To say no, I am not giving you £1500..

[Downnotout]

Dd text twice today asking me to either stand as guarantor for a loan for her or just to lend her £1500 for a holiday and to do up her house. We are not on good terms.

I said no. Because

A) she is not working and is temporarily staying with my SIL because her DH (DDs) is overseas, (army) and she isn't coping, attempted overdosing ( thinking he would be on the next plane home- he wasn't ).

B) she is living there rent free and SIL is not asking her for money, but she is managing to go through all her
DHs wage, and is very overdrawn at the bank.

C) she has her home in one city that is their married accommodation, that they are paying the bills for, and where she had a job, but refuses to go back to.

D) there is another house in another city that we are paying for, that she walked out on last October when she ran away to get married. We took out the lease for her and are tied in til August.

E) She got a job when she moved in with SIL but they asked her to do 4 hours delivering leaflets and she felt this was unreasonable and has not made any further effort to find something else so sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

And she has decided she wants a holiday and we are evil, toxic parents because we won't just give her the money.

I'm so sorry things are no better, I can see why this must upset you so much

But I agree with the others that you have to step back and let her get on with things, she is married, she chose to live like this, I feel for her DH but again whatever he does or does not do about the situation is down to him. They are two married adults, maybe if she starts feeling the consequences of her actions she'll start behaving like one, in the meantime just try your best to not engage with all the drama (and I can tell you're obviously a great mum so I know how difficult that will be for you )

I hope none of this with your daughter ends up driving a wedge between you and SIL and DBRO?...their bills will be hiking up if she's hanging around all day in house...never mind the food bills too...

Maybe SIL should be sending her packing back to her own marital home to get on with whatever she thinks she might do next....

I would probably get in contact with DDs DH and give him a full picture of issues..esp. the money disappearing so fast and the planned holiday non-existent etc....maybe he can cancel bank cards til he gets back again and send her money by some other means, maybe through Army Welfare Fund or his parents so she would have enough to get by on each month???

It def sounds like it has to be a tough love response from all of the family or it could just go on and on....she won't stop til she hits a wall....

spuddybean there have been many times when I thought they were going to accuse me of Munschausen syndrome by proxy. She was training as a nanny! Of course I look back now and think we must have been mad, but at the time it looked like a series of unfortunate events.

There isn't a day goes by that I don't wonder where I went wrong. And the answer is always the same. I did too much.

Oh dear Downnotout it sounds like an awful mess.
I'd talk to SIL privately, she really does need to send her back to her own home to get herself sorted out and your Dd's Dh needs to know whats going on. He's expecting there to be extra money for him to have some R&R and he's going to find a big debt. She needs to hot bottom and everyone helping isn't going to get her to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her actions.

She needs rock bottom not a hot bottom

I knew it would end in tears with SIL. But she is finding out for herself and we had a good laugh tonight about DD having hair extensions instead of paying some board. DDs DH is back in 3 weeks and SIL may just about last that time but we won't fall out over it. She knows we won't see her out of pocket.

DDs DH is being posted up to Scotland after this, so they have to move when he gets back. Then he goes to Afghan in September. That will be when the real trial begins.

oh dear. i hope they don't try for a baby before he goes. i am sad and worried for all of you :(

you have 2 other children who have not developed into this or become this way...you must not blame yourself over this...you have obviously done everything and much much more than maybe you should have in trying to help and support her....

she has made these choices and obviously has some serious mental health problems.
I wonder if your GP would be able to advise you of how you would go about reporting a vulnerable, mentally ill young person? esp as she has demonstrated that she is a risk to herself and wellbeing. Perhaps he can be of some help with this.

Sod the money issues, you don't seem perturbed by the fact that she attempted an overdose (for whatever reason)?! She must be extremely troubled. I imagine I would my child as close to be as possible and be trying to get help for them if they were in that state.

The only saving grace is that there is no baby.
We have been through her being pregnant, not being pregnant, never actually having been pregnant.
Sadly that is why they got married after only knowing each other for 4 months.

I think he will realise this one day.

i think that day is going to come sooner than she thinks.

Was she lying to get married? Does he know there was no baby?

She needs rock bottom not a hot bottom

No. I'm thinking you were right the first time. The hotter the bottom the quicker she might get off it and take some responsibility for her own life.

You absolutely must not blame yourself. You are clearly a very caring mother who has done everything you possibly could.

I do think there is much more going on here. The fact that she has always had some problems could indicate some personality difficulties.

Does she have any friends at all? What is her DH like? Is he a decent lad?

lucieMay ...the OP has been there for years...this is not a DD that has ever wanted or taken advice, support or help...she doesn't see that she has any problems and is very deluded....

I don't think you are being at all open to the obvious fact...the OP has always been there and still is for her DD....you can't keep watching a car crash though and her DD has rejected everything and everyone every time....

