to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

[Whoneedssleepanyway]

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

Not read all, but what about mothers who have no choice? I was kicked out of hospital the next day and DS was on the SCBU for nearly 3 weeks. I had no choice but to leave him there every night, and it didn't affect our bonding.

I've read your later posts. I just think its offensive to mothers who felt like shit after major abdominal surgery and to mothers (often the same ones) who were separated from their children due to their own or their childs need for intensive care. Saying you feel sad for these babies is because they weren't treated as well as your own babies isn't nice. My ds wasn't lying in intensive care thinking "Well, I would rather have mammy with me than strangers but she isn't feeling too good after the cs and I'm not well either so we will just have to make the best of it." My ds's trauma, if he suffered any, from not having me with him is no less than a baby who ended up being cared for by staff for any other reason.

Yabu.

I had my elcs 11 days ago and I didn't sleep for 3 nights because of all the screaming babies on the ward (mine seemed t sleep well). If we had had a nursery we might all have got some bloody sleep!! It was exhausting!!

Babies won't remember who looked after them for the first 3 nights.

Op you are, of course, a considerably better mother because your dc slept on your chest for the first 3 nights.

That what you wanted to hear?

If someone has an operation, you are expected to rest yet you have a csection which IMO is major abdomal surgery and within an hour expected to be able to care for a baby. To me it sound madness.

Rather a new mum is well rested

Tbh I think people are giving the op a hard time.

It is rather sad that she feels like she needs to do this, and I would think that it is rather odd too.

I just don't know why any mum would choose to be separated from her newborn.

It makes me sad that we live in a world where mothers are judged for being apart from their baby after major surgery, as well as the implications in your OP about bottle fed babies.

What bonnie said a few posts in.

Save your sorrow for a child who needs it.

I had no choice but to be separated from dd2 for three WEEKS at nights because she was in intensive care and then SCBU.

I had a CS too, and to be honest, I think one of the reasons I recovered so quickly physically was because I got some rest.

I still bf, did skin to skin as soon as I was allowed to hold her, and am extremely close to her.

But given that you might not get another good nights sleep for years if some of you on here are to be believed, then I hope your friends three nights go well.

Btw is it recommended/safe to sleep with a newborn on your chest in a hospital bed????

I don't know why anyone would choose to be well rested and ready to look after 2 DCs either.

I mean we all know that giving birth means you cannot be separated from your newborn for more than 3 seconds.

How dare she want to recover from a c section in hospital.

I can see why some women would choose to use the nursery so they can get some sleep knowing their baby is being cared for. I can also see why some would prefer not to be separated and would want to keep their baby in their own bed or room. It's not hard to have a bit of empathy and realise that different people have different circumstances, preferences and needs.

"Save your sorrow for a child who needs it."

This wouldn't be my personal choice - but then again I have had two exceptionally quick and easy births, two easy recoveries and two quite easy-going babies.

I have no idea how I would feel about it if I had had a traumatic first birth and was facing major surgery for my second.

And neither do you, OP. Only your friend can make this decision because she is the only one who knows how she thinks and feels about the situation.

Her child, her choice. I had to stay in 3 nights after a CS, nurses would come onto ward and take all the babies to their work station so the mums could try and sleep between feeds. I was grateful, it's no different surely ?? Are you jealous of the fact she's going to get taken care of so well?

jollyrancher you have totally misunderstood me.

sad was the wrong choice of word for my OP, surprised maybe.

I am sad for any baby in SCBU because they are in SCBU ergo are sick and needing special care this is totally different situation from my OP, I am not trying to make any parent feel sh1t because their child went into special and I am certainly not saying they weren't treated as nicely as my child where have I said that. Wouldn't anyone feel sad that a baby had to go into SCBU, that isn't what this thread is about but I am sorry if I have caused offense to anyone who has been in this situation and mis-interpreted what I was trying to say.

YANBU to feel sad. You say that you haven't made any comments to your friend so I don't think you are being judgemental either.

If baby and mum are well then the best place for the baby to be is next to the mum (and I don't mean right next to her, rather rooming in). All the recent evidence states this, which is why NHS maternity wards are not allowed to separate mum and babies unless there is a medical need. As a midwife, I know that some babies do get taken out of the ward to be comforted if they are very unsettled and mum needs a sleep, but strictly speaking we're not supposed to do this. There is a well quoted study which showed that babies and mothers who room in sleep just as well (if not for longer) than those who are separated.

Of course if a baby is sick then it needs to be in SCBU, but that's a completely different thing to a well baby.

Just because many of us were put in nurseries at night, it doesn't mean that it now is the right thing to do. Practices have moved on since then and as I said before all the evidence points to rooming in being best both for mum and for baby.

I would have really benefitted from getting three nights sleep after 22 hours of labour and an emcs!

I would have loved this.
This would not have precluded me loving my baby either.

ebbandflow what on earth are my implications about bottle fed babies? I have no issue about bottle feeding at all, do you know how i fed my babies, no you dont so massive assumption there. Her point was she wouldnt need to feed herself so could hand baby over...

I was having hallucinations the first night after my Emcs, due to tiredness and morphine. Non one helped me. It was utterly shit.

With my second birth, I had to have a blood transfusion, and the bay wanted to be on me, which I tried to do until exhaustion made me give in. I bless to this day those lovely matt of fact midwives who swaddled him and walked him away from me to let me sleep

...... baby wanted to be on me all night, with a blood line in my arm, trying to hold him with the other

I was just about to post what a great idea it would be to have the option for someone else to take care of the baby while the new mother gets some rest. In the daytime, the baby's father can visit and do this but is unceremoniously kicked out in the evening and then if you are in a room with 4 newborns, they tend to take it in turns to wake and cry.

gin was that study showing no difference in sleep done on a 4 berth ward or in a private room as I imagine there would be a difference between being woken just when your own child is unsettled/hungry vs when 4 of them are?

FWIW I ended up on antipsychotics after having 4 sleepless nights following the birth of ds1. Don't know if I would have taken up the option of someone else watching ds at night, but at 23 weeks pg with ds2 I certainly would this time round....

OP YABU.

Poor old op. Retracted 'sad' as a bad choice of words. Apologised for any offence.
Her ass is still going to burn for another page or two.

Yabu. But you know that now.

Can i ask a question here, have none of you ever had a friend tell you something they plan to do and you have thought hmmm i probably wouldnt do that but you dont say anything as it is their decision...? Because you are all coming across that way.

For example another friend told me the other day she plans to send her DCs to boarding school, again i dont raise an eyebrow, but boarding schools not for me and dont totally understand why someone might choose that if not necessary (eg work overseas, forces etc)....but it is her choice and it works for her.

My OP was poorly worded but genuinely it was alien concept to me, i can see lots of you had reasons for doing this...i didnt mean to offend anyone who had choice taken out of their hands. But i resent implications that i am a horrible friend or think i am superior for choices i made for my babies as that is not the case.

Well, if you feel sad for her, you feel sad for her. Most people have enough other things to worry/feel sad about that relate to their own lives not the choices of others.

I think it is wonderful that your friend can give the baby to someone to look after during the night and get some sleep. Bonding happens over a lifetime, not the first three nights and not necessarily by having a baby strapped to your chest for days on end either. Each to their own