Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no, I am not giving you £1500..

106 replies

Downnotout · 27/06/2012 22:30

Dd text twice today asking me to either stand as guarantor for a loan for her or just to lend her £1500 for a holiday and to do up her house. We are not on good terms.

I said no. Because

A) she is not working and is temporarily staying with my SIL because her DH (DDs) is overseas, (army) and she isn't coping, attempted overdosing ( thinking he would be on the next plane home- he wasn't ).

B) she is living there rent free and SIL is not asking her for money, but she is managing to go through all her
DHs wage, and is very overdrawn at the bank.

C) she has her home in one city that is their married accommodation, that they are paying the bills for, and where she had a job, but refuses to go back to.

D) there is another house in another city that we are paying for, that she walked out on last October when she ran away to get married. We took out the lease for her and are tied in til August.

E) She got a job when she moved in with SIL but they asked her to do 4 hours delivering leaflets and she felt this was unreasonable and has not made any further effort to find something else so sits in her pyjamas all day while SIL and BIL get up for work at 6 and are gone all day.

And she has decided she wants a holiday and we are evil, toxic parents because we won't just give her the money.

OP posts:
Frakiosaurus · 28/06/2012 08:57

Oh dear :( I remember some of the history.

Her poor DH is going to be devastated when he gets back. Is he also very young? I think you have to talk to the Army (in very broad terms) about what is going I making it clear that it's DD who is the problem, not him, and ask what they think the best course of action is. They don't want someone out in Afghan whose head isn't in a good place which his won't be if he comes bank and thinks there's around £6k of money banked when there's nothing.

As for DD tou have to be firm. No money, no bailing out. Give SIL carte blanche to chuck her out if necessary.

There are 2 options really - treat her like an adult which means she has to clear up her own mess or treat her very much like a child and confiscate her bank cards and supervise her the whole time, lock the medicine cabinet and try to 'reeducate' her.

I imagine that the college feel they are well shot of her.

differentnameforthis · 28/06/2012 09:22

So, she is suicidal & isn't coping with her dh being away, she has taken to sitting in her pjs. She doesn't need money, but she does need your help!

I too would refuse to lend her money, but would try & help her in other ways.

soozeedol · 28/06/2012 09:26

It's ultimately also extremely sad and very hard to see/watch any fellow human being in this awful state...esp when her family feel they have exhausted every possible avenue to no avail and are left powerless to help her, like the OP feels at this point. It's desperately sad

It is always worse to watch than it is for the person with the issues.

Hopefully OPs DD will eventually see that she needs medical intervention and help and takes the opportunity to accept what is being offered. until then there is no way forward....

I am so very sorry for you DNO (((hug))) x

Original poster
Downnotout · 28/06/2012 09:50

She isn't suicidal. It was an attempt to get her DH sent home. I know she had other tablets in the house at the time which she would have taken if she was serious. She took some paracetamol.

She is not sitting in her PJs being depressed. She just lays about all day and waits for her cousin to come home. Then they go out partying. Then she lies in bed til lunchtime and it starts again.

I know she needs help. like I said, I did everything I could to put support in place when she was discharged from hospital. The welfare people and the mental health team were all set to do daily visits, a friend of her DH had agreed to stay at the house and keep her company and I was going to go down to try and give her a boost. But she rang me from the station to say she needed money to buy a train ticket to go visit SIL and cousin, had no money in account, had suitcases and a dog with her and as she had spent last of her money getting to station, could not get back home and had no money food food either.

I transferred her the money to get her to Sils safely thinking a weekend up there might do her good. That has lasted a month now. She hasn't phoned me in that month, apart from yesterday to ask for more money.

adversecamber yy. It is horrible to dislike someone you love so much because of their behaviour.

I feel very sorry for her DH too. He is only young and is a nice boy, but has no idea what he has let himself in for.

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 28/06/2012 10:17

oh dear DNO, i don't wish to make you feel bad about your DD's DH but he really is in a vulnerable position.

DP is in the military and one of his roles was dealing with internal issues like this, so contacting those away with stories of wives losing it.

The problem is these things really do affect their careers and their standing in their profession. It is not fair for the young man to have his future possibly ruined by this situation.

I really think explaining to him that stopping her access to his wages is the right thing to do. This will be awful when he is in Afghan.

My heart is really going out to you all.

fishybits · 28/06/2012 10:28

Spuddy is right OP, my DH has had to deal with similar and it's not good. Please don't let her ruin his life as well as hers. He sounds like a decent lad even if very naive .

soozeedol · 28/06/2012 11:09

the poor lad is also her DH and as that he legally cannot leave her destitute...how would that be of any help to anyone???

I agree he probably does need to curtail her ability to spend all the money but she still has to be able to get by financially...even if it's minimal to live on....he wouldn't want to cut her off completely and is duty bound as her DH to support his DW...surely???