If your sil really didn't want to be out of pocket, then she should have sent your dd packing rather than enabling her to live in the fantasy that she can do whatever she wants and someone will always bail her out

I don't usually like to post about this, because my brother died and despite everything I loved him deeply and miss him terribly, but he was in many ways the same as your daughter from when he was a teenager

He was terrible with money, he was always in debt, he ruined his marriage, he was a like a little boy that never grew up. And my mum always blamed herself, but what she couldn't see that it wasn't her fault to begin with, but the way she always cleared up his messes for him meant she did more harm than good. She always wanted him to sort himself out and take responsibility but why would he when he knew he could always do whatever he liked and someone would pick up the pieces? The hair extensions thing reminds me of the time he spent the rent money on a tv and then got upset when anyone dared to suggest that wasn't a good idea, he sent the (dodgy) landlord to my mums house for her to deal with even though she was living on a very small pension

Finally, when he was in his thirties the time came when things went too far and mum couldn't help him, and it was tough on him, really really tough, but he got through it and he grew up. He turned into an amazing man and he admitted to me that had everyone stooped helping him sooner he would have been forced to sort out his life. Sadly it was too late to save his marriage, and then he died not Long afterwards having never had the chance to build a good life for himself

I honestly believe it could have been avoided. I think sometimes no matter how old your children are they need help, but sometime that help comes in the form of them learning their lessons the hard way and helping them pick up the pieces when and if they come to their senses

luciemay

I have done EVERYTHING to support her.
The money thing, actually, is no big deal. It's just another thing in a long, long line, that she has dropped on us and I don't know how to help her anymore.

We have tried to get her help but as she will not stay in one place long enough to access that help, it does not get passed from area to area. I would have brought her home after the suicide attempt if it had been serious, but the hospital and the army welfare people assessed her and decided she was fine. In fact the hospital wanted to discharge her and she wouldn't leave because she was enjoying the tai chi and art classes so much. She said they couldn't make her leave if she didn't want to. It was a physchatic hospital, not a general one.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for my incoherent ramblings it's late and I've had a lot of pain meds, I shall shut up now and just wish you well op, you really do sound like a great mother

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour

Thank you for sharing that. It must have been difficult for you and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think that people don't understand what it is like to deal with a family member with a personality disorder. As a mother you always want to protect your child but sometimes it becomes so difficult to do that and so destructive to everyone around them that you have to stop.

I know that, but it is very hard. Particularly when so many, who know the whole story say step back, but then others come along and say why are you deserting her? That battle goes on in my head every day.

There is a middle ground DNO of being firm and not getting sucked in but also offering some support. But to do this well you need some good outside support. Has she been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

(sorry if I'm asking too many questions, I work in mental health)

I'm sorry down, I didn't mean to imply that it was all an easy thing to do,it is so easy for us to say it but I understand it's incredibly hard to do

Even I fell into the trap of bailing my brother out, I could see so clearly that it wouldn't help in the long term but when you love someone your instinct is to help and to hope that this time will be the last. And I was only his sister, it's so much harder for you

I really really hope you find a way through this, and I really hope you learn to stop blaming yourself, whatever is going on with your daughter is clearly not caused by you, and she's still so young, chances are you'll look back on this time as a nightmare that got better

No there is no diagnosis.

We have been chasing diagnoses for years for one thing or another. It is only now I understand that most of it was phantom and I am presuming that it all adds up to a personality disorder.

I always believed her, you see. While other people were questioning that she was in hospital again. Anything from a sprained ankle ( can't be proved) to IBS (again can't be proved). Once she claimed to have fallen down the stairs while au pairing and the child had to phone his mother.
The next day she appeared to have blood trickling out of her ear. I took her back to A&E and there was nothing in her ear. No hole tear or swelling. They tested her hearing and said she was deaf but found no cause for it. 3 months later her hearing was perfectly normal. They were surprised... I think she faked the bleep test.

But I have no proof, only suspicions. Although the pregnancy thing... Well I lied to the doctors and they confirmed she was never pregnant. She has put us through hell.

I too remember the thread and wondered what happened.

Not sure what to advise, but wanted to add my support and let you know that having read the huge back story to this I do not judge you at all, and hope you know you can vent on here when needed,

sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

Maybe you should giv BIL and SIL the cash to get a holiday (if you have it hanging around in your pocket)

You are right not to give her the cash. Agreed totally on that score.

However, I can't help but feel sad for your DD. It sounds like she has issues that she needs to work through. She is an adult but in the earliest years of adulthood. Not many 18 year olds could cope with being married to someone who is not home much. Throw into the mix that your DD sounds very lost and it may all be too much for her. I am saying this as a person who has a difficult relationship with my brother (doesn't work, scrounges from parents, attention seeks. Sounds very similar to Maytheodds brother actually, sorry for your loss btw :( ) so am no stranger to toxic people. There's just something about this that sounds so sad.

Hope you find a resolution to all this :)