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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave newborn DD with my ex?

107 replies

snowdropsinmay · 27/06/2012 00:14

This could be long, sorry.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with DD, first baby. DH and I split up 2 weeks ago now, I don't really want to go into it but it wasn't a nice situation, and I know it's early days but I have no plans to go back.

SO DH is now obviously worried about how custody arrangements are going to work, his suggestion is that while I am on maternity leave ( one year) I have DD in the week during the day, and he has her overnight Friday and through to Sunday evening. He wants to start this arrangement as soon as shee's born from the word go. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I have told him I don't feel comfortable being seperated from her so quickly for so long. His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

For other reasons I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD alone with DH as it is, and for such long periods of time so soon seems just horrific to me. Or am I being completely selfish not letting him 'share' DD? I don't know anymore.

Thank you

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/06/2012 00:19

I feel for you both in a situation like this...it's a tough one.

On the one hand you are both perfectly entitled to spend time with your DD but on the other, one would worry that being separated so soon and for such a length of time, may bring on PND or 'baby blues'.

Are you going to BF or FF?

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 00:20

I have to assume he has no other children, or he would realise how completely impractical this is.

If he is a prat to try and have a sensible conversation with, do you have the opportunity to talk with his mother, who can hopefully explain to him that a newborn needs to be with their mum.

melbie · 27/06/2012 00:22

Well first if you are breastfeeding then that is not physically possible. Either way even if you are not that would be way too long to be apart from a newborn baby!

It depends a little on whether you are happy to spend time with him too? Can he be around in the evenings? Share the bath times etc? Or be with her while you go for a bath and do your own thing for an hour or two? I think it would have to be little and often rather than splitting the week in half. I don't have kids but that sounds traumatic for all of you!

Jodidi · 27/06/2012 00:24

If you are planning on bf then this is a completely unrealistic expectation on his part. If ff then it would be easier but still not easy.

I personally would not be able to part with a baby for that length of time as a newborn (I still hate the thought of it and dd2 is 2 now)

Could he see her in the evenings through the week? His time doesn't have to be all in one block does it?

keepcalmandeatcupcakes · 27/06/2012 00:27

I think you may be better posting on the relationships board, as there are a lot of similar issues going on and much more knowledgable people. But I am sure, that if it got to that point , no judge would ever agree to a newborn baby to stay overnight without the mother as soon as its born, especially if the mother was breast feeding : its nearly impossible! He may be the dad, but I'm sure he will be able to see her in the day (melbies solution sounds just right ) - I would maybe go and get some advice just to be on the safe side, and know your options, and that way if he does trying being stroppy you know you have that peace of mind behind you. Its going to be fine :)

Original poster
snowdropsinmay · 27/06/2012 00:31

I'm planning on breastfeeding, yes, DH is planning on bottle feeding her over the weekend he has her. Not sure how I feel about that tbh :/

The issue is that I don't really feel comfortable in the same room as him at the moment- that may change later, I don't know.

His mother sadly passed away earlier this year, so unfortunately I can't talk to her :(

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 27/06/2012 00:32

He wants to remove a newborn baby from its mother for days at a time starting from birth?

He's a dick.

FuckityFuckFuck · 27/06/2012 00:34

I think melbie's idea sounds like a good one, if both of you would be able to be around each other a lot.

I don't think splitting the week in half so soon is a good idea but I also think that it is important that your ex has plenty of time to bond with DD, and learn how to care for her.

AThingInYourLife · 27/06/2012 00:34

You won't be able to breastfeed her if she's away from you all weekend, every weekend.

This idea is so unrealistic and unreasonable it's hard to believe anyone would even think of it.

thenightsky · 27/06/2012 00:35

You plan to bf, he is gonna ff for weekends. Erm, he needs to do some research coz it don't work like that. You cannot just switch your boobs off Shock

Softlysoftly · 27/06/2012 00:36

You can't bf half the week and ff the other Confused your milk supply wouldn't work and I doubt baby would stand it.

Contact a mediation centre? Or relate to work out something practical.

That said if you split due to DV then I'd be wanting supervision at all times.

Sariska · 27/06/2012 00:38

The usual (and sensible) advice if you are planning to BF is not to introduce bottles for at least 6 weeks. To do so would likely totally mess up the establishment of your supply and could also create nipple confusion in the baby.

