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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 26/06/2012 21:12

Shagmundfreud

Miss the part where I said my baby wasn't with me for five months did you? Of course they are human beings, but this baby isn't stranded on some bloody island trying to fend for itself. It is getting cuddles and love of mum during the day and getting fed at night by midwifes. Hardly child abuse or treating them like blobs.

Good on you for your self righteous posts about baby's rights - shitting on all others mums who didn't want to sleep with their newborns for the first three nights (or five months in my case).

GetDownNesbitt · 26/06/2012 21:30

DS1 I kept with me all the time.

DS2 - well, this is a bit shameful, but the woman opposite me buzzed for the midwife. Midwife presumed it was me, and offered to take unsettled baby away for a few hours so I could sleep. I zonked for five hours. I swear I didn't properly realise that she had come to the wrong person...even when the poor bloody woman opposite had to buzz another three times!

Bigwheel · 26/06/2012 21:35

Shagmundfreud, totally agree with you. Most of these posts seem to be what's best for mum, not baby. Smells, sounds, and most importantly touch is what a newborn needs (along with the obvious food, warmth etc- which can be gained by touch). Fair enough if you or your baby are sick, you can only do what you can do (although argueably mothers/babies close presence is even more needed) but in the case of healthy mums and babies I struggle to see what benefit the baby is getting from being sperated from the mother, and surely babies needs should come first.

CPtart · 26/06/2012 21:38

I'd have given my right arm for someone to take care of my DS for the first 3 months every night, let alone the first 3 nights!

everlong · 26/06/2012 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 21:40

"Good on you for your self righteous posts about baby's rights - shitting on all others mums who didn't want to sleep with their newborns for the first three nights"

Yes I did miss it.

But piss off anyway. As you say - this is about mums who DON'T WANT TO provide their tiny newborn babies with comfort at night hours after they enter the world. Not those who CAN'T because they are too unwell.

Most women are well enough to care for their baby. This thread is not primarily about babies who are separated from their mothers because they themselves need medical care, or because their mothers have had a general anaesthetic or who have severely compromised well-being.

I'm not 'shitting on' anyone.

Just pointing out that newborn babies benefit from being primarily cared for and fed by their mothers in the hours and days after birth, and from having prolonged skin to skin contact with them. Nothing about this is controversial, except on mumsnet it seems, where it's seen as a radical statement and a criticism of women who don't want to provide this kind of optimal care for their babies. Note - don't want to. Not can't.

Hence the number of posts insisting that babies are akin to hamsters - they only have physical needs that must be met. And number of posts where women talk at length about themselves with the baby's experience mentioned in a quick and dismissive aside.

JumpingThroughHoops · 26/06/2012 21:41

"In most cultures, the family would step in to help the new mum"

True - but in this culture, if MN is to go by, every bugger has a toxic or narc family that couldnt be trusted to feed the goldfish

scottishmummy · 26/06/2012 21:45

what a ghastly and judgmental way to feel
I hope she has better pals than you

CakeBump · 26/06/2012 21:50

Sounds like bloody bliss to me.

My friends had a night nurse for the first 3 weeks, and if I could afford it, I would definitely consider the same.

As it is I'll probably be pacing up and down every night for weeks cluelessly jiggling a screaming baby when I have DC1 in December, but there you go....

jollyrancher · 26/06/2012 21:59

Shagmundfreud did you miss the bit where the OP said her friend was having a cs? No matter how much we like to slag off women who aren't back to normal after a couple of days, it is major abdominal surgery. If you have a cs you will not be well.

featherbag · 26/06/2012 22:02

YABU. And judgey. And smug. I didn't even get to touch my DS until he was 4 days old, he is now 9mo and a happier more content baby you'll never meet. And no, you're not entitled to an opinion. I hope to fuck none of my friends are secretly like you!

scottishmummy · 26/06/2012 22:03

also,the mum had previous v bad labour
now I don't know what that means but If new mum feels she needs that level of support than that's her personal judgement

MaryPoppinsBag · 26/06/2012 22:03

If it helps her cope afterwards then why not?

If my baby had been in the nursery for a couple of nights when I first had him I might not have been the absolute wreck that was admitted to children's ward with feeding problems when DS2 was 5 days old. He had to be formula fed under Drs orders.

My husband asked, no actually told the staff nurse to take my son and feed him formula in the night because felt so poorly (Emergency C section following pre eclampsia). And that I wouldn't be trying to breast feed until morning.

People get through the early days the best they can! I found the first 6 weeks utter hell and because of this I will never have any more! Sorry for not being a perfect mother.
Angry

LtEveDallas · 26/06/2012 22:04

I'm not 'shitting on' anyone's

Yes you are.

Just pointing out that newborn babies benefit from being primarily cared for and fed by their mothers in the hours and days after birth, and from having prolonged skin to skin contact with them

and in doing so making mothers that couldn't do this for their babies feel like shit. If you believe babies suffer from not being with mum from birth, it doesn't matter why they aren't there, your logic says they are suffering.

DD wasnt allowed out of her incubator for more than an hour at a time. Not even if i was giving kangaroo care. An hour and she had to go back in, and wasn't allowed out for another 4 hours.

