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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no, I am not giving you £1500..

106 replies

Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:30

Dd text twice today asking me to either stand as guarantor for a loan for her or just to lend her £1500 for a holiday and to do up her house. We are not on good terms.

I said no. Because

A) she is not working and is temporarily staying with my SIL because her DH (DDs) is overseas, (army) and she isn't coping, attempted overdosing ( thinking he would be on the next plane home- he wasn't ).

B) she is living there rent free and SIL is not asking her for money, but she is managing to go through all her
DHs wage, and is very overdrawn at the bank.

C) she has her home in one city that is their married accommodation, that they are paying the bills for, and where she had a job, but refuses to go back to.

D) there is another house in another city that we are paying for, that she walked out on last October when she ran away to get married. We took out the lease for her and are tied in til August.

E) She got a job when she moved in with SIL but they asked her to do 4 hours delivering leaflets and she felt this was unreasonable and has not made any further effort to find something else so sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

And she has decided she wants a holiday and we are evil, toxic parents because we won't just give her the money.

OP posts:
Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:32

Of course you are not being unreasonaable. How old is she?

thenightsky · 27/06/2012 22:32

Blimey.

She is either very brave asking for money from a parent she is not on good terms with. Or she is one entitled little mare.

Springforward · 27/06/2012 22:33

YANBU.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 22:34

She may be your daughter, but I would tell her to sod off.

julieann42 · 27/06/2012 22:35

Yanbu....I wouldn't give any money, not one penny if I was in your situation!

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:35

She is 18. It's a long story.

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/06/2012 22:36

Blimey indeed. Stick to your guns.

But no possibility the army DH doesn't know about the overdraft and the not coping and the no job etc and the £1500 isn't actually to pay off debt and keep the peace?

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:36

I've just noticed your name ungratefulchild are you one or do you have one?

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 27/06/2012 22:37

YANBU. But she sounds like she needs help. Is there a welfare officer attached to her husband's unit? I didn't 'live in' when DP was overseas but I always knew where I could find help if needed. I know you're cross with her (understandably) but a post on force's sweethearts may help you locate some help/support for her instead of a holiday.

hattifattner · 27/06/2012 22:38

i remember the story - there was a fake pregnancy if I recall?

Just keep saying no. SHe is an adult, if she wants a loan, she can go to the bank like everyone else.

Id also be having stern words with SIL about making her stand on her own two feet.

FiftyShadesofViper · 27/06/2012 22:38

I think I may remember some earlier threads of yours OP and I think you are absolutely right. Your daughter needs a bit of tough love I think, YANBU.

Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:39

Did you post about her before?

I am one (in the eyes of my stepfather) but I also have a very difficult teen (just turned 19)

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:40

I contacted all the relevant departments and liaised with the welfare officer and the Padre to try and get support for her when she was discharged from hospital. They were really helpful but she upped and offed before they could help her.

OP posts:
fishybits · 27/06/2012 22:41

Her poor poor DH.

I would prepare yourself for her to be divorced by him within the next 12 months. Your daughter will be known as a welfare case nut job and these do nothing to aid promotion, particularly when they are crying wolf. I thinking about his credit rating and wondering if either of his parents have PoA over his bank account as I'm afraid to say she needs to be stopped from access to it and just given an allowance.

Fuck, the last thing her DH needs to be worrying about when he's in a war zone is her Angry

No to the £1500, she needs to hit rock bottom and she's not there yet.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 27/06/2012 22:44

And since she's been discharged? Has she seen doctors? Had therapy? I know nothing of your background, but this still sounds like a vulnerable teen who needs help (however entitled & arrogant she may seem)

Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:45

Gosh fishy thats all a bit harsh. She's only 18 and clearly very troubled.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 22:45

Downnotout. I remember the back story, dropped out of a good college course leaving you with fees to pay, pretended to be pg, didn't invite you to her wedding?

Don't give her the money. She needs to lie on the bed she's made. When I had my own house and job I can remember being embarrassed having to accept £100 off my dad to fix my broken front door. There is no way I'd have asked for money for decorating or a holiday.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:46

Yes lots of posts, this has been ongoing.

I have spoken to the DH a few times because the army were concerned enough to allow him to keep his phone with him at all times.

He thinks they're going on holiday when he comes back off tour because his extra money will have paid for it. I think she's spent it. But I don't want to phone him in Kenya and ask if he knows whats going on- he has enough on his plate.

Also I opened a letter from the bank turning her down for a loan - we have the same initials so I thought it was for me.

She is heading for big trouble and I can't save her anymore.

OP posts:
foolserrand · 27/06/2012 22:47

Downnotout, I remember your other threads. I really hoped things would get better for you, I'm so sorry it isn't.

You are definitely not bu. I really hope your daughter finds the desire to look after herself soon.

fishybits · 27/06/2012 22:49

No ungratefulchild, it's not harsh at all. There's a long and complicated history behind this and the daughter needs to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. I despise women/people who behave as this one has done.

thenightsky · 27/06/2012 22:52

Oh gosh DAO... is this the lass that turned down the place at the excellent college and faked a pregnancy to get her bf to marry her?

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:54

fishybits that's just it. I gave them a bit Of her backstory and told them that they must not allow him to be manipulated like this and risk ruining his career. They deal with this sort of thing with young wives quite a lot apparently. But she didn't want help. Just for him to be sent home. When she realised that wasn't going to happen she discharged herself from hospital and went to SIL.

ungatefulcild yes it sounds harsh. But all attempts to help her have been rebuffed because they are not the answers she wants. I am at a loss.

OP posts:
Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:54

I have read the previous threads. As I said she is only 18 and clearly struggling with many aspects of her life.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:55

I feel somewhat humbled that a 8 month old thread is remembered by so many of you.

It really is that bad isn't it?

OP posts:
Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:57

I don't think you sound harsh DNO, I think you've had a horrific time with her and I sympathise hugely. I think fishy sounds very harsh in her assessment of your daughter.

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