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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AlpinePony · 26/06/2012 19:31

Gnocchi I did it. I had an elcs. The first night I slept had him on my chest and was terrified I'd drop him/smother him but at least I was like a proper mother.

The second night I came to my senses sharpish and asked the midwives to look after him for a few hours and feed him because I knew it would be the last time I'd get to sleep for months (I live overseas and have no support network).

It was bloody wonderful.

The first time I gave birth I silently judged the girl in the bed next to me who FF and asked the nurses to look after her baby so she could rest. 19 months later when faced with #2 I knew which path I'd take! Wink

It's all great obviously apart from the fact I can barely remember my son's (is it a boy?) name and I've no interest in him. Wink

Byecklove · 26/06/2012 19:33

Afraid I'm with you OP. For a well mother and baby, next to/on mum is where baby belongs. They have a great system in Japanese birth houses. Mum and baby, and any other members of the family you want there (usually the dads) stay in their tatami rooms, which just look like lovely cushiony nests, for a week. They sleep, snuggle and rest.

Bigwheel · 26/06/2012 19:34

Yanbu, it is very sad IMO. So much research has showed the benefits of rooming in, for both mother and baby. Obviously in some cases it's just not possible, but where it is I find it sad that she's not giving herself and her baby the chance to reap the benefits. Appreciate I'm in the minority here, and of course it's her choice, but equally opinions are allowed to be expressed on mumsnet aren't they, even in you don't agree with them?

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 19:35

Thanks everlong and gin, as far as I can tell my only crime is posting my opinion on the Internet and I am unsure why I am being painted as this horrible judgey superior bitch....
.

OP posts:
everlong · 26/06/2012 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiggyfours · 26/06/2012 19:54

I think if many of us could stop ourselves from trying to do everything perfectly, we might benefit from using the nursery at night, or letting baby have a bottle from the midwife. The mums who are sensible, recover quicker and don't feel guilty for getting some sleep. Looking back, I think I would use the nursery and get some sleep, but at the time I wanted to do it all myself! You live and learn!

MrsApplepants · 26/06/2012 19:55

YABU. Nothing to be sad about. My baby was cared for in hospital nursery for the two nights I was in hospital. Normal birth and healthy baby but I was exhausted. The opportunity for sleep was there and I took it. After 2 good nights sleep and opportunity to get over the birth, I felt great. I look back at those early days and was really glad I did it, hasn't affected my bond with DD one bit. I do occasionally get the odd cats bum mouth if I mention this, but I couldn't care less what anyone else thinks about not 'rooming in,' I did what was right for me and my family.

You should support your friend to do what she thinks is right for her and her baby, without sadness.

Socknickingpixie · 26/06/2012 19:59

yabvvvvu

it used to be the norm back when they used to keep you in for 10 days for normal vaginal delivery

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 26/06/2012 20:01

YABU.
My DD spent a few hours in the nursery the night she was born. I needed my sleep, and they didn't allow DH to stay to look after her. I had been awake for 3 days without more than an hours sleep, it would have been a little bit risky to leave her alone with me as I was falling asleep sat up.
They brought her back for feeds as she was BF. It was only a few hours, but my goodness I felt like a new woman and was ready to care for my baby girl.
This is nothing new, when my Gran had my Dad, babies were taken to the nursery and brought back in the mornings. They coped fine.

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/06/2012 20:03

And in all fairness, a newborns needs are pretty basic, and can be totally catered for by MWs for a short period through the night.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/06/2012 20:03

OP - you aren't sad for your friend you are judging her.

You're judging she can afford to go private and have the birth she wants and need for the good of her sanity, healthy and family.

YABU

Spookey80 · 26/06/2012 20:06

Yanbu, but it prob doesn't matter what I think as its been a strong chat here.
I could never leave my baby, unless I had to for medical reasons, just after birth.

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 26/06/2012 20:06

God I would have loved this! My dd screamed solidly for both nights I was in hospital, and continued after I got home. It would have been bliss to have got 3 good nights sleep to recover from my cs, and I think I would have bonded with her far easier if I'd have had some sleep.

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 20:10

Jumping where am I judging her for going private...? I totally understand her reasons for going private after what happened first time round this has nothing to do with that.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 26/06/2012 20:13

How is the baby going to notice?

Baby will be clean, dry, warm and fed. Last time I checked that was all a newborn needed. A few hours sleep for mum will enable her to get into the swing of things as she recovers.