And now you are insinuating that I caused her further harm, because she needed me but I wasn't there. Well done

Why would you push your point of view knowing you were hurting someone? Even if that is truly what you believe, why would you do that?

Tugboat · 26/06/2012 22:07

YABU

Umm i had a great labour with my first dd but I am so awful to wake in the night that I actually asked if they would take dd2 into the nursery so i could sleep and not worry if i didnt wake for her! I did wake up at 6am to go get her though...Good job I did go when I did as I very nearly ended up with the wrong baby!!

:( I think it's awful that you are so judgemental!!

Mosman · 26/06/2012 22:10

There are babies who spend their first three nights been weaned off crack now they deserve our sympathy not this one.

Thymeout · 26/06/2012 22:10

Shag
I think this thread is about mothers who are sensible enough to realise they'd be better mothers to their babies if they were given the chance to catch up on their sleep.

I think OP implying that she is in some way a superior mother for not being able to do this is unreasonable and offensive.

And you should stop guilt-tripping those who feel differently from you. Even a normal first time delivery can be a traumatic experience without making mothers feel they're a failure before they've even started the long-haul of motherhood.

Bigwheel · 26/06/2012 22:12

To fair she's not commenting on people with babies in scbu etc, more mothers who make the choice to be separtrated from baby before birth. An hour in every 4 of close contact is probably more than a lot of full term, healthy babies get on the post natal ward, due to mothers choice. I'm sure both you and your baby benefited immensely from it.

mummahubba · 26/06/2012 22:14

I think it's sad too and selfish, there I said it. Honestly isn't it obvious that if you choose to have a baby you might spend your first few nights as a mother (at the very least!!!) looking after baby..c-sec pah! I've had three, plenty of women have traumatic and exhausting labours and still manage to care for their babies in those first few precious hours.

ReindeerBollocks · 26/06/2012 22:18

Thanks for telling me to piss off Hmm

You claimed that women were treating their newborns as hamsters/blobs/not human beings. I disagreed with that and said that your post would make other women feel bad, whatever the individuals reasons for not keeping their baby with them. There was no need to be aggressive towards me. But hey ho, that's the nature of AIBU I guess.

This is not child abuse or treating them like hamsters. For many years women were kept in bed for ten days in a similar fashion to give them rest, as labour can be traumatic on the body and I believe it takes time to recover. Moreso when it's a CS (the elective bit isn't relevant given the ladies history).

This woman is not solely abandoning her baby just wanting to rest at night before discharge, where she will be then a full time mum for the time being. Even then, baby will be with mum all day long and recognise her smell, and sense her presence and get lots of skin to skin time.

My DS knew me and my smell despite us not being together. We had no skin to skin for months. He was surprisingly a contented baby, given that he wasn't with me 24/7. Just goes to show that babies will not be harmed or damaged by a few hours away from mum, when she is resting (not even like she's off out partying or something equally outrageous).

Tangointhenight · 26/06/2012 22:22

I begged them to take DD the second night, I hadn't slept in 4 days and had an extremely traumatic labour and birth, they took her for all about 15 mins and brought her back because she was hungry. My nipples were raw and I cried, all night, all the next day and night, and pretty much everyday for 6 months after.

Don't judge, some people just can't cope, its not a failure imo, its not like the baby will remember 10 years down the line and a well rested mum is more useful than a shattered, blubbering mess.

Socknickingpixie · 26/06/2012 22:30

everlong i think shes being u but obviously i forgot to add that whilst it was the done thing when they used to keep you in hospital for ages i have had other children since and the two that have been born when it was normal to boot you out of hospital after 2 days (in one childs case) and 20 hours in the other both were with me the whole time and never sent or taken off anywhere.
tbh i would have loved to have had them taken off for a few hours whilst we both slept because to be perfectly honest i couldnt sleep at all when in the hospital because all i could do was just sit there staring in a really sort of goofy bemused OMG i made that way sort of alternating between that look and being petrifyed if i took my eyes off them for even a second they would disapear hence why when i left hospital i looked like a zombie

horriblefilagain · 26/06/2012 22:33

Shagmund, I agree with every word you say. What a sad thread. It's one thing to have a moment of desperation and exhaustion and beg the midwives to take your baby, but to cold heartedly plan for your tiny newborn to be removed from you so your own needs are met is horrible. A baby needs his or her mother in the hours and days following birth, obviously this is not always possible, but the OP's friends sounds as if she is putting her needs first and not considering her new baby's.

Rockpool · 26/06/2012 22:34

Well I've put my 3 first continuously since they were born,could fill the screen (like most mums) with what I've given up,sacrificed etc over the last 8 years .Guess what in 10 years time I think I know what all 3 will remember and it won't be the first night I became a mum.Grin

What a major fuss over nothing,we're talking 3 nights.Really don't get people who get so obsessional over newborns.They're not made out of Dresden china and it's a marathon not a sprint,plenty of time to aim for mother sainthood of the year after one has recovered from giving birth,grab the help whilst you can.

scottishmummy · 26/06/2012 22:35

sad lack of empathy for new mum
probably terrified after previous bad labour
and if this 3day respite gives her physical and mental stability then good luck to her