To not want to leave newborn DD with my ex?

[snowdropsinmay]

This could be long, sorry.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with DD, first baby. DH and I split up 2 weeks ago now, I don't really want to go into it but it wasn't a nice situation, and I know it's early days but I have no plans to go back.

SO DH is now obviously worried about how custody arrangements are going to work, his suggestion is that while I am on maternity leave ( one year) I have DD in the week during the day, and he has her overnight Friday and through to Sunday evening. He wants to start this arrangement as soon as shee's born from the word go. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I have told him I don't feel comfortable being seperated from her so quickly for so long. His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

For other reasons I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD alone with DH as it is, and for such long periods of time so soon seems just horrific to me. Or am I being completely selfish not letting him 'share' DD? I don't know anymore.

Thank you

Is your husband receiving any sort of counselling or anger management or something with regard to the grief he has experienced. I am in no way condoning DV at all, but if he accepts it is wrong, thats its his fault and within his control and he is actively doing something positive to sort himself out that would go some way to helping you address the situation with regard your soon to be born baby. You do say that it is out of character so maybe he can get it sorted. Grief does have a funny way of manifesting itself (and i stress again i am not condoning DV)
I tend to agree with others here that he is likely to be feeling vulnerable and scared that he may not be able to be a father to his child - that you wont 'let' him see the baby. Of course being a new dad he has no idea about the demands on a mother and the needs of a baby. I doubt he would even think about the whole establishing breast feeding issue.
As hard as it is now, it is best for your baby if your husband can be a good dad and be involved in co parenting. I would expect in time as emotions become less raw you will both be able to have better more amicable discussions.
I would absolutely support any advice to seek legal advice here but would add a word of caution - if you go spouting to him that you have sought it he will likely also treat that as confrontational and get more defensive. When solicitors get involved things can go from bad to worse.
Maybe all he needs to know at this point is the reassurance that despite what has happened you WANT him to be actively involved and will not cut him out of your baby's life? Maybe the details of how this will work can be left until a bit of time has passed?
But i also think that over night stays are probably not an option - i don't think i could have been parted from mine.
I wish you lots of luck and hope you can resolve this amicably and agreeably for everyone concerned, most importantly your baby
x

OK, so there has been violence, and I appreciate that you think it may be down to him having MH issues at present. Fair enough but also whatever - don't waste time feeling sorry for him. Contact a solicitor and Women's Aid: your position is that this man has been violent, is currently behaving strangely, your DD's safety would be at stake and therefore there will be no contact without clear proof of commitment to improved behaviour on his side. You may well be able to get a non-molestation order which will keep him away from you under pain of arrest.
Also (as sometimes happens with abusive men whose partners throw them out in pregnancy) he may well start mouthing off about how it's his 'right' to be there when you give birth. This is complete bullshit and you can inform the hospital staff that he is not to be allowed anywhere near you.
Protect yourself and your DD. He is an adult and can sort his mental health out on his own time; until he does so you just need to keep him away from you.

I don't know anything about DV but I would say that the extreme stress of a newborn can sometimes drive otherwise calm people to do things they wouldn't normally, such as DV. And sometimes against the baby.
I had PND and in my darker moments felt like hurting her. I never did. Sometimes I had to give her to my DH and have some time out.
I wouldn't want anyone with a history of very recent DV to be left alone with a newborn for 2 nights in a row. The stress of that could push him into something horrible.
He needs proper help before he can have overnights.

The DV changes everything I'm afraid.

FYI anger management has not been advocated as suitible for dv perps for many years it's concidered dangerious

Fathers can get perinatal depression too.
Not, by any means saying that's what's going on with him.... but worth a consideration?

christ almighty

perinatal depression in a violent man "worth consideration" ?

Could it not sometimes be linked to DV suddenly appearing in pregnancies?

Nobody would have access to my children who are violent.

Op please don't put him on the birth cirtificate as he will have automatic parental control.

They are married McHappy

I think that would be very impractical if you were BFing and unsettling for the baby

I wouldn't leave my baby with anyone who is violent either. Especially as babies can cry and he might get frustrated trying to settle it. Go to the police/MW this week and get everything written down and logged for the childs benefit.

Loads of people suffer the loss of much loved parents but don't then go and beat their spouses up. Please don't excuse or try and justify his behaviour Snowdrop.

Do not, under any circumstances, give in to your exH's demands. Aside from the fact that you're planning on breastfeeding and it's just not practical to have the baby away from you for nearly half the week - if he can't 'cope' with the stress of losing a parent, how will he cope with a miserable screaming newborn?

Leaving DV out of it, its such a shame that dads are seen as second rate parents. If they ask for access from the start they are considered controlling yet a mother expects automatically to get it. Cries of "i cant leave my baby" yet the estranged dad is expected to do just that for long periods of time.

Such double standards.

why would you "leave DV out of it" on this thread of all threads, Happy ?

perhaps that debate about men's rights would be better placed elsewhere

Perinatal depression in men my arse.

Its well known that DV can start during pregnancy, its to do with jealousy and control not depression.

Happymumofone

That's nonsense, how you can say leaving DV out of it then say that claptrap I don't know.

