Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/06/2012 18:29

You didn't think it.

You started a thread about it.

Sounding very superior my DCs slept on my chest for 3 days

I judge you for that, it sounds flipping dangerous.

Krumbum · 26/06/2012 18:35

They used to do this for everyone back in the day but stopped because research showed it caused less boding between mother and baby. So they changed it benefit both. Is this a private hospital?

Original poster
Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 18:36

Thanks Pagwatch but i stand by my comments....you are all clearly better people than me.

Since when was it a crime to start a thread...

And it is ok for you to judge me about chest sleeping....that is acceptable judgeyness?

Ok.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/06/2012 18:37

Oh FFS I was being sarcastic

Original poster
Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 18:37

Thanks Pagwatch but i stand by my comments....you are all clearly better people than me.

Since when was it a crime to start a thread...

And it is ok for people to judge me about chest sleeping....that is acceptable judgeyness?

OK...

OP posts:
DancesWithSockPuppets · 26/06/2012 18:37

Inclined to agree with Pagwatch and OP - we've all thought that about others' parenting choices at some time. I could give some examples that would (I'm sure) earn me a lot more than 7 pages of solid bollocking.

DancesWithSockPuppets · 26/06/2012 18:39

Oh right, 8 pages now Grin

LtEveDallas · 26/06/2012 18:39

But if you didn't feel 'sad' for her OP. if you are retracting that statement, and replacing it with what, surprised? curious? wondering? or similar, then why would you have commented on the baby being with 'strangers' rather than mum?

I don't believe you didn't mean your OP how people have taken it, I believe that you are just backing down now that people have said YABU.

Oh and no, I don't wonder or raise eyebrows about the things my friends choose to tell me about. I engage with them and listen to them, without making a judgement about their choices. I like people with differences. If we were all the same life would be very boring.

Original poster
Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 18:40

That wasnt directed solely at u tantrums u werent the only one...

OP posts:
5inthebedPPA · 26/06/2012 18:50

Perhaps once the baby is here she will change her mind?

I have mentioned the horrific time I had having DS1 earlier on this thread. When I was pregnant with DS2 I was terrified the same would happen so had an ELCS. It was so much calmer, I felt in control and I certainly wasn't exhausted. I felt I bonded so much faster (instantly) wih DS2 than I did with DS2.

ginandslimline · 26/06/2012 18:55

OP - For what it's worth, I agree with you. All the poster who have expressed shock, disgust etc.. at you thinking you don't agree with a friend's decision must be saints! I often think that other people's choices aren't what I would do and I always thought that was normal. Of course it's different if you were to go around voicing your thoughts, but most people are able to keep their thoughts as just that.
You are not being a horrible friend and as I said before YANBU. From reading other posts on here it appears that many women have a great amount of guilt associated with child birth and raising children and can be extra sensitive when it comes to 'best practice' guidelines. That's a pity and it's a shame that something can't be done to stop women feeling so guilty about choices they make and events that are often outwith their own control.

Wimblehorse - Rooming- in is included in Step 7 of the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative (BFHI) which states that well babies and mothers should be allowed to stay together 24hours/day. The research showed that when babies and mothers were separated the babies breastfed less frequently, onset of milk production was delayed, jaundice was more common, babies gained less weight, babies in nurseries had more crying episodes and were responded to less frequently, and that mother experienced the same number of hours total sleep whether separated or rooming in, with babies having more 'quiet sleep' time than those in nurseries. I don't know if they separated out mothers in private single rooms and mothers in 4 bedded bays.

CheerMum · 26/06/2012 18:58

to be honest, you come across as an awful friend to have.

your friend went through a horrible time with her first birth and so she is trying something which she hopes will work better this time.

instead of trying to support her you decided to come and bitch about her choice on the internet??!!

