To not want to leave newborn DD with my ex?

[snowdropsinmay]

This could be long, sorry.

I am 33 weeks pregnant with DD, first baby. DH and I split up 2 weeks ago now, I don't really want to go into it but it wasn't a nice situation, and I know it's early days but I have no plans to go back.

SO DH is now obviously worried about how custody arrangements are going to work, his suggestion is that while I am on maternity leave ( one year) I have DD in the week during the day, and he has her overnight Friday and through to Sunday evening. He wants to start this arrangement as soon as shee's born from the word go. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I have told him I don't feel comfortable being seperated from her so quickly for so long. His response is that he's her dad and he deserves an equal amount of time with her.

For other reasons I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD alone with DH as it is, and for such long periods of time so soon seems just horrific to me. Or am I being completely selfish not letting him 'share' DD? I don't know anymore.

Thank you

I bf DS and he wouldn't take a bottle. Assume he would of if the choice was starvation but would of stopped bf entirely. I think regular visits of 45minutes to an hour would probably be feasible for a newborn.

It would be cruel to separate the baby from you at such a young age IMO.

Once you meet your baby I expect they'll be no way you'll let this happen anyway!

He needs to change his mindset - it's not about what he deserves. That's actually irrelevant right now. It's about what's best for the baby.

In your position I'd go for mediation.

You need to consider what an infant needs as far as caregiver goes. I don't think that changing caregivers like that is beneficial for kids. certainly it happens if parents must work, but if it doesn't have to happen then it shouldn't. I also think he doesn't understand how hard it is to care for a newborn. You cant just drop stuff off for him he'll have to have a lot of his own stuff, and having him visit wt your place while you go have some me time might work better for everyone.

Just so you know you can't bf for 4 days and then ff for 3days at the beginning. It just won't work. Also that child will be totally unsettled if you are both doing different things at night etc.

YANBU and exh needs a reality check.

It might be worth finding a pro bf hv at your practice and organise an appointment for DH. I think a hcp explaining what' s best/ needed for baby may make it easier for you and avoid the suggestion that you are just being difficult/ obstructive.

He is utterly deluded and is in for a shock when he realises newborn babies can be complicated little things that thrive on routine.
Your newborn should stay with you, he can visit.
I'm sorry OP but he sounds like a dick.

OK I'm going to play devil's advocate here: but how is the ex a dick?! Surely he's just an anxious, worried father-to-be who wants to make sure he has access & the opportunity for a proper relationship with his baby? Everyone keeps referring to the baby as the OP's ('your baby') but it's equally his baby.

I do agree with the idea of mediation, there are some great services (OP: do you live in London?) for couples who are splitting up & who would like to think together about the best arrangements for the children. This needs careful thinking and the ex can't really be blamed for not knowing the ins and outs of life with a newborn if he hasn't had a child. Cut the guy some slack! We know nothing of the circumstances of the breakup... we only know it was very recent (=ie lots of high emotions at the moment). It may be that he has the best possible motivation to want to have access to his baby. And in my view, it's in the long run much, much more important for the baby to have a father than to have a few more months of exclusive bf as some MNetters seem to be implying here!

It does sound unrealistic, however, for a variety of reasons, for him to have the baby for 2 days a week, bf being only one of them; the baby's routine & the idea of predictability come higher up in my list. Mainly I would try to find creative solutions for him to have regular contact, something much more though than '45 mins here and there' as lots of posters have suggested. OP, you need to find a way to be a parent together with this man, to make co-parenting decisions with him, and to allow him the chance to create a proper relationship which is his right. All this is really tough if you're pregnant and angry & upset etc, which is why if I were you I would go, together with your ex, to a good service that can help: not just with legal arrangements but with emotional / communication ones. There are excellent places you could go, but I would do this sooner rather than later as otherwise it's possible you'll have the baby & have to deal with all that then for the very first time (which you will have to anyway), and it's really a good idea to have your support structures in place before you have your baby, not after: you really don't want to be arguing all the time once you have the baby, at that stage you'll need all the rest & support you can get...

I agree that the OH's plan sounds very impractical and something else should be put into place, but I don't think on the basis of what we have here that he's necessarily a dick - if it's his first baby he may have no idea how impractical it is and he may be panicking unnecessarilty about losing contact with his LO. Though some of the things you've written suggest that there are other major issues...

You might try to find some neutral and knowledgeable third party who can explain to him that little and often will be better for all concerned (probably even from a point of them bonding). If he is genuinely wanting to maintain a bound with his child, that might sort things out - if not, not...

I maintain my position!

PS. Unless you have serious safeguarding issues, "I'm not sure I'm comfortable leaving DD with DH as it is" is a little unreasonable IMO. His is her parent just as much as you are. (This of course doesn't apply if there are serious safeguarding issues).

It's not possible OP it really is that simple.

Is he a reasonable man? Are you going to be able to talk to him about this is a way that takes into account prioritising the needs of your baby? At best he sounds unrealistic, at worse he sounds very selfish.

The fact that he is so cavalier about and knows so little about the feeding issues suggests that he hadn't bothered to find much out, which is worrying.

I think there is much more going on here.

OK I'm going to play devil's advocate here: but how is the ex a dick?!

To even suggest such a ridiculous idea that is clearly not in the babies best interests suggest to me he is not just a dick, he is a controlling dick.

I bet he's made lots of noise about his 'rights' too.

It really is possible for fathers to have regular, close access & is also his right! There are plenty of fathers who take close, good care of newborns, I don't see why it's presented as an impossibility!