Agree that you should get some legal advice and also agree that no judge worth his/her salt (if you weren't able to sort it out between you) would agree to such a level of contact in the early months.

thenightsky · 27/06/2012 00:40

My babies wouldn't even attempt to take a bottle. Your ex is delusional.

Original poster
snowdropsinmay · 27/06/2012 00:42

Apparently I can pump over the weekend or 'just switch to ff if that's easier' Hmm

It's not a pleasant situation, I think I may have to look into mediation at this rate. Softlysoftly I wouldn't want to leave DD alone with him, so supervision would be needed, yes. The issue is that I don't want to be in a room with him either :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 00:43

:( I think it may be better to ask for this to be moved to relationships.

It really is not feasible for him to take her away for days at a time so early.

A visit for a couple of hours, with you present or not far away, yes fine, but he really cannot expect to be able to pick up a newborn and take her for two days.

I havent had a baby and even I can see that this is not a viable option.

NatashaBee · 27/06/2012 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thenightsky · 27/06/2012 00:46

Is your ex using the situation to control you OP?

CouthyMow · 27/06/2012 00:46

My Ex-P walked out when our baby was 4mo. The solicitor's advice was that with a baby under 1yo, they needed to be with their primary care giver. They also said little and often was best as they need to build a relationship with the non-resident parent.

They advised that 2-3 evenings a week at my house (so in baby's familiar surroundings) would be best. He comes round after work, spends the time with LO until he goes to sleep or 9pm whichever comes first.

I did BF till 12mo though, so it was a complicating feature. Once DS3 could go longer between BF's, he could take him out for well timed 2 hrs at a time.

Gradually built up once I stopped bf'ing, he now takes him out for the day twice a fortnight, on days off, and he has actually had him overnight once just over a week ago, for the first time at 16mo. Though I felt DS3 would have been ready and I needed the rest as soon as he stopped bf'ing at 12mo.

Original poster
snowdropsinmay · 27/06/2012 00:50

thenightsky possibly. This all happened very suddenly, it's all been a bit of a shock to the system to say the least. 2 weeks ago I would have said he'd never do that, now I honestly don't know.

OP posts:
CouthyMow · 27/06/2012 00:52

In that case, having read more, get yourself some legal advice. DON'T be bullied into ruining BF before you even start, he is being unreasonable, no judge will order this as it will interfere with successful BF.

Get thee to a Solicitor!

If you can't stand to have him around, then tell the solicitor that you need supervised contact because of X,Y,Z that happened, you are EBF your baby, and therefore need to be nearby when baby needs feeding, but can't be near him...

Dee03 · 27/06/2012 00:56

I would seek advice about this,. And definately advise mediation.
He cannot seriously think he can take your baby for whole weekends straight away.

My xp and i split when our ds was 11 months old and for the first 3-4 months he just had him for a day at the weekend then built up to overnight then again to whole weekend everyother weekend...

auntmargaret · 27/06/2012 01:07

Have you sought legal advice? If not, please do and fast. Am assuming this is first child for both of you, which could explain why he is being so hugely unrealistic. But it does sound as though he sees baby as a way to get at you, which could be massively damaging for wee one. Has he ever read a childcare book or met a baby? Please don't agree to this. You won't be able to bf, it takes a while to establish and even then, babies can be tricky wee suckers if you try to mess around with it. And baby needs you, and you need to be there. Even in couples who live together, they usually only want mummy. Please stick up for the baby, he/ she needs you to. He is an arse, and the court would see that.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 01:07

It is very early days in the break up... is there any possibility that things could be sorted out before the birth?

solidgoldbrass · 27/06/2012 01:09

Has there been violence OP? If so, has it been officially documented (police, medical care?) If that's the case then you can really dig your heels in and insist on short spells of supervised contact.
If there hasn't been violence and he is just being a knob, the law is still going to be on your side as it is not good for a small baby to be taken away from its mother for long periods of time. Get some professional advice, never mind what he says or what he wants, he is not the one who matters here.

auntmargaret · 27/06/2012 01:12

I was a SP with DD1. But also ebf with both kids til weaning at 6 mths. There is no court in UK would interfere with your right to ebf and DCs right to be ebf'd. May give you some breathing space. But even if you ff, he is still being hugely unreasonable ( not to mention deluded)