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 26/06/2012 19:07

I think all sorts. I don't start threads about them because I'm not a complete masochist Grin

CharlotteLucas · 26/06/2012 19:07

My new baby (now three months old and an absolute darling) slept on my chest for the two nights I was in hospital after my c-section. I was put in a private room because he (and I) cried so much we disturbed others, and the midwives were too busy to come near us. He cried and cried and cried and I was terrified and almost psychotic with sleeplessness, and it was a horrible experience, rather than some kind of bonding one.

Having said that, I think I couldn't have let him out of my sight, but I'd be the last person in the world to judge someone who made the opposite decision.

ginandslimline · 26/06/2012 19:09

Cheermum - how do you know that OP isn't supporting her friend? She may well be offering her great support and simply be using this forum as a way to annon express her thoughts and to bounce ideas of other people.

CharlotteLucas · 26/06/2012 19:09

I agree about the chest sleeping being dangerous - at least in my case. I kept dropping off any time he calmed down for a minute and he could have fallen, those hospital beds are so narrow, and I had no idea what I was doing.

Angelico · 26/06/2012 19:10

Ginandslimline I suspect the real issues are low staffing on busy wards and insufficient numbers of private rooms. My friend checked herself out of hospital against medical advice following an emergency section because she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after hearing continuous crying for 2 nights on a 6 bed ward. Six mothers footering about and six babies crying in rotation. It actually seems inhumane to me to put women through that after having what we're always told is major surgery. Surely being exhausted and resentful hearing babies crying (not even your own) makes it harder to bond Confused

(Can you tell I am worrying about this in advance of my due date... and praying there will be private rooms free? :o)

Angelico · 26/06/2012 19:11

Charlotte I cross-posted - your experience is exactly what I worry about :(

Rockpool · 26/06/2012 19:12

Hmmmm my twins were in with me after my c/s and after 1 night of me having to haul myself up to ring the bell continuously to get someone to pick them up,put them back etc I was begging for some respite by the next night as I was utterly exhausted,trying to recover and dp wasn't allowed to stay.

Get over it,it's 3 nights.She has the rest of her life to be a mummy.

everlong · 26/06/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 26/06/2012 19:16

OTOH, I think AIBU is a good place to get your opinions out into the light so you take on other points of view they don't affect how you behave towards your friend. That is if you don't get so roundly attacked you end up all defensive.

I don't think it's fair to accuse anyone of being a bad friend for thinking something

EasilyBored · 26/06/2012 19:18

At the hospitla where I delivered, if you had had a complicated birth, and epidural or a section, then you weren't allowed to be ina private room anyway - you had to be in the ward where they could keep an eye on you better.

ginandslimline · 26/06/2012 19:21

Angelico, as a midwife working for the NHS I hear you! Where I work there are no private rooms. If a woman has had twins or has a baby in NICU or is very unwell then we do our best to get her a single room but as you said resources are limited.

I understand how difficult it is to rest in larger wards (having been in one myself as a new mum and having worked in them) but I still also believe that the best place for a 'normal' new baby, in terms of developing the mother-infant relationship and feeding, is in close proximity to his/her mother.

Of course there will always be exceptions to the rule but for the majority of mothers and babies rooming in is preferable to nurseries. (whqlibdoc.who.int/publications/2004/9241591544_eng.pdf - see Step 7)

only4tonight · 26/06/2012 19:21

After 3 days without sleep. A long painful labour resulted in shoulder dystocia. Massive blood loss and a lot of repair work. Unable to get up and tend to my baby. It would have made me a lot less tired, emotional, Shit and terrified (and may have helped me bf eventually but as it wad my milk never came in) if someone had taken het and looked after her so I could sleep some at least once.

As it was I left hospital after 6 days having had less than an hours sleep in that whole time. Yep great start.

If that's what your friend went through I can understand her thinking.

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/06/2012 19:24

After failing to BF last time and knowing for certain ill go straight to FF if I have another, I actually think it would be quite nice (for me) to get a few hours sleep after labour.

With dd I was so weighted down with responsibility I literally couldnt sleep as I just kept thinking 'what if she needs me?'