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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
Gibbous · 02/07/2012 13:31

It is, arguably, abusive to imply someone is a potential paedophile, unless they definitely are.

There are degrees of abuse.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 13:32

OK. Thanks for clearing that up. I'm happy to call a truce, regardless of our difference of opinions.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:32

Weird thread. I'll respond to the OP.

From what she's put, it seems more likely that he knew both the woman on the train and the man at sports day. Why else would he seem so familiar to another father? Why else would that father get his kids to wave to this man? Would a father do that with someone he's just met? No.

He obviously lives locally and to see him standing at a bus stop is no real surprise. The OP might also see him at Tesco shopping. Or, and this is another plausible one, he might be a local clergyman known to a few of his churchgoers and is eager to help people like the lady on the train. Even though the lady was French, I doubt being a foreigner would prevent her from speaking out if she felt his behaviour was inappropriate. The French are not backwards in coming forwards and don't suffer from the same polite muteness that we do.

However, I am a great believer in trusting your gut instinct. I've always told my kids that if a situation doesn't feel right for whatever reason then they must always listen to their gut instinct.

In this case the OP did and she reported him to the school. If other reports have come in then they can follow it up, if he's innocent then no harm done. All that will happen is that police patrols will be given the info and will cruise around the area to keep an eye on things. If they see him near a school they might pull up to have a word with him and if he is a friend/clergyman/uncle then that's easily proven.

I'd rather people reported things like that than not. Too many of us tend to mind our own business which is all very well but sometimes, as in the case of domestic violence or child abuse, it can have disasterous consequences.

Yes we live in a paranoid society and yes I do feel for men. Very much so. But I know my dh would rather someone questioned him than ignore any potentially suspicious incident. In fact he has raised suspicious incidents himself.

If our society were more of a community, with people sharing information, then it would be a safer place. Yes you might not have as much privacy but there has to be some give and take.

There are so many witnessess to crime who just walk past and resolve not to get involved. It's wrong.

tinkerbel72 · 02/07/2012 13:51

Jesus bajeezus- do you actually READ the thread?!!

I said using the word paedophile without evidence is abusive.

Reporting a suspicion isn't (necessarily ) abusive, though it can be stupid and pointless

bejeezus · 02/07/2012 13:56

she didnt accuse him of being a paedophile

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 13:58

She said: I would point out I'm not the sort to see a paedophile behind every tree, but my alarm bells just started ringing. I really cannot rationalise it either.

Ephiny · 02/07/2012 13:58

Just the other week there was an OP offended that a man in a coffee shop wouldn't say hello and chat to her 'sociable' toddler. When you see threads like this, you can kind of see why men might be wary!

I remember the one when someone was seriously arguing that if a man went into a public park alone while there were children playing, the parents should take his photo and send it to the police.

Of course everyone wants to keep their children safe, but you can't just go around making irrational accusations like this on no basis at all (and yes, it is an accusation, or will be take that way - everyone knows what 'man behaving oddly near children' is code for, and the OP even mentions the word 'paedophile' in her letter to the school).

LaLaGabby · 02/07/2012 13:59

If you really aren't a paedophile and don't want to be suspected of being one it's quite easy:

Don't be in a public place where there are a lot of children you don't know.
Don't be somewhere with two children you do know.
Don't be somewhere there aren't any children at all.
Don't be with a male friend.
Don't be with a woman.
Don't be by yourself either.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:01

I too would find it odd if the man had no children, relatives or reason to be at the school yet he was attending the sports day. I do believe that's what the OP is questioning. I don't believe school sports days are an open event for the general public.

Amateurish · 02/07/2012 14:02

YABU and I think OP should examine very carefully her motivations for sending that poisonous email. Would she have done the same if the character was female. I doubt it.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 14:04

Hmm, using the word paedophile in her letter to the school was out of order. That's quite an allegation and if she's not careful, he might have a case for slander.

Which is something for all those quick to point out potential paedophiles to consider. The issue of slander.

However I still see no harm, if everything inside you is feeling uncomfortable and wary, to tell someone. It might be nothing, it might be something. So talk to someone. Ask other parents if they know him or have seen him. If he is an uncle then someone would know.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 14:06

Damsel, he was with someone at the sports day, someone he seemed to know quite well, someone who was happy enough to get his own children to wave to. Why would you do that if the man was a stranger who had come up to you on sports day.

No, he knew the other man, he was chatting with him. There was no grounds to be suspicious there.

ShushBaby · 02/07/2012 14:07

Sonatensatz I'm with you. My father, who is a lovely, kindhearted, retired man with plenty of time and lots of energy, has stood by and watched neighbours (whom he knows well and whose kids adore him) struggle with childcare issues because he didn't dare offer to step in with an offer of help, in case they thought him odd.

The neighbour's little girl once made him a valentines day card and popped it through the door, so he went to the local cupcake shop to buy her and her brother a cupcake to say thanks. On telling a mum in the shop what he was doing, she threw him a look of disgust and left without buying anything!

The cake shop is opposite a school. Maybe she wrote an e-mail to the school too. After all, she had probably seen him walking past the school before, maybe even asking a parent some friendly questions or- Shock- looking at the children! Oh and wait, there's a bus stop nearby too. God forbid he has ever stood there when it was empty.

The mind. It boggles.

Tanith · 02/07/2012 14:17

Empusa, jt's not true to say there are no men working in childcare: I know several very well.

[waits resignedly for the personal attacks, ridicule, accusations of sensationalism etc]

tinkerbel72 · 02/07/2012 14:20

'I don't think this man is a paedophile- I'm just mentioning that word innocently'!!!!!!
FGS!!!

Pendeen · 02/07/2012 14:26

DamselInTornDress

I do not need to quote in full because it wasn't a response but a perfectly simple question?

So, do you believe your amazing statement: "... I find it strange how people believe paedophiles are the minority ..."

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:27

Rhubarb she says she wasn't sure if he had a valid reason to be there. She didn't think he was the father to the 2 french girls. She is questioning his reason for being at the school sports day, is what I get from this:

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:29

Pandeen, until you do fully quote me I will not respond to your questioning me.

Pendeen · 02/07/2012 14:31

OK, I will take that as a "yes" then.

Otherwise you woud not have written it.

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:32

I wrote more than what you are quoting and the reason for my view was there too. Which is why you wont quote it.

Pendeen · 02/07/2012 14:32

... and it's Pendeen BTW

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:33

Whatever it is, you're being selective in your quoting because my reasons for saying that was in the rest that you refuse to quote.

Pendeen · 02/07/2012 14:36

So you do believe your statement " I find it strange how people believe paedophiles are the minority " and are now trying to justify such an outrageous assumption?

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:39

Pendeen, what is your problem? if you read that part of my statement you read the rest of it so you know why I wrote that.

So don't start pushing your agenda by twisting my words. OK?

DamselInTornDress · 02/07/2012 14:40

Sorry, not twisting my words, using them out of context.