FWIW DS wasn't with me for five months after birth. Last time I checkd he still knew who his mum was more the pity now he's 7 and a handful

Thymeout · 26/06/2012 20:18

Just my opinion, based purely on personal and anecdotal experience, I think that although obstetrics may have improved, mothers were cared for far better in the 60's and 70's.
I don't care what the research says - and it's clear that other countries do not follow it.
It's not good for the baby if their mother is sleep-deprived and turfed out of the hospital on the same day, before feeding has been established, even first-time mothers. And they're desperate to go because they're having such a miserable time in hospital.
I have been shocked by the lack of care I have seen. All the focus is on the delivery, and then you're on your own. The midwives are rushed off their feet and the standard of some health visitors leaves much to be desired.
I'm sure there would be fewer cases of PND if time was spent looking after the mothers as well as the babies.

LeQueen · 26/06/2012 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrSeuss · 26/06/2012 20:22

Someone once compared giving birth to being hit by a bus then having to get up to run a marathon. Our local hospital has signs that basically say, your baby is always your problem. I would have loved a long sleep post delivery but it just wasn't an option. We had to shower with the baby in a wheely cot in the corner, I've seen women with wheely cots in one hand, a drip stand in the other and a blood bag going into their arm, staggering along to the day room. In most cultures, the family would step in to help the new mum. Your friend may feel differently once she has the baby or she may be glad to rest. Either way, not up to you. My mother had me in 1971 when it was normal to spend 10 days in hospital and was shocked to know that thee would be no night nursery available.

cory · 26/06/2012 20:23

We're not talking any old mum here, but a mum whose last labour was so bad that she has had to book and ELC and whose older child has been left with ongoing health problems. So somebody who might well be more tired than the average new mother and for whom the experience of being in hospital again may well be a bit stressful. Don't you think we could perhaps cut her a bit of slack?

fwiw I was so out of it after my emc that when the new midwife walked onto her shift in the morning and moved ds' cot so I could see him, I was embarrassed to realise I had spent the whole night in the same room as my new baby without even realising he wasn't in my line of vision

thekidsrule · 26/06/2012 20:31

havent read all but if i was paying private id expect the baby to be in a nursery at night and a full pedicure,lol

when i had my twins NHS i had them with me all the blardy time and had had a csection,it was no fun i can tell you

Snoopkat · 26/06/2012 20:43

My DD was in SCBU for the first week of her life. I was on the ward downstairs most of the night and they only called me to go up and feed her. Sometimes they offered to let me sleep and fed her for me (i was expressing anyway). I suppose I could have insisted on sitting next to her incubator all night but I didn't.

It certainly didn't affect our bonding in any way.

Snoopkat · 26/06/2012 20:44

My DD was in SCBU for the first week of her life. I was on the ward downstairs most of the night and they only called me to go up and feed her. Sometimes they offered to let me sleep and fed her for me (i was expressing anyway). I suppose I could have insisted on sitting next to her incubator all night but I didn't.

It certainly didn't affect our bonding in any way.

squiby2004 · 26/06/2012 21:04

I had my DD at a private hospital and DD went to the night nursery until I went home on day 5.It was bliss. I was back driving again 9 days post section and had an amazing recovery, partly due to outstanding post natal care I think.You sound jealous?

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 21:06

"How is the baby going to notice?

Baby will be clean, dry, warm and fed. Last time I checked that was all a newborn needed"

Hmm

At what point do we start treating them as human beings instead of hamsters who only have physical needs, not emotional?

"I think if many of us could stop ourselves from trying to do everything perfectly, we might benefit from using the nursery at night, or letting baby have a bottle from the midwife"

Sorry - providing normal physiological care for a newborn - close contact and breastfeeding - like most women around the world do without thinking about it, is 'perfect'? Last time I looked it was 'normal'.

And how do babies benefit from being given formula if breastmilk is available?

Note - almost every single comment here is about the needs of adults.

"In most cultures, the family would step in to help the new mum"

Yes - by caring for her AND her baby. Together. Not by removing the baby.

"Having your baby 'sleep on your chest for the first 3 nights' is meant to be an indicator of what exactly"

Never heard of 'kangaroo care'? Newborn babies are often happiest to sleep on mum's chest because 1) they are close to her breasts and can smell her milk 2) they can smell her skin and are comforted by it 3) they can hear her heartbeat, which is the sound which the most familiar to them, and therefore comforting 4) they can hear her voice and that it also comforting 4) the warm of her body stabilises their temperature.

Oh but hang on, this isn't about what's comforting and lovely for a tiny little newborn baby who's getting used to a completely new world.

This is about adult comfort and convenience.

Hence almost none of these posts speculate much about how a newborn baby might be feeling - their experience of being new to the world.

Because babies are just blobs aren't they? Not real people. Sad

Pumpster · 26/06/2012 21:07

What other op requires you to look after a newborn at the same time when recovering!
Yabu, her choice.