Spuddybean · 28/06/2012 11:16

Sorry, i meant still cover bills and perhaps give her £200 over, But £2000 over is way too much she clearly can't be trusted.

However, her behaviour is way more damaging to his career than the money issue. His card will be marked as having J1 issues (i think that's what they call it - or is it J2?). Which essentially means personal problems - for him, a loose cannon wife.

Does she love him? Can he get thru to her at all?

GoranisGod · 28/06/2012 11:17

This is a girl who has let herself be operated on for no good reason? she is clearly very mentally ill. Have a bit of compassion ffs.

fishybits · 28/06/2012 11:18

Err why can't she get a job?

What he can do is give her an allowance of say £150 a week for food and sundries and have a cc with someone like OP to pay for emergencies like the vets etc. you can set up cc payment to clear monthly anything up to a limit of your choice say £300. It's easy to do and means that the OP won't be left destitute if she can't be bothered to get a job although if I behaved as she has done DH would divorce me without hesitation. Trust has to be absolute in a forces relationship when they are away for such long periods of time.

jen127 · 28/06/2012 11:19

{Hugs}
I remeber your previous posts well and really feel for you !
I have no real advice to offer , I just want you to know that I empathise with what you are going through.
It is easy to say allow her to fail and refuse to support her but how far will this go.....
I Think her DH has to have better control over the finances - as in she gets pocket money - absurd as this sounds! All the bills are paid by DD from his account.
Again all this is doing is preventing her facing the reality of how she chooses to live her life and the impact her choices are having on others. But until she matures they really have no choice.

fishybits · 28/06/2012 11:20

X posted with Spuddy.

Spuddybean · 28/06/2012 11:22

I do feel very sad for her. But if as her mum says she has a personality disorder then she is very hard to help - because part of the problem is they think they are fine and everyone else is the problem. The only thing you can do is minimise the damage to those around them and keep consistently enforcing boundaries.

My Father, Sister, nan and most of my family are Narcs and i have had to be very firm on things for my own sanity. Otherwise you get sucked into the drama.

Lancelottie · 28/06/2012 11:24

But stopping her access to his wage (when they are married) would be financial abuse, in any other context, and the DD would justifiably see it as such.

fishybits · 28/06/2012 11:25

GoranisGod, what do you suggest the OP should do to help her daughter who clearly doesn't view her actions as being wrong and the DD's DH whose career is being damaged by her?

fishybits · 28/06/2012 11:26

Why is it not financial abuse when the wife is emptying the husband's bank account?

Spuddybean · 28/06/2012 11:26

Perhaps having the monthly allowance is too much all in one go. Could it be set up that after bills £20 goes into her account every 3 days. Enough that she wont starve - bit not enough to get hair extensions. It may encourage she gets a job.

Spuddybean · 28/06/2012 11:31

i am not up on financial abuse tbf. Is it financial abuse if you don't allow your spouse access to all your wages?

Is it not when you don't allow them access to money at all? So all bills covered and then spending money is fine. If you earn 10k per month do you have to let your partner help themselves to it?

I do not have access to all DP's money and he doesn't to mine. But i am not left short iyswim.

Also being bipolar, sometimes i have to have restricted access to money otherwise when manic i can spend the lot on something extraordinarily inapropriate.

I think there are guidelines on the Bipolar website about money access. Might be similar with personality disorders.

Lancelottie · 28/06/2012 13:08

yes, cross-posted with a few there. I meant stopping any access, or leaving her very short of money, rather than restricting access.

Original poster
Downnotout · 28/06/2012 14:58

She does feel that she is in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. It's as if she believes we are all making her behave like this and she justifies everything by saying she's the happiest she's ever been and why can't we just get over it and allow her to be happy.

I'm well aware of the problems this will cause his career if she carries on like this. I feel dreadfully guilty that she is going to end up bringing him down with her. It is true that the army look on this very unfavourably and will tell him to sort out his wife or get out, basically.

OP posts:
giraffesCantFitInThePalace · 29/06/2012 15:30

when is he due back?

RandomMess · 29/06/2012 15:38

So sad to read that your dd still hasn't had the actual help she needs from the MH team because she refuses to have it/believe it etc.

I can't imagine the toll it is taking on everyone Sad

maddening · 29/06/2012 15:43

she is obviously unstable and in need of help - and although legally an adult she probably does need more support than she's getting.

you don't seem to take her attempting suicide very seriously.

RandomMess · 29/06/2012 15:45

maddening it was for attention seeking and then she moved areas so she couldn't access the real help she needs Confused

Until she does something that she can be sectioned for her family are stuck.

MissFaversam · 29/06/2012 16:03

Oh OP, what a situation Sad

I'm going with the ones that say she's only 18 and needs help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread