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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no, I am not giving you £1500..

106 replies

Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:30

Dd text twice today asking me to either stand as guarantor for a loan for her or just to lend her £1500 for a holiday and to do up her house. We are not on good terms.

I said no. Because

A) she is not working and is temporarily staying with my SIL because her DH (DDs) is overseas, (army) and she isn't coping, attempted overdosing ( thinking he would be on the next plane home- he wasn't ).

B) she is living there rent free and SIL is not asking her for money, but she is managing to go through all her
DHs wage, and is very overdrawn at the bank.

C) she has her home in one city that is their married accommodation, that they are paying the bills for, and where she had a job, but refuses to go back to.

D) there is another house in another city that we are paying for, that she walked out on last October when she ran away to get married. We took out the lease for her and are tied in til August.

E) She got a job when she moved in with SIL but they asked her to do 4 hours delivering leaflets and she felt this was unreasonable and has not made any further effort to find something else so sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

And she has decided she wants a holiday and we are evil, toxic parents because we won't just give her the money.

OP posts:
hattifattner · 27/06/2012 22:58

OP, I think you need to step back - you re still trying to run her life for her, and all the time she can play at independence and then run home to family for help, she will continue to act as a spoiled child.

I think "No - we are still paying your rent at uni and your course fees, so there is no money" would be the appropriate response.

Or just "No, sorry, we cannot help you"

Do not get dragged into the teen melodrama. SHe will rant and rave and call you toxic, but stay firm and withdraw. You seriously need to get your dh involved in weaning her off dependancy on family. SHe must get on her own two feet at some point.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 22:58

I remember your previous thread too. Hopefully one day she will grow up a bit. She sounds a bloody nightmare. :(

Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 22:59

It struck a chord with me at the time. I have a very difficult ds and feel at a total loss with him most of the time, although for different reasons.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:02

But how do I help her, or stop her from destroying herself?

Giving her money to dig her out of her debts will just enable her to carry on as before.

If I tell you they have £2000 a month left after housing and in 6 months of marriage they are £2000 in debt- what would you say then. She has given SIL £20 in 4 weeks so far. Tonight she told SIL his wage goes in tomorrow and DD is going to the hairdressers for extensions?! Somewhere along the line she has to get in the real world.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 23:03

Remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

If she starts getting abusive, name calling etc - you do not have to put up with it. At this point I'd treat her like I'd treat any adult who did this and tell her I'm ending the conversation and put the phone down/ask her to leave, etc.

Tell her that you'll be more than happy to talk to her again when she can be civil.

Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 23:06

Could you tell her DH? So he could stop access to her account?

I think very strict boundaries are the only way forward.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 23:06

You can't help her unless she wants help and right now it doesn't sound like she does want help. Apart from financial help to fund her lifestyle, which you and I know isn't going to help her.

You can't stop her destroying herself. You can be there to pick up the pieces if she asks for help when it all goes bang.

Has your sil not pointed out that if she can afford extensions she can contribute a bit more for housekeeping?

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:07

hattifattner that is exactly what I said. Then her dad, my DH rang her and she asked "when am I going to be let back into this family" he said "there are more people in this family than you. I am still very angry at the moment but i'm sure that will change in time."

She went mental!

OP posts:
jubilucket · 27/06/2012 23:08

Sorry Downandout, nothing helpful to say but deep sympathy, when I saw this tonight I thought 'oh christ not again, i bet it's the little baggage daughter' and I was right.

fishybits · 27/06/2012 23:08

If the DH is in Kenya then he is not in a war zone/on tour (which is why he was allowed to keep his phone) so phone him and tell him what his "D" W is up to. I don't know what Internet access is like so he may have no idea if he can't use online banking and ATMs are pretty rare out in the bush which is where he'll be if on exercise.

Ungratefulchild · 27/06/2012 23:09

Has she always been difficult DNO?

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:11

Yes SIL is peeed off. I think she's beginning to realise what DD is like.

I aspire to be able to use "no" as a complete sentence.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 23:11

I wouldn't spend £1500 on a holiday for myself and I've worked every day for nearly 20 years.

hattifattner · 27/06/2012 23:11

she went mental....so?

So she had a tantrum - thats OK. You dont have to jump in and sort her out. Let her rant and rave at you and the world.

Do Not Get Sucked Back In!

I know you love her, but do you not have another child, or did I misremember? You must stop getting drawn into her dramas and focus instead on your family - she has left home, so start focussing on the child you still have.

The world will not end if you ignore her.

Spuddybean · 27/06/2012 23:12

This sounds heartbreaking for you. No advice from me, just sympathy for you and her DH. He will be so upset when he gets home and finds they are in debt and not going on holiday.

I am a forces partner and i know my DP would be devastated.

Does SIL back her up? or does she try to point out why she is unreasonable?

bronze · 27/06/2012 23:13

Do you have any idea what she is doing with all the money she does get. 2k after housing is a pretty reasonable amount for a young couple without kids especially when one doesn't need feeding etc most of the time.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/06/2012 23:15

So what if she went mental, let her.

But get in touch with her DH so that he can block her access to his bank account.

Spuddybean · 27/06/2012 23:17

Just read the last posts and she sounds very toddlerish. Can everyone try toddler tactics with her. I think her access to money also needs to stop then she will have to wake up a bit.

I'm not trying to trivialise it but have you seen that programme 'young, dumb and living off mum'? the teens had similar attitudes to money and responsibility (also evil tantrums). They had to treated like babies to sort of re-programme them to realise the world wasn't all about them.

good luck tho.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:22

ungratefulchild I still feel bad saying this, but yes, she has always been difficult.

She learnt to be manipulative as a child when she realised attention came from people feeling sorry for you. In her mind any attention is good attention. She had health problems, was bullied, dyslexia.

But we have had more hospital visits for unexplained reasons than for genuine illness. She discards friends when they don't comply with her and actually the bullying turned out to be that she was so horrible to people that they started excluding her. And she is very mildly dyslexic but it is used as a huge excuse as to why she can't do things.

I believe she has talked her way into operations that were unnecessary. She is very troubled and does not live in the real world at all.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 23:23

When does her dh get back?

I'd be tempted to stay out of it. They're married, is between them. If you go and tell him she will be very pissed off with you. Let him find out for himself and he can deal with her. I suspect his reaction may be a shock to her. She can't have a tantrum with him....or if she does she runs the risk of him calling it a day.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:26

I have two other children

DS is older and wants nothing more to do with her.

dD2 is 10. She used to idolise DD1 but now she will not have her name mentioned.

That's what DH means about there being more to this family than just her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:29

Yes vivalebeaver he asked me if her "suicide attempt" was attention seeking? I said I thought it was because she did it while she had someone else staying at the house. She took some paracetamol. She posted on FB " watch out for the big announcement tomorrow."

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 27/06/2012 23:29

Did you ever go to the wedding or did you go on holiday instead? Was dd2 a bridesmaid in the end?

Spuddybean · 27/06/2012 23:31

oh dear. I'm sure you know but that level of attention seeking by faking medical symptoms is munchausen syndrome. I would be very worried if she has children as she could develop the syndrome by proxy which is awful and dangerous for the child.

Original poster
Downnotout · 27/06/2012 23:32

No DD2 refused to be bridesmaid. So we went away for Christmas. DD1 did text me on the day of the wedding to ask us to go but we were abroad by then.

OP posts:
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