To say no, I am not giving you £1500..

[Downnotout]

Dd text twice today asking me to either stand as guarantor for a loan for her or just to lend her £1500 for a holiday and to do up her house. We are not on good terms.

I said no. Because

A) she is not working and is temporarily staying with my SIL because her DH (DDs) is overseas, (army) and she isn't coping, attempted overdosing ( thinking he would be on the next plane home- he wasn't ).

B) she is living there rent free and SIL is not asking her for money, but she is managing to go through all her
DHs wage, and is very overdrawn at the bank.

C) she has her home in one city that is their married accommodation, that they are paying the bills for, and where she had a job, but refuses to go back to.

D) there is another house in another city that we are paying for, that she walked out on last October when she ran away to get married. We took out the lease for her and are tied in til August.

E) She got a job when she moved in with SIL but they asked her to do 4 hours delivering leaflets and she felt this was unreasonable and has not made any further effort to find something else so sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

And she has decided she wants a holiday and we are evil, toxic parents because we won't just give her the money.

Have you had any opportunity to sit down with her and ask her why she behaves like this?

Down, if you were to contact the DH and explain the situation re cash he could arrange through his RAO to 'split' his wage between 2 accounts, one that she has access to, one that she doesnt. As long as he has the second account set up it is a very simple couple of clicks on JPA and at least that way he could ease out of the debt they have already racked up. Lots of soldiers have allotments for savings, so if he was embarrassed he could say that is what it is for.

The thing is, as much as you love your daughter, you can't let her ruin her husbands life as well. He can be kicked out for being an Admin Case (J1 nightmare) but also for indebtedness. If she keeps this us when he is deployed he could be putting his life, and those of his comrades, at risk. You say you like him, so maybe you should say something.

If she leaves the qtr empty for too long they could lose it. Housing is at a premium in all areas, no matter how shite the housing is. Simple things like the fact that the grass won't have been cut for a month is going to show she's not in the house.

This is shite for you Down. As ever, if you need anything specific, please PM me.

Of course she's happy, she's got £500 a week to spend on nothing other than fripperies. I'd be happy if I had that at 18yrs old.

I remember the thread about the wedding too.

You said upthread that you don't think anyone understands what it's like having to deal with a family member with a personality disorder. You're wrong there because I do. My dd (15) has no diagnosis but she sounds almost identical to your 18yr old, especially the bit about her not having a problem, that everyone else does It's exhausting isn't it? I won't go into all the things that she's done over the last three years because it would take me all afternoon but one thing stood out - the overdose. When my dd overdosed she screamed the hospital down (with very sick children trying to sleep) when they wanted to take blood to see if she was likely to have done herself any major damage. I suspect, although can't prove, that she didn't take any tablets at all and it was all for the attention. The drama and attention seeking is constant and has had me on the brink of despair more than once.

Anyway, I'm telling you this in the hope that you don't feel so alone in your struggles with your dd. I can't advise (other than telling her NO NO NO NO for the money ) because I fear that my own journey is going to continue to be difficult for a while yet especially as she is currently too young to leave home.

We have tried everything (and then some) to get help too but dd refuses to engage with professionals of any sort. CAMHS did help me for a while but they couldn't continue to see me without her as that's not what the service is for. I accept that she has MH issues although no-one has ever given us a specific diagnosis and whilst she won't engage with them no-one ever will.

It sounds like a very difficult situation OP.
Have you been in touch with the Army Families Federation? Their website is www.aff.org.uk I've just been reading their magazine and there's a couple of articles regarding mental health issues and how they can help.
I'm married to a soldier and have mental health issues, I have found ways to cope, but only because I'm now aware of my problems.
When I was 18 there would be no way I could cope, I imagine I may have acted in a similar way to your daughter.
Without her being aware of what her problems are, she will not be able to accept the appropriate help. I know for me to come to terms with my issues meant I hit rock bottom, several times, and now I can look back and regret how much I hurt those that loved me.
Sorry for rambling, don't even know if it's helpful at all.
I would also try and find a way to communicate to her husband how things are at home, there are things he can do even while abroad to control the finances, find out about help for her. I think he at least needs to know what he's coming home to.

Apologies if this has been covered, haven't read all the posts, but is there any chance your daughter could be bipolar? She sounds EXACTLY like my Dsis who is bipolar. You have my sincere sympathies - it is incredibly hard being in a relationship with someone like this. We offer my Dsis unconditional love and emotional and practical support but no financial support whatsoever. It's awful sometimes, I feel guilty often, but this is the only way our relationship can function. HOPe you figure out a way it can work for you.

Ltevedallas thanks again for your input. The advice you gave me last time was really helpful and I was able to speak to the correct people.

He is home in two weeks time. He has rung me and asked if we can meet up and I think we are all going to have to sit down and have a frank discussion before they move bases (which will be 6hours away from here) and before he goes off to Afghan. I am anxious that this set of events cannot be repeated and DD will not be able to manipulate the situation if he is present.

I appreciate that I come across as cold hearted about DD to many of you who feel I am not giving her enough support. The problem is that her answers to her problems are not realistic. loupee I think what you said is exactly it. I am not able to help her because the help she wants is for me to charge to the rescue, sort her problems and then for her to continue behaving exactly as she wants to, with no consequences. This will not help her at all and will only reinforce the cycle, which has sadly been going on for the last few years. If only I could go back and change things- I would have been much tougher on her than I was.

All this has shattered us as a family. There are problems to come at some point with DD2, who will not have DD1 mentioned and has shut her completely away. Her panic attacks have stopped but she still suffers anxiety sporadically. DH and I are closer now than we've ever been (the one positive side to this). DS has been neglected emotionally because I have had to put so much time and effort into DD1 and I see now that he has been really angry for years about her running rings around me.

I feel I have let everyone down really. I have to do the right thing now for everyone and not just DD1. The two things are not mutually exclusive but I can't allow her to continue manipulating all of us and that means keeping her at arms length for now. Besides that, after her texts asking for the money, I rang her on Wednesday and left a message for her to call me back, she hasn't and I am presuming that as her DHs wage was paid yesterday she's decided she doesn't need to speak to me now.