Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work?

389 replies

jenrose29 · 01/07/2012 15:30

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Krumbum · 02/07/2012 15:17

Haha £40,000! He has enough and more to support his own family! I know people who do it on half of that! That is crazy selfish. Ive been reading the rest of the thread and he expects you to pay for everything for the family. Does he not care about his own child or their well being? Or you as his dp?
What the hell is he spending ALL his spare money on! I'd wanna know that.

Spuddybean · 02/07/2012 15:17

In that case jen i think you need to print off the tariff's from the nurseries, travel costs from the local authority websites etc. Give them to him and say if he can work out a way to make it worth your while you'll consider it. Either that or just vaguely say mmmm when he says anything. Your course doesn't end for 2 years so when you finish, if you are still in the same situation then do the sums and say the above.

Also don't rush the next baby just to save a bit of money in the short term. Tell him you would then need to pay more for childcare. You are young and have plenty of time for the 3rd baby.

DP and i are planning to start trying straight away because i am almost 36 but you have ages.

Also i had to tell DP that with his attitude to money and helping out i'd be better off alone. After numerous discussions getting nowhere said i would be leaving with the baby. He did a complete turn around and now is quite happy for me not to work outside the home and to share 'his' wages with us.

I know it sounds bizarre. and i'm not sure what profession your DP is but some people have no real contact with actual reality in these terms, and are then very surprised and it does take time to filter thru. Every male i know in their early 30's (all without children) presume nursery is free and mat leave is full wages etc (also all the men from my dad's generation i have spoken to think that too).

solidgoldbrass · 02/07/2012 15:18

Do you know why he split up with his ex? I think it might be worth finding out, because he is sounding more and more of a bad bet: he seems to think that children (and women for that matter) are accessories, props to demonstrate what a Real Man he is, not people who he has to co-operate with, help, care for and listen to.

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2012 15:19

but he is still paying maintenence so why does he not properly contribute to the child you have together?

Why is he not paying for food for example when he cleary doesn't mind paying for the food for his other children?

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2012 15:21

incidentally - it seems rather odd that he didn't seem to mind the children's grandmother not working and was happy to not pay her either! Why would he think it's ok for her to not work to contribute to her household, or could it be that he didn't mind that because it was saving him money.

he sounds incredibly selfish.

Maybe you really do need to sit down and explain to him what his fair share of all the cost of childcare would be, then he might realise that you would be better off as a family with you at home as unpaid childcare?

fedup2012 · 02/07/2012 16:01

I think he finds the idea of me being SAHM hard as he and his ex wife both worked shifts and her mum had the kids pretty much 24/7. However we have no outside help and I think he finds actually having kids around as unusual. He and his ex wife were quite materialistic, whereas I am not. They formula fed/cried it out, I BF and we co-sleep. It is a big change for him and I think the reality of having children, financially and otherwise, hasn't hit him yet.

Going back to my attempts to analyse his mind-set and work out exactly why he is forcing this issue, this paragraph has answered some of my questions - does it do the same for you?

He's materialistic to the extent of not committing to his children.

Think about what would happen to your children in the event of your death - would he farm them out to the nearest available carer? Would you be happy with that?

Original poster
jenrose29 · 02/07/2012 16:07

They split because she had affairs solidgoldbrass

OP posts:
buffinmuffin · 02/07/2012 16:13

An I right in thinking he wants you to work ft when your child is two (April 2014)? What's so bad about that, if you get two years with your child before going to work? I think you sound quite spoiled, to be honest.

I also think you were insane to turn down a place at Cambridge!

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 16:16

"they split because she had affairs" hmm id love to know her side of that.

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 16:16

www.selfdefense-4-women.com/financial-abuse.html

tholeon · 02/07/2012 16:36

She isn't being spoilt buffunmuffin, he expects her to pay for all childcare out of her salary, and to do all drop offs/ sick days etc.. While he does presumably nothing and carrys on as though he didn't have children..?

Viviennemary · 02/07/2012 16:38

It's a long time till April 2014. I can't see the point of arguing it out what will happen then when there are a lot of unknowns. In this difficult job market you might not even be able to find a full time fairly well paid job. You don't know how many children you will have by then. I see you are planning another baby shortly. What is the point of all this angst about nearly two years into the future. If you are not happy about the way things are at the moment, like him not contributing enough, why not start there. Rather than argue about a future that's not even here yet.

givemeaclue · 02/07/2012 16:48

"I don't understand how I can be expected to work full-time, raise 3 (+) children pretty much singlehandedly whilst covering all childcare, plus other, costs."

No - but those are the arrangements that you have got into having a child with this man. I am sitting here wondering why on earth you would do that???!!!

Do not have any more kids with him!

You need to sort out current situation first:
-no more kids
-finish college
-sort out current finances. you have had tonnes of good advice on there but the question is - are you going to take any of it?
Joint finances if the first thing to sort out

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 16:54

EXACTLY. this is what ive been metaphorically banging my head on the desk about, in the thread in my link above from the Relationship boards givemeaclue. someone on there even questioned the fact there was any such thing as financial abuse.

MardyArsedMidlander · 02/07/2012 16:57

Are you his partner or an incubator? because a man who expects you to pay all expenses for the children, work full time, raise them perfectly and do all pick ups etc etc seems only to be donating his sperm to the relationship.
The question doesn't seem to be about working, but about being dependent on a man who is not seeing the relationship as a partnership.
You already have one failed relationship behind you- think about where you would be at 32 with three children trying to get maintenance out of this man...

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2012 17:04

"he expects her to pay for all childcare out of her salary" and she expects him to pay all the rent out of his.

How is that any fairer?

Hexenbiest · 02/07/2012 17:05

Having a third DC could well mean that finishing the course is not possible till they are much older.

I think the best you can hope is that he hasn't understood the costs and implications of what he is asking and soon will and worst you really need to think about how whole relationship.

I also think being a SAHP with no income with someone who is "very careful with money" or resents paying for the incurred expenses would be a very unpleasant place to be at best.

poppy283 · 02/07/2012 17:09

Duelling because he wants 3 children, she isn't expecting 3 houses.

Hexenbiest · 02/07/2012 17:09

Perhaps you should talk about money generally. He may have a good income and low rent but he may have other debts, expenses or commitments that are takling a large chunk of his salary so money is tighter than it appears. Worth ruling out so you know where you both start from.

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2012 17:12

OP, have you moved in with him yet? I have read some of your previous posts and you were living apart? I think you need to really sit down with him and discuss what your expectations are once you move in together - particularly financially. At the moment it sounds like moving in with him would be a very bad idea, as would having another child.

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 17:17

OP if you go to the MSE thread and read the post by Dark Lady.....that was written by me. It was my experience of being with a financially abusive man.

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 17:17

OP if you go to the MSE thread and read the post by Dark Lady.....that was written by me. It was my experience of being with a financially abusive man.

carernotasaint · 02/07/2012 17:18

sorry about the double posting ....im on TALK TALK