Leave DV out of a thread where a woman has been subject to violence by her spouse.

so, on this thread where a woman is frightened her violent ex will be able to take her newborn baby away from her for days at a time we get...

1. he might have perinatal depression

2. this isn't fair, menz have rights too

3. accusations of "double standards"

I am still waiting for "men get hit too" and we will have a fiull house.

Really ?

Are people so fucking uneducated about DV that they still come out with this shit ?

Don't be silly HappyMummy, men and women are biologically different and for better or worse, have different roles in conceiving, gestating birthing and feeding babies.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. You have done the right thing in separating before the birth, rather than taking head-in-the-sand approach.

I would suggest that you do not enter into any agreements re: visits etc now, in fact wait until after you've had legal advice and after the birth. I think that your current focus should be on preparing for motherhood. Inform your MW about your situation- both the DV and your plans to BF. Each of these will trigger postnatal care and support that you may be very grateful of after the birth. Also, try to setup your postnatal support network now. This could include stocking the freezer, setting up accounts and shopping lists for.internet food shopping, and of course thinking about friends, family or paid help to look after you so you can look after your baby. E.g. if someone offers to help, let them do housework while you bond with your child. Visitors should be happy with a quick cuddle with your baby and then make themselves useful- don't do housework unless it's vital. Enjoy the early days together.

Also, I believe that legally, your ex wouldn't be granted overnight stays in the child's first year- omitting the DV- so please don't agree to anything in mediation without taking separate legal advice.

My DH found pg a very difficult time. He didn't beat me though.

TBH I couldn't give a shiny shit about why pg triggers DV. What I can do is support women who are being abused and encourage them to leave their abusive partner, which snowdrop has done. I salute her courage.

Once is too many times and there is no excuse. And frankly he signed away his rights when he lifted his hands. And happy I do see violent, abusive and controlling men as second-rate parents I'm afraid, and so do the majority of posters on this thread, thankfully. You can't leave DV out of a thread about DV.

Taking DV out of it, ( but okay,) no court in the country would insist on overnight contact for a baby so young, breastfed or not (although the breastfeeding is important.) You need to seek legal advice, and be prepared for it to go to court.

It is the baby's rights which are important here, not the father's, and although it might be inconvenient it's recognised that with young babies contact little and often is more beneficial - perhaps an hour or so every day or a few times a week, preferably at first with the mother present if the parents can be amicable. (This would not be appropriate in a post-DV situation.)

Of course a mother has access to the child from the start (unless she's choosing to give the baby up for adoption) - she's been that child's sole source of life for nine months and if she breastfeeds (universally recognised as best for the baby) she is it's sole source of nutrition. Her smell is familiar to the baby and it is traumatic for it to be parted from her in those early days. There have been studies done on this. I trust you know how to use google, if you wish to read them.

When you add the DV into it you get all this plus the overwhelming need to protect that baby. If you had a relative who had a track record of violence you probably wouldn't be handing the baby over to them unsupervised however eager they were to see them. It isn't different because he's the baby's father. If anything it makes it more dangerous because the figures show that men who abuse their partners are extremely likely to abuse their children as well.

Thing is, pregnancy and the postnatal period are the times when the mother's wishes and needs come ahead of the father's.' End of. Unless the mother is severely mentally ill or a raving crackhead, and even then the focus should be on supporting her and the baby rather than the man. When the man's already behaved badly ie been abusive then his wishes become completely unimportant, he has to earn* any privileges or favours because he forfeited his rights by his violent behaviour.

The reason why things like pregnancy, a new marrige,a recent engagement a birth or recent cohabitation are triggers for DV are very simple and calculated put plainly it's because violent men target vunrable partners they can usually tell within a few dates if they can get away with power and control they often build up to violence by using isolation inforcement and self easteam 'games' till such time as you have made a significant comitment that is harder for you to end I.e I can't leave him I'm pregnant it seriously is that calculated.

A woman is 70% More at risk of greater injury or murder than they would be from the violent partner normally at the time of leaving and 6 months after than at any other time so it is imperitive that you protect yourself more now than ever, you also do not need to have previously reported the dv for it to be taken into account by the courts or police and you can talk with the dv officer at your local police station if you want to that can help you massively also every area has a dv forum and they will contain at least 1 legal aid solisiter with additional experance of dealing with dv cases your dv officer can tell you which firm in your area is represented on the forum,I would surgest you then make an appointment with that firm.
You are under no legal obligation to hand your baby over to him without a court order however he can take child if given the opertunity so do not give him the opertunity to do so even if it means hiding from him, for him to assert any rights he feels he has HE HAS TO take you to court so you do not have to even engage with him at all

Forgot to add emergency legal aid is automaticly availible when dv is an issue

OP please ignore the idiotic 'devil's advocate' comments. He IS a dick.

No decent man would suggest that you are seperated from you baby for 2 nights a week. He is thinking of HIS needs not yours or the babies.

It will not work, people can spout on about fathers rights all they wants it is not practical for a newborn to spend a weekend away from their primary caregiver each week. I would not even consider this until at least a year old.