for DD1 and full time child care for DD2 and DC3 but he will not listen to reason. I just want to SAH and be at home with my children for the time being as well as finish my degree, which I am half way through. He has the financial security to enable this. Money is not a problem for him.

AIBU to expect DP to support me in finishing my degree and bringing up the children? He thinks IABU and many friends on mumsnet think I should join the real world immediately, forget about my education and work for nothing, paying all any potential salary into childcare fees.

I just think in my real world DP should contribute financially towards the wellbeing of his family. If I were a single parent he would be obliged to support his child(ren) and I would be eligible for support from the state. Living together, he refuses any financial or practical support with the 2 DC.

Kuros are you jenrose (the OP)???

Yanbu for wanting to stay at home with the kids.

YABU given your circumstances: on paper, it seems that if you and your dp were to split up, he'd owe you nothing. I'm not saying this is good or bad, just recognising the fact that cohabitation doesn't have same rights as marriage.

To be honest, I always think that if a woman is going to be a sahm with a dp not a dh, she has to have some money of her own put aside.

I think if you are going to go down this route, you must get married to him.

Your situation is what marriage is for.

This has got NOTHING to do with moral judgement on your lifestyle. Rather it is just me telling you that you should watch out for yourself.

No I´m not (!!) I hope she has read this thread and it has given her a lot offood for thought.

I wrote my last post because I was just getting tired of all the ridiculous posts telling her to join the "real" world and join the workforce. I thought the post could be re-written so people get past the unfortunate title. Some posters don´t seem to have read past this.

kurose your post does put it all together - the first post in which the OP asked AIBU missed out the key fact that her DP felt he didn't need to contribute financially at all towards the living nor child care expenses of child he has with the OP, nor the child he hopes to start ttc with her (let alone her child from a previous relationship) - it makes the first post a red herring because it focusses on the emotional issue of SAHM v WOHM and doesn't even mention the spectacular financial disconnect her partner is pulling off!

simply write down the amount of childcare costs it would cost for your two children and a future child and say "that's how much I am saving you by not going to work"

Just as a ballpark, my 2 yo would cost me £880 a month in nursery and my 5 yo would need a CM or paid top and tail schoolday care.i.e around £40 a week plus 12 weeks full time care in school holidays.

Hang on, she said her DP was paying all the rent and some of the bills. Surely if he is paying all the rent then that is supporting the OP and his stepchild and the new baby. Their baby is 4 weeks old, so not much time to have NOT paid for his child. Have you been together long OP? It sounds to me like the kind of financial setup you have pre kids when you first get together and he needs to wake up and realise you are a family unit now.

I suspect he actually has no idea about the real cost of childcare and if you actually sit down with him and set out the cost of it versus the wage you could bring in then he might change his mind.

But I'd have been interested to see how different the thread would have been if he had been the one that said he didn't want to get a job and wanted to just be a SAHD and the OP would just have to support him and had no say in it........