To not want to leave newborn DD with my ex?

[snowdropsinmay]

This could be long, sorry.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with DD, first baby. DH and I split up 2 weeks ago now, I don't really want to go into it but it wasn't a nice situation, and I know it's early days but I have no plans to go back.

SO DH is now obviously worried about how custody arrangements are going to work, his suggestion is that while I am on maternity leave ( one year) I have DD in the week during the day, and he has her overnight Friday and through to Sunday evening. He wants to start this arrangement as soon as shee's born from the word go. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I have told him I don't feel comfortable being seperated from her so quickly for so long. His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

For other reasons I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD alone with DH as it is, and for such long periods of time so soon seems just horrific to me. Or am I being completely selfish not letting him 'share' DD? I don't know anymore.

Thank you

Maria he's a dick because his response to OPs concerns is to talk about what he deserves rather than what is best for the baby. Anyone whose focus is on their rights where a newborn is concerned is by definition a dick. He's also a dick for suggesting that OP should ff if that's easier, and of course for his suggestion about ff-ing the baby at weekend. That's not because they were silly suggestions- there's nothing dickish about him being totally ignorant of how breast feeding works. There's a lot dickish about him arguing with OP about feeding options despite this obvious lack of knowledge.

None of this is to say that XH shouldn't be very involved in the baby's upbringing, or that shared care isn't a possible or desirable outcome eventually. It just means he's a dick.

Ment to add that perhaps the others are right perhaps he just dosnt understand but even if that were the case he is expressing his uninteligence in a way likly to cause you stress and worry any reasonable person who know this is unaceptable behaviour to a pregnant woman who is carrying your child.

From the posts you have written it's obvious he is scaring you it's obvious he is worrying you it's obvious he is asserting HIS rights with little or no regard for the babys rights or you as a mother that IS controling and abusive even if it's stand alone behaviour. if this is correct no professional will not notice this.also chat to your midwife and get her to explain to you why this suituation is not really acceptable the impact it could have on the baby

As far as I'm concerned a newborn baby needs to be with their mum and vice versa. Your ex is being totally unrealistic with the idea of him having the baby Fri-Sun, especially if you are to have a chance of success with breastfeeding.

Please, please get some legal advice on this - don't be bullied into these arrangements!

His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

I think you should refuse to discuss residence and contact (it's no longer called custody/access) until you have recovered from the birth. He cannot force you into any contact arrangements - only a court can do that. If he is stupid enough to go to court with his completely mad proposal it will take months anyway.

Another poster suggested you contact your GP surgery and speak to a pro-breastfeeding health visitor to give you an idea of what you can expect in the first few months. That is a very good idea, and it may be that your ex will benefit from a meeting too.

However, in the next few weeks you need to concentrate on the fact that you will soon be a mother. Get the practicalities sorted out about where you will live, your finance etc. See a solicitor.

Tell your DH you will be happy to attend mediation when you feel ready to after the birth.

If the situation is causing you stress you are not required to see your ex or discuss matters with him.

I am reproducing below some information I put together for another thread in relationships:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor.

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship
static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp
Handy tax credits calculator:
taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx
Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Support for women:

www.maypole.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
www.gingerbread.org.uk/
england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships

(Re Shelter and all other advice websites - if you are not in England follow the links for the relevant advice eg Scotland, Wales)

Dd3 is 6 weeks old and ebf. There is no way I would leave her with Dh overnight let alone for a whole weekend at this stage and probably not for many months yet. And this is despite the fact that we are together, not separated, and Dh is a great dad.

It's just not realistic for a young bf baby to be separated from their mum. Hopefully your h just doesn't realise that?

OP please see this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/1504011-Free-online-advice-session-to-help-with-your-separation-and-divorce-questions

He's being naive at best. FWIW my DH split with his ex when their DS was 6 months old. He was formula fed but nonetheless, my DH and his ex were able to agree on him staying over at hers at the weekends, to maintain contact.

Your situation is more complicated as you say you can't be in the same room as him but IM(albeit limited and secondhand)E caring for your newborn together, in one house, is the best solution.

My DH and his ex did not split amicably so both had to put their own feelings to one side to do what was best for their DS but in the long run it meant my DH had a proper relationship with his DS and his ex had a co parent.

I know a mum who had a 1yo when I met her and he only started having overnight stays with his dad when he turned 2. They'd split up when he was 6 weeks.

Your ex clearly has no idea what's right for his child and is just trying to control you, which is quite pathetic of him.

a friend of mine seperated from babys dad during preg.
it went through solicitors etc..
and the dad was given a few hours during day at weekends, from about 4 months old. and this has gradually been increased to alternative weekends that include overnight stays. she is now 4. yrs.
this child was ff from outset, but still it was deemed that baby needed to spend nighttimes with mum, until had got used to staying at dads during daytimes.
get solicitors involved asap.

Oh snowdrops, nothing new to add really but your post has really upset me. You will not want any significant time away from your baby for the first few months and breast feeding takes weeks to establish - your baby will need to be with you all the time. An hour or so away will probably be the longest either of you can cope with initially.

This is heart breaking. Not least because I remember (all too well) how tiring and tough the last few weeks of pregnancy are.

