to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

[Whoneedssleepanyway]

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

oh god Lequeen your post has made me cry I went through a similar experience with DD1 although i didnt have a section but traumatic birth and i didnt get that rush either and i felt awful ,

Sending (cold and selfish) to Lequeen

I had a very different CS experience, but still remember very little about DS's birth (except freaking out because they counted all the instruments and at one point only got to 7 and I convinced myself this meant that DS had 7 of 'something' (fingers / toes etc)

'Twas most distressing

yes lets have a cold and unfeeling selfish hug what a fab idea

Lequeen, well said, I too didn't have the instant love, it took months and getting over the worst depression of my life. does that make me a bad mother, to not actually have any instincts? To feel overwhelmed, like ny poor little newborn was a big mistake?

Thank God for the trainee midwife who.looked after DD for a few hours on day 2, who hugged me and told me it was the hardest job in the world and reassured me that it would get better.

It did, but I needed lots of support, my mum showing me how to actually love her properly, and helped me bond with her, despite being of the old school who let the nurses take her 4 children to a nursery, but managed to breastfeed us all til we were 1.

Shag I get what you're saying and I respect your passion for it, these things all sound so good on paper, and yes they are theoretically probably the best thing for a newborn human baby, but being humans we need more than just instinct to survive, I've yet to see a sheep who just gave birth having PND or feelings of overwhelming anxiety. And no amount of skin to skin and bfing helped cure me.

pffft

Ironically, I felt no such rush of love with DD. Even though I was with her constantly and discharged myself ASAP from hospital (to be home with DS) It took months, seriously, for me to feel the love I feel for her now.

And, the odd thing was.. i spent every second with DD.

I was the same worry she was permanently attached to my nipple.

that nose that extends far beyond your face... wind it in a bit.

you and i wouldn't want to do what she's doing. if you have small children you'll be feeling sad for the baby. but we can't change your friend so i think leaving her to do it her way and not worrying too much would be a good plan.

LeQueen - you write so eloquently. I don't think you should apologise for saddening anyone.
It's better to see posts like yours that show that good mums aren't about statistics or perfection or 'selfishness' or any label, but good mums stumble and fall sometimes and love and just sometimes need to be 'forgiven' for not being perfect.

Judging other mums on the minutiae of how they raise their DCs is so harsh. I think I used to have strong ideas about BF (either not or exended), birthing, weaning, sleeping etc. But having DCs has made me realise that it's possible to be smug with children, but that is when the giant 'smug-monster' bites you on the arse for being so judgy.

Lequeen dont apologise I think its good to talk about these things they are so taboo Imo amongst nobody talks about it ,

amongst mothers*

SADDENING!!??! Not on your life!!!

I will do exactly the same with my DD - tell her that whatever her expections are, what it is, is what it is. Love can be instant or it can take a little while.

The only way to deal with these issues is to challenge them and confront them. Women are not robots who all deal with childbirth in the same way. This does not mean than we love our children less, just that this is the right way for us.

I cannot say how much I admire your most Lequeen.

POST Not MOST

Lequeen, you haven't made anyone sad.
It's a pleasure to read your story, it just goes to show you can be a wonderful mother without following the latest study to the letter in case you are judged.

And I think we can agree that no amount of studies, facts, opinions, judginess can take away the fact we are good parents.
And more likely to prepare our DDs, and let them know it's ok the struggle, it's ok to ask for help, rather than suffer in silence as some would prefer.

I am so proud of my DCs my heart jumps every time I look at them, and it makes not one bit of difference that I had PND with dd and struggled to cope at first, that ds1 was in SCBU for a week and didn't sleep with me and I didn't bf ds2.

They are simply amazing anyway.

Lequeen the only thing that is saddening.is that more women don't share experiences like this. No one ever warned me, they all said having your first baby is wonderful, amazing etc etc.

It wasn't...at the start, but 9 months on I'm getting there.

I say bravo to all the women who admit they can't cope and ask for help and that includes OPs friend.

leQ yes good. to talk about pnd,it's a treatable mental illness that can have devastating impact, you post was v eloquent

If only someone had told me, that it can take time. And, that it can happen very slowly. And, that love can grow so quietly, that you barely notice.

I'm sitting here in tears because you've just hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I needed to hear, what I needed someone, anyone to notice. I knew from the off I'd do anything for DS1 but I didn't love him - just felt this huge sense of duty towards him. If someone had told me to strip him down and cuddle him to my naked breast I'd have done it. Not out of any 'natural' inclination or love for him, just because they told me I should.

I have four children. All came into this world in different ways, premature, home birth, birthing centre, and almost born in parking garage. One was bf until she was three, one for a month, two ff from the beginning. My oldest daughter is lying next to me whilst I write this. My fifteen year old son hugs me every day and tells me he loves me. My children did not become happy and well adjusted because I hugged them to my chest constantly from the first minute of birth. They are are loving children because they received love from mum, dad, family and friends consistently throughout their lives.
Perhaps because I have a very busy life, I am less inclined to get caught in the statistics game. My experience comes from real life. I think most mums try to do the best they can for their babies. I also believe a mother should and must care for herself also.

and to all mummies out there..mothering is already difficult, should we not be supporting each other and the choices we make?