Also: the fact that he doesn't know much about newborns may well have to do with his anxiety after what sounds like a painful breakup AND the pregnancy of his ex partner, and impending fatherhood, rather than being a dick.

Cut the poor guy some slack!

And OP, you really do need to find a way to work closely with him, otherwise you'll risk your child not having a father which would really be a shame. In my view, you need to get support & help for this very complicated matter as I suggested earlier... there are many sources of help available.

Tell your ex to get off "fathers rights" sites and get in the real world

There is no court in the land that would support this kind of cruel and impractical set up

Tell him to take a running jump and agree to nothing until you have taken professional advice

Is there a history in your relationship that he threatens you with absolute shit, and you believe him ?

He is talking crap, and as soon as you look into this you will find that is so

A couple of hours contact a couple of times a few times a week (with you not far away) is the best he can expect with a newborn. Best he realises that, unless he is going to continue to use this to frighten and control you

bring in the health visitor your gp and any other official you can think of all will side on the benifit of the child, especially if you intend to bf it sounds like your ex is trying to punish you

best of luck

Where does the OP say this guy 'frightens' & 'controls' her?!

The fact the dad expects to have a newborn from birth for 3 days a week and is only considering his own feelings about this, to me suggests a controlling aspect. No sane decent man would expect a breastfeeding mum (or indeed a mum who doesn't bf) to be apart from their baby from day 1 for long periods of time.

Maria the fact that he has her convinced this nonsense is even possible and something he can insist on suggests there is something like that going on (threats and control)

Oh and father (and mothers) don't have rights children do.

I am all for equal parenting, but NOt with a newborn! as I am sure others have said

he has not thought this through

suggest you invest in a lawyer, and get legal on this and let him know this is your plan

You've been given some great advice, I just wanted to sdd my voice to everyone elses and say YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO WHAT HE IS ASKING!
Good luck with everything op :)

I agree with Maria.

Obviously we all know that bfing for most of the week then ff at weekends won't work, but we only know that from experience, either our own or those we know about from others.

It's entirely possible from the info we have so far that the ex genuinely just doesn't understand that this is going to be impossible. That doesn't mean he is a controlling bastard, it means he doesn't know much about babies. But the same could be said about lots of wonderful parents when their babies hadn't been born yet. His emotions are likely to be running high too, and he coudk well be scared that he is going to be denied the chance to bond with his baby, and that's why he is being OTT.

In the OPs position I'd rather be dealing with an ex who was clueless but that wanted to be an active and involved parent rather than one who was prepared to walk away without looking back.

He has no rights, it's the baby that has the rights.

Anybody who would expect this to go on with a newborn using the grounds that they had rights is not the type of person I would expose my children to.
Phone comunity legal advice it's an 0845 number let me just go and find it 0845 456 59894 they will be more than happy to advise you and they are proper solisiters.
I have a friend who's ex did this she wasn't strong enough to put her foot down and assert herself he took the baby when it was 2 days old and intentionally kept him to prevent her breastfeeding it was just plain nasty.
A dad has NO parental responsability(legal rights) if he's not married to the mother till the baby is registered when baby is registered if unmarried dad is not on birth cert he has no PR people without pr who are not child welfare cannot take you to court till they have pr but even if they could no judge is going to make you or even recamend you do this the only time they would is if you were abusive or neglectful if this is not the case then you must get advice to stop him because if you don't it will fuck up your feeding and could cause issues for your babys relationship with you. I'm pretty sure the legal service number I gave you opens at 9 they are free so use them

OP I feel for you.

I also understand that your x is trying to safeguard his own position. No doubt he has been influenced by well meaning grandmother to be..

However there are just a few practicalities you need to consider which many others have already started on first and foremost bonding with mother. It is terribly important that if you do not wish to be separated from dd, or feel uncomfortable about it, or feel in any way under pressure to be apart from her, that YOU DO NOT HAVE SUCH SEPARATION. Women are at risk of PND in such circumstances, and you and the baby are the priority after birth. Simple as that.

Second, if you wish to bf you absolutely must be with your baby for as much as possible- yes I know people do express etc etc but ideally mum should be with her baby to anticipate quantities, growth spurts, and feed on demand. Hormones play a huge part in milk production and for the first six weeks OP your supply will be building up and becoming established. You should be in a position to have uninterrupted contact with your baby of you wish.

Third. Your x is talking custody already? Mighty premature of him to be splitting residence effectively and so soon. From a legal pov I'm pretty certain that contact and residence arrangements can vary and that in by no means all cases are children simply split on weekend lines. It would surely be exceptional and rare for a court to expect a mother to give up her baby (under one year) to x at weekends from birth. Your x is talking shared residence. I strongly suggest you stay firm and say no. Also question how much is mother (if alive or involved) is pushing this agenda of his.

When it comes to contact and residence it is the children's rights that are paramount. Your x should if he is reasonable be satisfied with weekly contact. Ie contact with dd alongside you perhaps at your home or of the home of a member of your family. There is absolutely no need for harsh lines of separation at this point.

Finally if you are not married your x will have no rights at all via a vid your dd unless and until he takes out a parental responsibility order with the family courts.

Wishing you a peaceful resolution to all this. Please beat in mind all everyone ha said about the importance of your contact with your child. She is not a car to be shared. She will be vulnerable, as will you be, and will need stability an responsive care in the early months. Please do not agree anything until you have take. Real life advice.

Sorry I see you are married. Doesn't affect one bit anything I have said save the parental responsibility order. He should visit you and dd. But you have residence and full care.

OP - is this your first baby?

Is it your ex-DH's first baby?