I think you need a third party to mediate. Ideally a professional. Just a thought, but could you have a meeting with the senior midwife at your hospital (and any other professionals they can rope in) with your ex so they can explain how vital it is that a)your baby is with you (almost) all the time when newborn and b) how important it it for you and the baby that you are not stressed out at the moment? I think that if you go and explain this horrible situation to your hospital they will do all they can to help you.

So sorry op. Wish I could help in rl.

Oh, and I echo bumdrop. Close friend went through exactly the same - started with 1 hour twice a week with the baby (at Mum's house or out for a walk close to Mum's house and started overnights at 18 months. He has a very close bond to his son now.

What AF said ^ thread.

Just to add: when my DS was born his father and I were not on good terms and DS didn't meet his father till he was about a month old; contact after that was a bit intermittent for several months. DS is now 7 and has a loving and very involved father, with no lack of bonding whatsoever. So, OP, if this is a case of emotions being raw on all sides but your XH being a basically decent man, it's fine to stand your ground and insist on all contact being on your terms while the baby is tiny, building it up slowly and steadily. It won't 'harm the bond' between him and her. But WRT newborns, the man has to recognize that he is not the priority and mother and baby and their needs come way ahead of his 'rights'.

@snowdrop. I think there's maybe something, looking through your posts, that you need to decide for yourself - what are you going to offer ? I'm going to assume that there is no DV, if there is everything changes (and it that case it's obvious what you should do).

OK, you say you don't want to be separated for overnight. You're right. How long do you anticipate this being the case ? How long are you prepared for them to have together initially, and at what point would you be prepared to ramp it up ? You also say you don't want to either be in the same room as him and that you don't want him to be alone with his daughter. Can you compromise on either of these things? Because if there is no DV or similar then I think insisting on both of them is unreasonable.

I have no experience but I can only imagine that if you come to the mediating table with a reasonable offer you'll be in a stronger position than if you come with a list of requests that all taken together are pretty close to "I don't want my ex to see his daughter".

Let me insist once again that all of this is only valid if this is not a DV situation.

thank you so much everyone for all your advice and support. I've made an appointment with a solicitor and a mediation session, assuming I can persuade DH to go

squeakytoy I honestly don't know at this stage. The behaviour on DH's part which got us to this point is out of character, I wouldn't say extremely out of character but cetainly not normal for him. DH is having a difficult time at the moment, so I do think perhaps this could be affecting him, I don't know. I don't think I could go back to him but I could be friends for DD's sake, it all depends on how things pan out over the next few weeks. Just unfortunate that DD is due in the next few weeks really!

Yes, first baby for both of us.

There has been violence, yes, though it's all been in the past month or so and DH is evidently not himself at the moment. So I don't want to rule out him having a relationship with DD in the slightest because I'm still hoping he might see the error of his ways in time, I really can't tell at this point. I didn't have much of a relationship with my father growing up and I don't want that for DD, though obviously if I felt he was a danger to her I would do my utmost to protect her.

There are safeguarding issues, there weren't a few weeks ago but there are in my mind now. Again I know DH isn't himself at the moment, but that doesn't make me feel any better about leaving DD with him in a few months time, ISYWIM.

Snowdrop

You are being cagey about what has happened in your relationship - which is absolutely fine, it's none of our business, but you also say that DH is behaving out of character.

If I'm way off-beam then ignore me. But it is a fact that pregnancy can trigger domestic violence and abuse in men who previously were not abusive. In fact, something like a third or fifth of DV started during pregnancy. If this is the 'out of character' behaviour you are referring to, then take it seriously, get to a solicitor and get you and baby protected.

Hopefully I'm wrong - and you don't need to tell us more if you don't want to.

Ah. X post.

Phone Women's Aid, don't assume it will go away or that it's a temporary thing. As I said above, it's very, very common.

Wishing you love and strength.

WilsonFrickett sorry, conscious I don't want to make myself to easily recognisable. MIL died earlier this year, DH was very close to her and he's been quite poccessive since then. The out-of-character behaviour (DV) started about a month ago just after he lost another relative suddenly. I have thought about pregnancy being the trigger, but because I know he's been affected by losing two close relatives in such a short space of time I can't tell for sure IYSWIM. Though as I said before I couldn't go back to him now, any salvaging of thing we do now will be for DD's sake.

It doesn't really matter what the trigger was though, it's now triggered and you need to protect yourself and your baby. I just wanted to let you know that it's 'known' if you see what I mean, and that you're not the only one and that you don't have to put up with it either.

((hugs))

I hope you'll come back to your thread in Relationships too, Snowdrops.

OP, do you realise you are mitigating domestic violence ? That you are excusing it ? Please don't do that. If not for yourself, at least don't be guilty of absorbing and disseminating such dangerous myths. There is no excuse ever for domestic abuse

I am glad that you have left him, and you seem clear the romantic relationship is over. But don't let him off the hook now.

I haven't seen any other threads of yours, btw. I am just going off what you have said here.

You need to make sure all the violence is documented - tell the midwife, the HV, the police - anyone who is interested.

Having a newborn overnight is not going to happen. Work on the assumption that once the baby is a few weeks old there will be supervised contact for short periods several times a week, with longer visits after 6-12 months, and maybe overnights by about 2. I don't think this half-a-week thing will happen (if at all) before the child is 3.